| | Re: I don't know what to believe. Another emotional affair case:
Just reposting my previous answer.
To answer your question more directly, get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It's an excellent, excellent book that explains emotional affairs like no other because Glass was a nationally recognized researcher in infidelity and her book summarized her knowledge and learning.
What you are seeing is that your wife has become infatuated with her ex. She is experiencing it as "love" because the emotion is that sensation of falling in love. It is very powerful and she will continue to contact him unless you draw a line in the sand.
You are saying you did not listen to her when she was expressing a deeply felt wish. That obviously is a tough thing and now she's gone (very inappropriately, in a very selfish way) to get that need fulfilled outside of marriage. There are likely things that you will need to do to improve the communications between you, and that will almost surely require good-quality pro-marriage counseling.
However, that cannot happen before she fully ends contact with this man. That would involve her writing a No Contact message that you supervise and oversee the sending (there are formats on the forum). That is creating a definitive break and ending ritual of their contact, an acknowledgment that it's inappropriate and it has to end FOREVER with no "but you'll always be in my heart"s or "I'm still thinking of you no matter what happens" etc. That just keeps the door open to contact him again and again.
Until she ends it with him (and you will need to continue to verify it for a bit, because infatuation is so strong), you have 3 people in the marriage and counseling and changing won't work.