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KathyBatesel · 06-09-2012, 01:27 PM

You have a couple things going on here.

I'm thinking that you're far more controlling than you realize. That's great when you're on a mission, but it's not so great when you're treating your life as if you're her CO. You say you've changed back, but the truth is that you are who you are, and she's learned that you're the type of person who jumps in with both feet and takes charge of anything that might get in the way of your mission - which in this case happens to be your marriage - but that you will otherwise let things slide.

I think you're minimizing whatever happened physically. You hurt her more than you've said here, and when you didn't get your way you manipulated and controlled her by abandoning her. Instinctively, we all know that people might say they've changed and believe it, but when they're talking about deep-rooted personality traits those promises are most often just wishful thinking. When you add that she takes a huge risk if she believes you (because it takes her so far from her family and friends), I can understand why she's reluctant to believe.

Then the matter becomes even more complicated because she's having an emotional (and/or physical) affair with her ex. While that's going on, she isn't going to come around to be the devoted, compliant wife you're looking for. In fact, she's already decided she doesn't want to be compliant anymore. Whatever changes you've made might be irrelevant to her because she has made some changes, too.

If you want her back, I'd recommend getting into counseling immediately, for yourself, with a therapist who is very familiar with anger management AND alcohol issues. (I know you didn't mention alcohol, but I'd bet that it's playing a major role here.)

You could also ask her if she'd be willing to try again if you'll set up a bank account with only her name on it, and fund it with enough money that if she discovered that you hadn't changed, she could fly back home on a moment's notice. This would give her a measure of safety.

06-09-2012, 01:27 PM	#3 (permalink)
KathyBatesel Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Kansas City Metro area Posts: 2,616	Re: Married for 2 years, Need advice. You have a couple things going on here. I'm thinking that you're far more controlling than you realize. That's great when you're on a mission, but it's not so great when you're treating your life as if you're her CO. You say you've changed back, but the truth is that you are who you are, and she's learned that you're the type of person who jumps in with both feet and takes charge of anything that might get in the way of your mission - which in this case happens to be your marriage - but that you will otherwise let things slide. I think you're minimizing whatever happened physically. You hurt her more than you've said here, and when you didn't get your way you manipulated and controlled her by abandoning her. Instinctively, we all know that people might say they've changed and believe it, but when they're talking about deep-rooted personality traits those promises are most often just wishful thinking. When you add that she takes a huge risk if she believes you (because it takes her so far from her family and friends), I can understand why she's reluctant to believe. Then the matter becomes even more complicated because she's having an emotional (and/or physical) affair with her ex. While that's going on, she isn't going to come around to be the devoted, compliant wife you're looking for. In fact, she's already decided she doesn't want to be compliant anymore. Whatever changes you've made might be irrelevant to her because she has made some changes, too. If you want her back, I'd recommend getting into counseling immediately, for yourself, with a therapist who is very familiar with anger management AND alcohol issues. (I know you didn't mention alcohol, but I'd bet that it's playing a major role here.) You could also ask her if she'd be willing to try again if you'll set up a bank account with only her name on it, and fund it with enough money that if she discovered that you hadn't changed, she could fly back home on a moment's notice. This would give her a measure of safety. __________________ Please visit my blog for more relationship articles and advice, or check out my latest gift and greeting card designs.