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swedish · 05-09-2008, 07:50 AM

Up until last year, I was very naive about the whole issue of men and porn. I was one of those women who thought I was with the only man who didn't look at other women until I found a load of porn on my husband's laptop. I was disgusted, disturbed, hurt and shocked..had a full-blown panic attack. It took me several days to bring myself to even talk to him. He told me 'most men do it...you should learn more about men' ouch...that stung, but he was right so I did a lot of checking around and from what I found, he was right.

At that point, I had to sort out what I found into what I could deal with vs. what was totally unacceptable to me. I decided that since learning men are visual creatures and look at other women by nature, I was ok with him fulfilling this need by looking at images on a screen (one way interaction) as long as it didn't interfere with our time together or sex life and didn't become an addiction.

I also found he had created accounts on some dating websites. He did not message/email anyone that I could tell and insisted he was just looking, but I told him this crossed a major line with me. He understood and respected that.

We were having other major problems in our marriage at the time (he had an emotional affair with a woman at work) so all of this hit me at once and it took some time for me to process it all. He has been very open-book since then.

I know he feared my reaction had I found out and now that we've talked through things, he has been very open with me. He says he has looked at porn since, but very infrequently and I'm really ok with that. He is still in the process of rebuilding my trust and I am careful to encourage open dialog without being judgemental but at the same time making sure he understands my feelings.

Long story short, I wouldn't worry so much about what is normal or not, but what you can deal with within your relationship. If you have gone with him to strip clubs in the past, it sounds as though you are more accommodating than most women, so having a heart to heart with him and coming up with a compromise that you are both comfortable with may work well for you. It comes down to him respecting your feelings and being honest with you about what he's doing and you standing up for yourself if he crosses the line that you both agree to.

05-09-2008, 07:50 AM	#4 (permalink)
swedish Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Near Chicago Posts: 450	Re: Need opinions Up until last year, I was very naive about the whole issue of men and porn. I was one of those women who thought I was with the only man who didn't look at other women until I found a load of porn on my husband's laptop. I was disgusted, disturbed, hurt and shocked..had a full-blown panic attack. It took me several days to bring myself to even talk to him. He told me 'most men do it...you should learn more about men' ouch...that stung, but he was right so I did a lot of checking around and from what I found, he was right. At that point, I had to sort out what I found into what I could deal with vs. what was totally unacceptable to me. I decided that since learning men are visual creatures and look at other women by nature, I was ok with him fulfilling this need by looking at images on a screen (one way interaction) as long as it didn't interfere with our time together or sex life and didn't become an addiction. I also found he had created accounts on some dating websites. He did not message/email anyone that I could tell and insisted he was just looking, but I told him this crossed a major line with me. He understood and respected that. We were having other major problems in our marriage at the time (he had an emotional affair with a woman at work) so all of this hit me at once and it took some time for me to process it all. He has been very open-book since then. I know he feared my reaction had I found out and now that we've talked through things, he has been very open with me. He says he has looked at porn since, but very infrequently and I'm really ok with that. He is still in the process of rebuilding my trust and I am careful to encourage open dialog without being judgemental but at the same time making sure he understands my feelings. Long story short, I wouldn't worry so much about what is normal or not, but what you can deal with within your relationship. If you have gone with him to strip clubs in the past, it sounds as though you are more accommodating than most women, so having a heart to heart with him and coming up with a compromise that you are both comfortable with may work well for you. It comes down to him respecting your feelings and being honest with you about what he's doing and you standing up for yourself if he crosses the line that you both agree to.