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Separation is Approaching A Year Now/Feels Like Abandonment

169K views 715 replies 67 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 · (Edited)
(A Somewhat Lengthy Read)


This is my second marriage. I(currently)(59) married a woman(55) who had represented herself to be somewhat financially well-off, as I had left my job with the Fed in order to marry and move away with her. Her mantra was that she was so well-off financially(est. @low to mid seven figures) that it would not really require me to work full-time, although I do have a flourishing avocational occupation. We had dated about a year before deciding to tie the knot, and have subsequently been married for some 7+ years. A pre-nuptial agreement had been drawn up and signed prior to the wedding.

She had kids from her previous marriage as did I. Mine, I am proud to say, are very studious, ambitious, and educationally inclined, as they both are honor students; one at a major university and the other at a private school. Her's have always been lazy, being nothing more than problem students and dropouts, choosing to leave school in favor of embracing the drug culture, tattoo emporiums, law enforcement, and ultimately the judicial system. All have records for drug possession with one having actually done time in county incarceration.

She had never given me any notable information or explanation about her finances, nor did I ever make that request as I came to trust her implicitly. I felt that it was not really any of my business. Without hesitation she was always gracious enough upon insisting that she pay for my kids educational expenses to keep them from incurring any student loans.

In December of 2010, a local girl who was in her early 20's, who my STBXW knew as a contractor that she had employed from time to time, moved into our house at her insistence and my relationship with my STBXW was headed South ever since. My STBXW said that she had invited this girl to move in because she really had nowhere else to live. And from that point in time, my STBXW had little to no time for me, staying on the road.


So in early March, 2011, my STBXW came into my study to annonce to me that she wanted a "trial separation" coinciding with my kids getting out of school for the Spring semester. She intoned that she was now greatly concerned about her finances and could no longer afford to pay the tuition of my secondary school child. However, she said that she would steadfastly continue to financially support my college child with tuition, since she was an alumnus of the college that he attends as a student. She said that this "trial separation" in effect, would allow us to communicate from afar and that we could get together occasionally for a family meal at a local restaurant allowing us to try to work things out between us. She thought that it would be best that I move to a locale about a half-hour away, to the city where my sons college and high school are located, supposedly to cut down on drive time and gasoline expenses.

Now I really do not know if this separation actually stemmed from the stock market heading South, in essence taking a lot of her wealth from her, but she made it abundantly clear that my spending habits, which were primarily for joint household living expenses, and mostly for food, gasoline, liquor for her, bills, pets, and livestock, were not what she wanted. By the same token, it was not uncommon for her to continue to lavish money on her own kids for cars, a separate residence of their own, insurance, tattoos, and to just be there for them whenever they needed to be bailed out of jail or needed money for any legal representation. She highly resented my informing her of whenever I happened to run across overt evidence of drugs, residue, or alcohol in the house that these minors of hers were bringing in both with and without her knowledge. I haven't even mentioned the shady druggies that frequently came by to keep her kids company and to obviously ply their wares.

She wanted my college-aged child to be told of the impending separation almost straight away, but absolutely did not want my secondary school child to have any knowledge of it until such time that he returned from his out-of-state class trip. This was done under the guise that she did not want to jeopardize his good grades, final exams, and class trip to cause him any worry and anxiety. She then physically helped to move the vast majority of our belongings out of the main house into our rent home some 30 miles away in another county where the kids and I now reside. The youngest child actually returned from his class trip and was taken to our "new residence" with little more than an awkward explanation from me.

My STBXW initially did not want any of her family members to have any knowledge of the separation. I honored that, but later discovered that her family had ultimately learned about the separation from her. Since then, I have had virtually no contact with them as well. To date, there has not been as much as a telephone call from my STBXW in these nearly 9 months of separation, much less any of her extended family members. My kids both still think the world of her and have driven over to see her and her extended family members on several occasions and she and my kids stay in touch via telephone and Facebook. But since she had us moved out, she will rarely send a text message or an email to me and then it will only be geared toward business matters, i. e. a bill or some pressing business matter. She randomly shows up at our residence without the slightest notice whenever she is in town, usually with boxes of our clothing or other belongings in tow. She is ultra-cordial and talkative to my sons, but verbally will not give me the time of day. She is truly a physically beautiful woman, and when I see her, it can occasionally make me begin to long for her. But in my heart I know all too well that there is absolutely nothing there but coldness anymore.

Whenever I go back over to our old home to try to retrieve personal items, she gets quite defensive about my presence there without providing her with prior knowledge of my coming. My entire rationale is that if I did inform her of such, she would simply find a reason to either not be there or to answer the door. I still have a lot of my own family's furniture and antiques all acquired through inheritance still there, along with stored clothing and personal effects in the house and also in her warehouse. All too often, when I do show up, there is no one home, newspapers collecting on the front lawn, and the house is securely locked up. Upon my leaving, she took the liberty of removing the house key off of my key ring, but strangely enough, she let my sons retain theirs. I absolutely refuse to even try to enter the house when she is not there for fear of any possible legal ramifications.

She travels both internationally and domestically rather frequently on trips designed to help her monitor her investments in the cities that she has them in. Trips to Asia, Europe, the Carribean and Hawaii are not uncommon. In my marriage years, I never once was asked to accompany her on any of them as she usually went with other friends and business associates of hers. I got to stay home and take care of things while she travelled. And since moving out, I am never informed of any of these trips by her, usually finding out about them from one of my kids.

In early November, she came by late one night shortly after I had gone to bed. She brought over some boxes that the boys helped her bring into our house. Sometime the next afternoon, I also discovered a typed sheet of paper that she had discretely placed listing some minor inventory items with attached monetary values of the goods that she had brought over that evening. Inside that folded paper was a sealed envelope with my name written in her handwriting on the front. After opening it up, I saw that it was a copy of a filed petition for divorce from our original home county where she resides. Although she left the copy of the petition for divorce, according to my attorney, that is still not deemed to be legal service in my state. So until I legally receive proper service, my attorney advises doing nothing for the time being. My STBXW sent out an email in January asking if I had seen the "legal letter" that she left here. Upon advice of counsel, I was told to tell her that I had indeed seen it and was contemplating what steps that I might possibly take. But according to my attorney, that in no way implies legal service in Texas.

It was not uncommon for her to call and invite the boys to her family gatherings such as Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. The boys asked me if they could go, and I agreed that they might enrage her if they didn't since she still throws money their way if they need it. My eldest is still having his college tuition and expenses largely subsidized by her, as well as supplying him with one of her vehicles to drive. He's fearful that if he doesn't stay in lockstep with her requests, that she could ultimately cut them both off. That hurts me nearly as much as my separation and impending divorce from her.

On a very recent trip over to see her, she told the boys that she was leaving to take a Mardi Gras vacation in NO, from Feb. 11 through the 22nd. She told them that a friend was picking her up and driving them to NO. I'm thinking that she is on a cruise out of NO up until the final days of Mardi Gras. I can't help but believe that during this entire episode since my moving out, that she has been busy seeing someone. She has changed her name on FB back to her name when I first met her. I've often thought that she might leak certain details on FB about her lifestyle that I could possibly put in my lawyers hands, but since I do not do FB, that's really not an option. And even if I did, I think she'd restrict me in some way.

The pain from all of this has caused me to greatly lose sleep as I have only managed to average some 4 to 5 hours a night at best while trying to manage the living activities for my sons and me.

I am primarily living off of my Fed retirement as it most difficult these days for a man in his late 50's to get the opportunity to reenter the work force, more especially in this downturned economy of ours. She has even intoned that I could live off of federal assistance. But I was quick to assert that that since I was not yet even eligible for Social Security benefits, that that wasn't even a remote possibilty since we are still deemed to be married in a community property state. Given all of this, I really can see no discernible hope for this marriage. My eldest child feels like he and his brother have been squarely placed between a rock and a hard place, in that if they truly vent their frustrations about the current state of affairs, that the proverbial money and tuition card would be pulled from them. So they both try to empathize with me, but must remain quiet in the whole process of things. I still am having to foot the bill for my youngest son's private school tuition which I don't mind doing at all.

I have tried to immerse myself by becoming busy in joining a local church, but at times, the lonliness seems to get the better part of me. I'm also in the process of selecting a family counselor to have to bounce things off of, as I already have done with my pastor. I just wanted to share my rather lengthy story with you, and see if any of you had any similar circumstances or ideas. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart if you've taken your time to read this far. Best of luck to you all and may our Lord and Saviour richly bless all of you!
 
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#131 ·
October-November, 2011

Arbitrator 7 Calls/ 20 Minutes = 2.8 minutes per call. 5 calls placed as incoming by Arbitrator; 2 calls placed by STBXW. (Longest Call: 7 Minutes)

Austin 20 Calls/ 426 Minutes = 21.3 minutes per call. 5 calls placed as incoming by Austin; 15 calls placed by STBXW. (Longest Call: 145 Minutes)

Victor 0 Calls/ 0 Minutes = 0.0 minutes per call.

Now being a non-entity in the STBXW Derby, Victor does not call anymore. Nor does she call him! Austin has now taken over as the sole "beau" in her life, as richly evidenced by STBXW now chasing and calling him. She's calling him now late at night and having rather long conversations.

Now this particular timeframe shows a trip to New Orleans from 11/4 until 11/7. Given the newest evidence of the longer conversations carried on with Austin, during the NOLA trip, there are only two entries of calls to him, each lasting only 1 minute in length each and placed by STBXW; which greatly suggests that he is with her there in the Crescent City, because one doesn't exactly need a cell phone to communicate with and talk for hours on end, more especially when they're physically there with you in the same bed.

For this billing cycle, STBXW amassed 367 sent/received test messages, with 21 picture/video messages.
 
#133 ·
November 8-27, Close of STBXW's Presence on Cell-Phone Account prior to her moving her lines to another carrier.

Arbitrator 0 Calls/ 0 Minutes = 0.0 minutes per call.

Austin 4 Calls/ 83 Minutes = 20.8 minutes per call. 3 calls placed as incoming by Austin; 1 call placed by STBXW. (Longest Call: 46 Minutes)

Victor 0 Calls/ 0 Minutes = 0.0 minutes per call.

STBXW closed cell phone account effective 11/27. Victor remains a non-entity in her life, and it's rather strange that Austin's cell time is now showing signs of diminishing. No apparent holiday calls to anyone of a romantic interest on Thanksgiving, so it makes me wonder where STBXW is going from here.

Now I will be getting the cell-phone records starting with March to April, 2011 and working backward all the way to March to April, 2010. Should be able to uncover more evidence from that to forward to legal counsel.

For this particular billing cycle, STBXW amassed some 341 sent/received text messages.
 
#134 ·
Accumulative Stats for April-November, 2011

Arbitrator 96 Calls/ 260 Minutes = 2.7 minutes per call. 63 incoming calls placed by Arbitrator; 33 calls placed by STBXW.

Austin 91 Calls/ 1,783 Minutes = 19.6 minutes per call. 44 incoming calls placed by Austin; 47 calls placed by STBXW.

Victor 343 Calls/ 6,888 Minutes = 20.1 minutes per call. 290 incoming calls placed by Victor; 53 calls placed by STBXW.


Victor seemed to show far more evidence of being the pursuer in his relationship with STBXW. Judging from the calls and the trip she made to see him, it is apparent that they finally went PA from a very long EA. Having scored with him and contingent on his dogged pursuit of her, I can only opine that she grew tired of him and finally closed things out.

Austin and STBXW consummated their relationship back in 2010, and possibly earlier, all from their FB connection. Having been enamored by the physicians assistant, she distanced herself enough from Austin to see if anything would come to fruition with Victor. It didn't and she went running back to Austin, as evidenced by the ratio of the number of phone calls that she ended up making to him! And she, no doubt, rekindled her physical relationship with him.

To date, I have no earthly idea where she is at in having a romantic relationship with anyone.

And as for poor, old Arbitrator, he is just holding the bag, but feeling rather blessed that he will soon find himself free from this nightmare, and holding what I hope, is the trump card in richly putting this sordid marriage as far behind him as possible!


And for the record, for this accumulative billing cycle, STBXW amassed some 5,065 total sent/received text messages on just her cell phone alone.
 
#136 ·
Once divorce is final, I'm greatly looking forward to sitting down with STBXW's brother, with the cell phone log in hand along with some other data, and letting him see for himself, who it is that is at fault in this matter.

I'm sure she has said things to her family that might sully my reputation, and I feel that letting the patriarch of their family know the facts of this case, that it would greatly offer some vindication and closure to me, and perhaps restore some of my good reputation back to me!
 
#147 · (Edited)
Update

Further info has come to light revealing that STBXW and OM#2(Victor) made initial contact with each other on or around October 16, 2010.

Being the Physician's Assistant, he is also a former high school classmate of hers, who allegedly had his "heart broken" by her in those days of yore and was reestablishing connections with her for the first time in some 30+ years.

Contacts with him begin on 10/16/2010 and go through 10/30/2010, with a single posting on 8/2/2011.

Cell phone records indicate contact by both parties at an absolute minimum from April, 2011 up until mid-September when the evidence of those calls suddenly ceases. I would expect the older cell phone records to bear out that calls were vastly being made way back in even 2010!

Will post this info up later! Busy day ahead of me!
 
#154 ·
Bandito: Your insight and wisdom are always revered. If it were not, I would not be here and I always welcome and respect your opinion.

Older son has had a obvious concerted change of heart. He has seen the pain that I've endured and for a 22 year old, he has come around. He does not talk to younger brother about it at all.

My best church friend knows and he is someone who can be implicitly trusted.

My pastor knows~ and is protected by the "pastor-penitent" exclusionary rule, just as my attorney is protected by the "attorney-client" rule.

No one else knows, or ever will know! Not until the dust is finally settled!
 
#157 ·
Arb these call logs are your nuclear option. Just the threat of sending them public should be enough to get what you want out of the divorce. If word leaks out about it she and her lawyer will figure out a way to outmenuever your lawyer and get the court to view them as inadmissable, and then the logs are worth no more than the paper they're printed on.
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#159 ·
I mean - seriously - I hate the idea that they have the actual names of her fugbuddies in public here.
FYI: The "fugbuddies" names in my postings are totally ficticious and are nowhere even remotely close to the real ones!
 
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#162 ·
Really feel like puking... I just went to my email and just got a two-sentence "happy birthday" email from STBXW!

So very nice of her to think of me!
 
#166 ·
Older college age son related to me late last night that my STBXW had talked with him roughly a couple of years ago, that since he was engaged in trying to become a physician's assistant, that she had wanted him to meet a "good friend" of hers who already was one so that he could "pick his brain" regarding the profession in general. Well, that meeting never got around to materializing for one reason or another; most probably because this "good friend" was OM#2 living a few hours from here.

Then some brain cells kicked-in about a conversation I had had with her back in late 2009 to early 2010 about the "friend" and former co-worker of her deceased ex-husband who came to visit us in our home. She said that this guy and his wife had bought an absolutely beautiful Hill Country home overlooking one of its more renowned rivers. Anyway, this dude's wife sues him for a divorce, takes him to the cleaners for damn near everything he's got other than the home itself.

Well, as fate would would have it, STBXW had been invited there by him when she was in that area to attend a July 4th shindig, and remarked how such a palatial dwelling like that looked so odd without any kind of real furniture in it. She said about 20 people or so attended this gathering, but kept exclaiming how georgeous this place was. It wasn't too long after that, that this guy visited us in our home! This was OM#1.

Strange how the memory sometimes just seems to "fade out," and then suddenly "fades right back in" on you!
 
#185 ·
Thanks, Chap! My previous avatars like Dan Akroyd and Mel Brooks are people who make me laugh and smile. But being a Texan makes me proud as well and the "Come and Take It" Flag just about says it all!

From Wikipedia:

Regarding the Texas Revolution,"In early January, 1831, Green DeWitt wrote to Ramon Musquiz, the top political official of Bexar, and requested armament for defence of the colony of Gonzales. This request was granted by the delivery of a small used cannon. The small bronze cannon was received by the colony and signed for on March 10, 1831, by James Tumlinson, Jr. The swivel cannon was mounted to a blockhouse in Gonzales, Texas and later was the object of Texas pride. At the minor skirmish known as the Battle of Gonzales,- the first battle of the Texas Revolution against Mexico- a small group of Texans successfully resisted the Mexican forces who had orders from Col. Domingo de Ugartechea to seize their cannon. As a symbol of defiance, the Texans had fashioned a flag containing the phrase "Come and Take It" along with a black star and an image of the cannon that they had received six years earlier from the Mexican officials- this was the same message that they had sent to the Mexican government when they told the Texans that they would have to return the cannon- failure to comply with the Mexican government's original demands led to the failed attempt by the Mexican military to forcefully take back the cannon."

 
#173 · (Edited)
Considering that STBXW's side has made a rather "generous" offer of letting me off of the prenup hook at the absolutely unbelievable bargain basement price of some 70K, payable to her in monthly installments of $300 plus 6-1/2% interest on the unpaid balance(of the originally requested 250K), I think that I might be 97 or 98 by the time that I get to set fire to that note.

To wit, my attorney will not even dignify their offer with a counterofferatory response, their logic being "let's see if 'no response' from us will make them sweat a little and also if they get tired of waiting and she wants her freedom, then she might drop her recovery demands altogether." Meantime, my attorney wants me to present her with as much information as I can reasonably ferret out to assist her in making a motion before the court, in essence, to break the prenup and get the court's permission to move the divorce hearing from a "no-fault" hearing to an "at-fault" hearing.

My attorney is a rather high profile lady family lawyer, while located here in my city, handles cases statewide. She also does not like STBXW's attorney and reportedly has never lost a case to him. Right now, she is not billing me. I expect our interrogatories and discovery to go out in the very near future. The waiting around and jockeying for position gets to me at times, but that just seems to be an integral part of the legal process.

Right now, silence is golden and we're not exactly showing our hand of cards!
 
#174 · (Edited)
Through closer analysis of STBXW's cell-phone records, it's rather obvious that she was apparently "shacked-up" with OM(and other friends) in the Crescent City on the November 4th thru November 7th weekend; then, upon returning home, had her attorney file the divorce papers on me on November 9th.

Isn't that special?
 
#175 ·
Through closer analysis of both STBXW's FB and cell-phone records, it's rather obvious that she was apparently "shacked-up" with him(and other friends) in the Crescent City on the November 4th thru November 7th weekend; then, upon returning home, had her attorney file the divorce papers on me on November 9th.

Isn't that special?
Oh she is very special. I can't wait for your attorney to show some special treatment in return Arb.

Your STBXW really deserves it.......
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#178 ·
Arbitrator,

I'm reminded of the ancient wisdom contained in advising someone (getting ready to fire their last bullet) to make CERTAIN it will kill the enemy.

Seriously, I cannot wait for you to puncture her sanctimonious air of superiority.

The rules apply to her too.

And, karma is a real issue for users like her.



 
#181 ·
Good point, Shag! Don't know if it would be all that fruitful, as to the projected cost of such a suit and the inability to adequately determine if any resulting monetary dividends would be worth it.

I would greatly think that the spectre of the possibility of both of them being subpoenaed as hostile witnesses to some small rural town many miles from where they live, coupled with the harsh reality that they would likely have to divulge/disclose to their family members as to what their testimony might possibly entail, could certainly end up being as damaging to them, if not moreso, than to my STBXW.
 
#183 ·
Thanks, P! I love you exactly where you are as one of my caring advisors, as TDC doesn't need any more clients!

The abundance of money and its usage does some very strange and warped things to some people. I've never been that way~ thank God! My folks raised me to have a big heart and be accepting of all people, no matter what rank in life that they might occupy. And that's greatly in accordance with the fact that no matter who we are in life, we are all going to leave this world with exactly the same amount of money that we brought into it.

It's just so sad that some folks can't ever seem to grasp that eternal fact!
 
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