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Originally Posted by iheartlife  To put this into the context of the excellent book His Needs / Her Needs. Dating meets (at least at the beginning) two important needs: the need for intimate conversation, and the need for recreational companionship. Obviously friends can also fulfill these two needs, but a friend isn't going to demonstrate the additional ingredient that leads this relationship into an affair--that is, intimate affection. It is the mere possibility that this may arise in a friendship between sexually attracted people that makes spending time alone a risky choice.
I make choices that will prevent me from getting into situations that may cause me to fall into infatuation with someone. I limit my conversations with these people (I can think of a couple--I'm human!!) to public interactions. But there are probably other men I know who I'm not attracted to--but given the right mix of being alone / intimate conversation / recreation, I could still become infatuated with them. The point is you don't see the danger coming--I'm not different than anyone else--this is the core idea that you either believe, or you don't.
This is how I see it--I am the first guardian of MY OWN HEART, not my husband. I choose to be faithful to him by preventing affairs far ahead of the curve, particularly now that I fully understand how they occur. |
And this IS the takeaway for folks that it is first on them to protect their relationship by understanding the risks. Since this stuff can be very gray and emotions can drive us, we all need appropriate boundaries.
So when someone says it is about trust, for me then I trust my wife and she trusts me to not put ourselves in harms way at all. To be savvy enough to avoid these situations. Trust is not about putting oneself at risk and saying trust me to play this dangerous game.
A further safety net is their partner who can sometimes see things from a different point of view. It is not on the partner to be the first line of defense. It is just that we all have our blindspots to certain people and certain situations. We all have our more vulnerable times. Understanding this is key.
So while there may indeed be spouses who are over zealous, the kneejerk of calling a spouse jealous, insecure and controlling seems to me a red flag about the person using those terms. It just may be that the spouse is observing some risky behavior. A big way to deal with this is to discuss, agree on and implement some fundamental boundaries. Implementing such boundaries and not breaking them is a way to ease such tensions and validate trust. So if you are well within the agreed upon boundaries then you need to find out why your spouse is feeling jealous. If you are pushing your boundaries you have your answer. Stop that.
