Join Date: Jun 2012
| | Deconstruct on an internet 'hookup'
I've posted a story here as my introduction, having been married 10 years this July. Although my WH, 11 years my senior, has always seemed to crave attention, I thought that I gave him that. He's had bypass surgery, my teenage son arrested, and with an on-call job that routinely has him working nights that he hates, because he is an insomniac.
No, he doesn't get up with his insomnia, just tosses and turns in bed.
The following is what I have pieced together so far.
A little over two years ago, he posted a profile on an online married but dating site. In it, he mentioned his likes, dislikes, his hobby (magic), and in some of the later profiles, what he does for a living. As the BS, of course this looks like boasting...a hook...to catch a hookup.
Essentially, in the earliest profile, the one where he snared one, he listed in the profile, start with emails, then decide, and go from there.
Which, is exactly what he did. After a few weeks of emails (that he says the didn't really talk sexy, just everyday stuff), then he called her from his job phone, never his cell -
I need to stop here and recall the former AP from a previous marriage - the calls I found that in reality happened after this hookup (he did that months after the hookup with a former AP from his previous marriage when her husband, their mutual friend, died suddenly and unexpectedly in a job accident - he called her 55 times with only 36 or so calls longer than 2 min). A little more info on the former AP is that early in our marriage, while still married, she sent him cookies with a Valentine card that said, 'I will always love you,' then 2 years later a thick envelope that contained a handwritten letter on legal yellow paper that we burned and he never opened - I got it at the post office. Neither time did he seek to issue NC with her as I asked, although back then I didn't know it had a name. She lives 150 miles away and I really don't have any indication that she would come here to see him, not when I have his job emulation board online and can see when he's on the job, and I take his computer generated job calls to come in to work. They have a 2 hour window, and he doesn't leave until it's almost time to be there.
Anyway, I have since made him take me to the place they met to talk (30-40 minutes or so) which he says he did on the way to a work call one day. I may or may not have been home that day when he left.
He says they met, talked, just regular stuff, get to know you, and maybe it was in an email and not at that meeting, that he asked her if she was clean.
At some point she sent him a pic of her tit with the subject line of "are you ready for this?" Jaysus the woman isn't attractive and her tit has scars from reduction surgery. WHY????? did he want this??? JUST because she was EASY??? WTF?
Then around a week later while I was gone (probably a WW meeting as I was not working) he drove to meet her, follow her to her house, and did the deed bareback.
He has so thoroughly blocked it from his mind that pieces of it only come a little at a time. No more kissing or hugging than necessary to do the deed, no changing positions, no "I Love Yous" from either side. She never offered him food or drink, he didn't pay her or give her any gifts or bring any food or take her to dinner.
He said it wasn't even that good, and that he had an overwhelming sense of 'clean up and get the hell out of here.'
He says that she did ask him to come back, and he said no. At some point in a message she got cranky when he through her some bunch of garbled mess, and she said, "You're drunk," to which he said, "No more than you are." shut down and never looked back.
He acts confused that he did this, looking back. He is very remorseful, not full of himself at all, and has lost weight (as have I), and had loose bowels, headaches, insomnia and confusion the past week since I found this message, asked him, and he did confirm meeting and screwing her 2 years ago, before the calls to this former AP.
Really...he says he knows he made the choices, and his reading with me on another infidelity forum has put conviction in his heart and he wants to find out what this is, and have the tools to stop it next time.
Can anyone here share something similar? Sometimes I just feel so hopeless.. like, he's 65. If he didn't get it by now, well, I still have a good bit of life left to find someone else or be alone.
Last edited by notyouraverage; 06-08-2012 at 06:46 PM.