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What to do? Emotional Affair?

9K views 42 replies 19 participants last post by  LastUnicorn 
#1 ·
I've only been married since May this year and my husband and I have been together about 3 years before our special day. My husband was unemployed for about 4 months after finishing school (Jan. to April), I however, was working full time and he would just hangout at my place all day and look for jobs. I didn't mind.

We use facebook and play games on it etc., but he started playing poker and talking with a girl that lives near our city. I didn't mind, until I found out that he had called her almost daily while he was working out of the city (not where she lives) and racked up a huge bill with long distance minutes (we had a long distance relationship for about 9 months and he would hate when I called him because he didn't like talking on the phone). Needless to say, I was really upset and told him how much it hurt that he would call and talk to her and not to me...his wife.

I told him that I would really appreciate it if he would stop calling her and he never said yes...or no. So I've been checking in on his cell usage and have told him how much it hurts that he spends sooo much time talking to her on msn after he gets home from work (he also sometimes calls her while he's at work). He said he understands how much it hurts, but he's still doing it..WHY?! Last night I caught him on webcam with her while he was sitting across from me. I asked him "who're you camming with" and he said "I'm not?" and I said "then why is your cam light on?" (I also saw in the reflection that he was on cam with someone) and he said "oh, does it stay on when you take pictures?" and I said "I'm not $%&*ing stupid, you're on cam for her right?" and he went silent.

I don't think I've ever been so hurt before in my life. I've asked him to stop calling her, I wasn't really minding msn talking, but after last night I want him to never call her, delete/block her from msn and facebook. Am I wrong to want this? He says they're just friends (she's married and has 3 kids, but I guess her husband drinks a lot). I would also like to ask her to stop seeking emotional support from my husband to replace what she's not getting from hers....but I don't think that confronting her will help any...

It just seems like he's drawing away from me and going to her instead of him and I think that's what hurts the most. I feel like ever since he started talking to her, he has changed....I miss the guy I wanted to marry.
 
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#32 ·
Thanks Swedish, I love your ideas. It's just hard to meet another couple we can do things with....there should be a website where couples can meet other local couples to hang out! Like a dating service....but only for people looking for friends!

Maybe I'll go see if I can find something like that now...
 
#34 ·
I wish I could outinthecold. I did however write a letter to my husband this morning telling him how I feel and gave him 2 options.

#1 Remove her from your life and work on us.

Stop the contact with her, call her tonight on speaker phone with me there to tell her they will no longer be talking. To help each other work on ourselves and with the help of a counselor if need be.

#2 Continue contacting her

I'm out tomorrow night (his parents are in town this weekend) and HE tell his parents why I'm leaving (due to his not ending the emotional affair).

I left the note in his closed lap top. I told him to really think about which decision he makes and how that decision will affect his future. I'm tired of being disrespected.
 
#35 ·
Lola, Simple, sad, tough, but right on the money. You gave him a black and white option with regards to the affair, and IMHO, that's exactly how it needs to be. I hope and pray that he choses wisely.
 
#39 ·
I actually never gave him the note, his parents were in town and I didn't feel it was right to give it to him the day they got here...so I have it hidden for now.

I basically broke down the night I was going to give him the note and I think it finally hit him that what he is doing is wrong, I haven't seen any calls to her on his cell phone usage...but I know she's still on his facebook and most likely his cell.

I think something clicked for him Monday night, he said that he thought he could be depressed because he didn't think he felt the same about me as he did prior to getting married. I told him to tell me that he doesn't want to be married to me any more if he didn't want to be with me, but he couldn't say it for himself. Finally we went to bed and he broke down and asked me what's wrong with him. I told him nothing...everyone has second thoughts either before and/or after they get married...that's NORMAL and he basically hugged me harder than he ever had before and we both fell asleep like that.

He quit his job on Tuesday and he's been doing pretty well, I think that has relieved a lot of unneeded stress/depression and has been treating me A LOT better. So we shall see how things keep going!
 
#40 ·
Thought I'd give a quick update.

I found out he had been spending time with this OW in person since the end of July, while I'd be at work. He took them to the park, to restaurants, he babysits her youngest sometimes and all the while he lied to my face about never having met her (but I had a gut feeling that they had met before) etc. I feel so betrayed. I gave him until tonight to cut off all communication with her.

You can check out my thread in the General Forum for more info.
 
#43 ·
You'll get more specific answers to your questions if you start your own thread, Lostinthedesert. :)

But to answer your question, if you are just paying poker and not actively chasing or deepening the relationship with anyone online then no IMHO you are not having an EA.

It is interesting though, that your wife seems to be spending all of her free time chasing other activities online. She may or may not be having her own EA & is projecting on you.

Why not sit her down & the two of you discuss honestly the time you are together, yet choose to spend that time chasing other means of entertainment rather than taking this opportunity to reconnect & strengthen your relationship?
 
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