Originally Posted by lamaga
Talk to your MC. Tell him/her that you don't feel your husband knows how to listen, and ask for help.
Honestly, if you are known for talking too much, it may not be clear that this is a problem. Bring it into the open.
I do not talk a lot. I am a quiet, reserved person. I love my H and simply want to have a conversation in which we offer each other kind attention and support. As a woman, maybe I do depend more than he does on using conversation as a way to "talk through" things that I am working on. I have great relationships with a few good (female) friends, on the phone and online and occasionally over coffee, so that I don't "dump" on the H.
All I am asking for is that when I do turn my conversational attentions to the H, that he offer me the grace and kindness of giving a damn to listen to me attentively.
I have been repeating for almost ten months in MC that I believe my H lacks specific behavioral skills for listening. The hunger in me to be fully "listened to" by him has grown enormous to the point of physical pain and weeping, sometimes during our MC sessions. Sometimes at night--I feel so alone. Often during car rides when I get the "wall of silence." I read somewhere how another woman compared this painful situation to playing a tennis game in which the ball never gets returned to you.
Finally, a few days ago, I got the book "His Needs, Her Needs" out of the library. To my total amazement, there it is: Her need for .... CONVERSATION!! And when our needs in marriage are not filled, I learned, the need doesn't go away, rather you run a very high risk of "accidentally" getting it filled OUTSIDE THE MARRIAGE. I am at a very high risk of stumbling into an emotional affair. Heck, while at the library, I got hit on by 2 very nice, intellectual, bookloving guys.. . I felt that well of need rise up in me.... whoa....
So. I have decided our counselor is a dope. I think he's missing the boat. I have been weeping during our sessions, saying, "Please help us find a way for me to know he is hearing me and paying attention, I beg you please. Help us have rewarding conversations in which I am not overwhelmed by loneliness because he appears to be ignoring me." And the MC says, "The reason you feel this way is because of your old family wound. You felt your own family did not pay attention to you. You grew up feeling disconnected, and now you are projecting this onto your H. You need to deal with this within yourself."
To which i now say, What a crock!!!
There I was, and there it was, word for word, in Dr Harley's book. I AM NOT CRAZY!!!
So, what I did was, I handed the book to my H and god bless that sweet man he read it. He read parts of it out loud to me. And he said, "Will you please teach me how to listen to you? Now I see how important this is!"
We could have saved so much money.