Originally Posted by Uptown
No, you are not verbally abusing her "so she can be better off." Rather, you are doing so in an attempt to push her away -- i.e., to abandon her -- before she has a chance to abandon and reject you. This is what men do when they have a strong fear of abandonment and rejection.
The irony is that, the better she treats you and the more loving she becomes, the greater your fear becomes that you will lose her. Indeed, that fear can become so great that, to get relief from the constant gnawing pain and fear, your subconscious mind will "protect" you by sabotaging your marriage. That is, you will preemptively abandon her before she has a chance to do it to you.
Because that all happens at the subconscious level, the logical adult part of your mind is tricked into thinking she did some terrible thing that warrants your walking away from her. Believe me, JD, you are doing HER no favor by pushing her away. You are only trying to reduce your fear and pain -- and, as your psychologist must be telling you, there are better ways of reducing your fear.No doubt, you are correct about her doing those neglectful things. All spouses do so occasionally. Yet, given your fear of rejection and low self esteem, the pain of being ignored and forgotten will be magnified ten-fold. The result is that your perception of her is so BLACK that you say you are "close to walking away" -- and claim that your marriage "is imploding."
Thanks for the post uptown It is very accurate about me. I have said that before to Jill, that on a level I am trying to protect myself. And I know pushing her away is not the answer I just can't seem to stop myself. I will look into this Avoidant Personality Disorder.
We both have this week of work and were taking the kids to her parents house. Things are so bad I decided to stay home and try and do some self healing, ( First day was to put a post on TAM) Last night we spoke on the phone a little. Jill had mentioned our troubles to her mother and was told that she needs to start talking to me. After a few minutes of silence ( I was giving her time to think and process which she says she needs) she said I am going to go now, I said that I want to talk more. She responded with "about what".
Sigh I want to talk about us, our troubles, how we can fix it, I just want her to communicate. I said that to her in an attacking manner followed by don't bother about it and I hung up. I then spent 5 hours trying to get to sleep cause I was so angry.