missmissy

Hello,
I am new here and hoping to get the support I need. I will apologize now for the length of this post but I feel I need to get my story out to get advice.

Ok, here goes... My husband and I have been married for 7 years this month. I have 3 children from a previous marrage and he has 2 children from a previous relationship. We also have 2 children together to make 7 children. We have full custody of all 7 children.

My husband is an alcoholic, admitted. I struggle with the issues that come along with having a husband that is an alcoholic. While he admits he is, and promises to try to stop drinking he just has never been able to follow through with those promises. He has been to AA but it was short lived.

The first 2 years of our marrage was a nightmare most of the time. He would spend most every night after work in a bar getting drunk with friends. If he was not at a bar he would be in places with friends drinking and doing drugs. He would come home in the early hours of the morning if he came home at all. His wedding ring would be either in his pocket or in his truck he left parked where ever the party happened to be. I lost alot of trust and respect for him every time this happened.(often) I would cry to him almost every day pleeding for him to stop doing this and get help so that we could save our marrage. While he sat with me and agreed every time that it was wrong of him and he wanted to quit, he never did. He lied to me all the time about where he was and what he was doing. Lies, Lies, Lies about drugs and drinking. I was killing me.

To shorten the story I ended up having an affair. I felt so alone and unloved. I looked for anyone who could fill the void that was my life for soooo long. I needed to feel like I was worth someone's time. I admit it was wrong and it kills me to think that I hurt my husband. I live with my own guilt everyday. I just had been so hurt for so long by my husband that I lost myself. I told my husband about the affair and I also ended the affair right away, not for my husband but for myself. Having the affair was not what I wanted, it was what I thought I needed.
I thought that if I had an affair I could get over my husband and be able to leave him. I was wrong. I loved him way more then I thought I did. We did decide to stay together and work on our marrage. That was when he joined AA and it was going well until we moved back in together. Then he quit AA, I was worried that he would go right back to his old ways without it and he did.

So for 5 years since the affair I have been dealing with all drinking, thinking I deserve it after what I had done to him. Granted he is not as bad as he once was. Now he works out of town 5 to 6 days of the week and comes home during weekends. While he is gone he is drinking every night. He has lied to me about the drinking becasue he knows I will be upset but my cousin works with him and tells me everything. I confronted him about all the lies and drinking and sitting in the bars all night getting trashed only to hear him say he was sorry again and wont do it again blah blah blah, and of course it keeps happening. Meanwhile I sit at home with 7 children and all the bills and problems ect ect... when I say anything to him he gets defensive and tells me I am always yelling at him about something. It is so hard to trust him when he has lied to me for so many years. He does swear up and down that he has not ever cheated on me. I want so badly to believe him but it is just so hard to. I do not treat him like he has cheated on me. It is just something I think about.

I will say he works very hard and alot of hours to support his family. I have alot of respect for him when it comes to that and I tell him all the time. I try so hard to be a supporting loving wife to him. I do everything I can to make him feel loved and appreciated. I just wish I could get a little back from him. I feel very unloved. I feel like I am not worth loving because when I have a problem with him and his drinking and lies he just throws in my face that I am the one who cheated on him as to say I do not have a right to be mad about anything he does. There is so much I need from him and I fell I deserve. I dont get much at all. I am trying to deal with it and be thankful for my children. I just wish that I could get my husband to understand that I need his love to. I know he loves me he tells me all the time but it is not his words that I need, I need to see it and feel it. I guess he is just not that kind of guy. I am hurt beyond repair I think. I want to file for divorce, and I told him. Of course he does not want a divorce he thinks I am over reacting. I have no idea what to do, he will not go to AA or counselling. What do I do? I need help!!

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Missmissy