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Uptown · 07-10-2012, 06:45 PM

AIGC, welcome to the TAM forum. "Going crazy" is exactly how you should be feeling if you are living with a BPDer. Of the several dozen mental disorder listed in the DSM-IV, BPD is the ONLY ONE that is notorious for making many of the spouses and partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Indeed, therapists see far more of those folks coming in (to find out if they are going crazy) than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

This "crazy making" behavior of BPDers is so well known that the "Nons" (i.e., nonBPD partners) have given it a name: gaslighting. It is named after the classic 1944 movie "Gaslight," in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy so as to get her institutionalized, allowing him to run off with her family jewels. One of his many tricks is to turn the home's gas lights down a tiny bit every day -- all the while claiming that he is able to see and read just fine.

Actually, the vast majority of the crazy making behavior of BPDers is not intended to make you feel crazy. Rather, it is the result of their subconscious minds protecting their fragile egos by projecting all their mistakes and shortcomings onto their spouses.

The beauty of projection -- and the reason that BPDers rely on it so heavily -- is that it occurs entirely at the subconscious level, allowing the BPDers to be adamantly convinced the projections are true. Hence, unlike lies (which BPDers will do when trapped), the projections are entirely guilt free -- an important attribute to folks who are filled with so much self loathing that guilt is a very painful experience.

I mention all of this to explain why it is so confusing and disorienting to live with a BPDer. Namely, the confusion largely arises because the BPDer spouses sincerely believe the outrageous accusations coming out of their mouths. The nonBPD spouses therefore are left thinking that they must have done something wrong to cause their spouses to be so upset.

If you have not already done so, I strongly recommend that you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com. It is so large that there are 8 separate message boards. The ones that may be most helpful to you are the "Staying," "Leaving," and "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD" boards.

I suggest that, while you are there, you check out the articles on the resources page. My favorite is Article 9 at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. If you decide to divorce, I recommend you get a copy of Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. It was released last year by Randi Kreger, the same woman who wrote the Eggshells book you already read.

Like you and MarriedinVA, I was married to a BPDer -- for 15 years in my case. If you would like to read about my experiences, please see my three posts in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. Take care, AIGC.

07-10-2012, 06:45 PM	#3 (permalink)
Uptown Forum Supporter Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 1,564	Re: Wife has BPD, I am going crazy AIGC, welcome to the TAM forum. "Going crazy" is exactly how you should be feeling if you are living with a BPDer. Of the several dozen mental disorder listed in the DSM-IV, BPD is the ONLY ONE that is notorious for making many of the spouses and partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Indeed, therapists see far more of those folks coming in (to find out if they are going crazy) than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. This "crazy making" behavior of BPDers is so well known that the "Nons" (i.e., nonBPD partners) have given it a name: gaslighting. It is named after the classic 1944 movie "Gaslight," in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy so as to get her institutionalized, allowing him to run off with her family jewels. One of his many tricks is to turn the home's gas lights down a tiny bit every day -- all the while claiming that he is able to see and read just fine. Actually, the vast majority of the crazy making behavior of BPDers is not intended to make you feel crazy. Rather, it is the result of their subconscious minds protecting their fragile egos by projecting all their mistakes and shortcomings onto their spouses. The beauty of projection -- and the reason that BPDers rely on it so heavily -- is that it occurs entirely at the subconscious level, allowing the BPDers to be adamantly convinced the projections are true. Hence, unlike lies (which BPDers will do when trapped), the projections are entirely guilt free -- an important attribute to folks who are filled with so much self loathing that guilt is a very painful experience. I mention all of this to explain why it is so confusing and disorienting to live with a BPDer. Namely, the confusion largely arises because the BPDer spouses sincerely believe the outrageous accusations coming out of their mouths. The nonBPD spouses therefore are left thinking that they must have done something wrong to cause their spouses to be so upset. If you have not already done so, I strongly recommend that you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com. It is so large that there are 8 separate message boards. The ones that may be most helpful to you are the "Staying," "Leaving," and "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD" boards. I suggest that, while you are there, you check out the articles on the resources page. My favorite is Article 9 at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. If you decide to divorce, I recommend you get a copy of Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. It was released last year by Randi Kreger, the same woman who wrote the Eggshells book you already read. Like you and MarriedinVA, I was married to a BPDer -- for 15 years in my case. If you would like to read about my experiences, please see my three posts in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. Take care, AIGC.