| | Re: Depressed and it hurts my marriage
I just love this quote that was in Bianca’s post. It fits so well with what I often use as a starting point for problem solving.
"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
Accept what is. Accept exactly where you are in your life at this moment. Yes I know that where you are is not a good place to be. But to do battle with yourself and the world around you will create more pain.
Accepting the way things are has at its core a real contradiction.
1. We are all very ordinary people living an ordinary life.
2. You are an amazing human being living in an extraordinary world.
3. You just take a mental step back to recognise it and accept the fact.
That is the place to start from. If you find accepting difficult then just allow yourself to be aware of the reality and later to acknowledge it and the true acceptance will come in time.
The other problem with most relationships is that we all bring our own baggage into them. Added to this is our learned way of thinking. We tend to expect our partner to think and operate just like we do and then find it hard to come to terms with the fact that they do not.
This takes us to another acceptance. Simply accept that the other person runs their mind in a different way to your self. Partners do not think like us and probably never will.
Take a mental step back from your partner and see him for the person he is. Accepting his true nature and his wonderfulness.
I have also found that it is difficult to love other people fully until we truly accept and then fully appreciate the person we are. What I have seen happening is that we tend to look for reflections of our self in partners. We never find a full reflection only a similar humanity. We try to find a similar being to our self in partners but of course they are unique. Then we want to change them to fit us better. It may work over time as relationships develop but not in the short term and not in painful pressured situations.
The final acceptance is accepting that courtship is different to a full partnership / marriage. I know of some situations where individuals seem to change once this courtship period is over and the partnership is made official.
Remember in each relationship we bring all our Values and Beliefs and these are very deep seated. They can shift but fundamentally stay with us for life. The closer we become to another person the more we see and experience their true nature.
To your depression. I personally work with NLP Neuro Linguistic Programming and can recommend that as an approach. CBT or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy also has a good record. The key here is looking around to find someone who you know by reputation or by talking to the coach or therapist.
I am sure that there are people in your area who will be able to help you. Look around carefully and ask questions. Then expect to work hard there are few easy rides but changes can be made.
all the best