| | My gut is at it again...2yrs later
Just over 2 years ago I posted here asking for help. If you go back, you can look at what I've gone through.
Now, I probably haven't done things the way people would say is the best, or nearly best way of handling things. However, there was a point where I though we were on the right track, she was happy, I was happy, we were looking forward to being parents (She got pregnant) but then she miscarried.
The following couple of months were hard for both of us. I can't imagine her pain, but there was a lot of pain there for me as well. The fact that I would have to continue doing my job, around little kids all day, made it worse.
A year later, she's showing signs of having an affair. This time I'm either more observant or I'm being overly so.
She's at work way past when 'over-time' hours. I can attribute this to her not wanting to come home and deal with her mother, but that's just putting it all on me. Besides, we don't need the extra money.
When it's not over-time then it's drinks with co-workers. If that's what she says, that's what it is. I'm not going to, at this point, tell her to 'prove it'...although only 2yrs out, I kind of wish she would offer it up. She had before, but it's so easy to get a friend or co-worker to cover for you.
I did laundry and found some sex panties...not lingerie...crotchless panties with white pearls down the middle. I don't think she was expecting me to finish the laundry. I put the panties on her desk and let her find it on her own...I wanted her to know that I knew about her 'special underwear' without actually saying anything. I wanted to see what she would say. Her reaction "Oh, these were panties my co-worker bought for her boyfriend and she didn't like them so she gave them to me." My first thought was 'Really...you plan on wearing those when someone else beat you to it...and since when have you worn ANYTHING sex related to bed in an attempt to get me in the mood?'
AND...since finding those panties, I wondered if she was hiding anything else so I jumped onto her computer. Her facebook was not accessible (Password not saved) but her iPad was a different story...password saved. I went through some of her messages. Mostly nothing related to me with the exception of one. The message, which was not in English (So I took a picture of and sent it to my friend) basically said "I can count on (Me) my husband for this and that, but I'd rather count on you for other stuff." And to the same person "It's his birthday (Me) and we would really like YOU to come." When he said he couldn't because he didn't drink or have the money to go out she actually changed the birthday plans around (Which at the time seem odd to me). She wanted him there...problem for her is (If she was interested) he is such a good Christian boy that he would never do anything like this. He's got a girlfriend now. Just talking with him you would know that he's not gonna mess around in a relationship with a married woman. Never say never, but I'm a betting man...I'd say never with him...other people though...who knows...and it sucks to feel that way about your wife....
Sex is still hit and miss. I have to initiate. When I do, she's a go and has her fun. But if I don't, I don't think it would happen. A couple months back I asked her since her mother was out for a couple of weeks if we could take advantage of the time...at first she said 'OK' and then it was 'How about tomorrow?'...and then the following day would come around and she'd have 1 too many glasses of wine and be 'OK...we can have sex if you want.' And I just let her pass out. Not exactly what I want. The next day 'Oh I feel bad (Without the actual sympathy in her voice' and I would respond calmly 'When you are in the mood, let me know. Until then, do what you want.'
My friend says "Get divorced." He thinks that she'll only get the point when she realizes I don't 'need her'. But I don't want her to be all over me because she's 'scared' to be on her own or because she won't have my pay to rely on or my time to rely on (In taking care of her mother). I want her to be with me because that's what she really wants.
Right now, I'm all about taking care of myself. I'm healthier, stronger, making sure all my priorities are in order. The only thing I can't really wrap my head around is how to handle this. If I bring up affairs, the possibilities, the signs, it just turns into an argument. I feel a bit like I'm waiting for her to mess up so I can say "Thank you, and **** you very much...goodbye." It sounds like I don't love her...10 yrs together, I do...but I'm starting to hate both her and myself in many ways. For all that I've gained, I still feel like I'm losing....
So...I post this in hope for some replies.
Just an FYI...she's not OK with counseling, books, or programs. She thinks this is all stuff that needs to be solved 'in house'. It may be a cultural thing...