Join Date: Feb 2012
| | Re: My Wife and her ex-boyfriend
It has been a few months now since I found out that my wife has been completely unhappy in our marriage. She said she has never been happy
Was she happy the day she married you?
She only told you about it over a year into the marriage.
Did her Facebook contact with the old boyfriend start at about the same time as she told you she was unhappy in your marriage?
Can you see the content of their messages?
I know she is not physically cheating because we only have one phone and one car.
So, she never leaves the house, you never leave the house, and he can't travel to meet her? And they can't communicate in any other way by phone? There is no way they could be alone together anywhere at anytime? This is not a convincing argument that you KNOW she is not physically cheating. Did you leave out some other facts as to why she can't be cheating or do you base it just on the no phone, no car?
She is not afraid of losing you. Why are you afraid of losing her? It seems she already has chosen him over you. She won't give up talking to him for you.
Cheaters follow a script. It is remarkable how similar cheaters behave. Your wife is following the script to a T. This script calls for her to re-establish contact with an ex-boyfriend, tell the husband she's not happy and hasn't been for a long time, tell the husband I love you but I'm not in love with you, text/message with the other man and keep the messages secret from the husband and, if the husband pushes her to stop, tell the husband he's controlling. Has she told you "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "I have never been in love with you"?
Betrayed husbands follow a script also. You are following it to a T. That script is to be afraid to confront your wife about ending the affair or else she will leave you.
There is no guarantee that you can save your marriage, but you are not going to save it by doing nothing and letting the situation with the other man play out. If they haven't met up for sex yet, they will soon. Then she will tell you she needs "space" and ask you to move out. That way she can explore her relationship with the other man while you take care of your child and all expenses. By doing nothing, you are letting yourself in for weeks if not months of pain.
It is better to take action and confront your wife, but don't confront her yet.
If you confront her now, she likely will deny everything. It will be easier for you to get an admission out of her and move forward with the reconciliation process if you have more proof. Place voice-activated recorders in the places she is likely to talk to the other man on the telephone when you are not araound. The car, the bedroom, and the bathroom are popular locations.
If you have the means, hire a private investigator.
Put a keylogger on the computer she uses.
Give it a week. You should have proof. Once you have proof, then you confront.
You also have to break up the affair. Either before or after confronting, expose the other man to his wife/girlfriend and to his family and close friends. This helps to end the affair because the people you expose to will put pressure on him.
If your wife does not agree to end the affair immediately upon being confronted, expose to your and her family and friends.
If your wife does agree to end the affair immediately, she will have to cut all contact of any kind with the other man and give you complete access to all communication devices and accounts. She will have to tell you the truth about the affair, how long it lasted, why it started, and any other details you want. If you don't feel you are getting the truth, you can ask her to take a polygraph. She must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man, stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior, how terrible she feels for having risked losing her husband, her family, and her marriage, which mean more than anything in the world to her, and that if the other man ever attempts to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against him.
You are the injured party, she should be apologizing to you and begging you to stay in the marriage, not the other way around. If your wife refuses to meet your
If she doesn't agree to your conditions, you file for divorce. Divorce is a long process and filing is sometimes necessary for the cheater to realize what they will be losing and return to the marriage.
All of this should be customized based on how your situation plays out.
Right now, you are only in the evidence-gathering phase, next will come confrontation and exposure.
In the meantime, try to project a confident happy image, do not let your wife know you suspect anything, do not be needy, whiny, etc.
As for the "you're controlling" line, tell your wife this:
I cannot control you, I can only control myself and what I am willing to accept in a marriage and what I am not willing to accept in a marriage, and how I react to your actions. I am not willing to accept your behavior of being in an adulterous affair with another man while you are married to me.