scotty

i think the biggest problem is her feeling that she is not part of the problem. but if you new her it would make sense. she never believes that anything is her fault. not that im saying that this non sexual relationship we are having is 100% her fault. but again, if you new her.... everything is always someone elses fault. ive tried to explain to her (concerning other areas of life) that sometimes you need to look in the mirror and say what can i do better. its a philosophy i do with myself. i know im not perfect, i know that i fail and recognize it, and do what i can to fix it or try to not make the same mistake. she does have a low self esteem, though few would notice. but it is recognizeable when you look hard at her personality. she will almost always avoid things that that may result in failure. she also lacks the ability to finish things. from the inane, like opening a box (never completely opens the box) to more complex things like working out our sex problems.

a few years ago, after doing some minor research, i brought home some herbal suplements/vitamins. they where to help give increased energy and libido. they where made for women. i asked her to just try and take them for one month and see if any changes happen. she took them for two days and threw the bottle away. its like that with other things. once she admitted that she was to blame and felt bad. i suggested that we go to her gyno and make sure everything was ok physically. seeing that the problem occurred BC (before children) there may a hormone problem or something. keep in mind that when talking things over with my wife i dont use words like "your problem" or "your to blame". so, anyways she never wated to discuss it with the gyno and got upset whenever i brought it up again. once i took her shopping and bought her all kinds of new outfits she was feeling kinda down about her physical appearance. along with those outfits were some sexy lingerie and things, that she picked out. she never wore one piece of it for me or otherwise. a few months later when i was feeling rather depressed about the whole thing i threw them away. she never said a word. to this day i think she believes they are still in the bottom drawer.

its odd that i can say "honey im really feeling depressed about our love life and would really like to do something to try and bring more romance into our relationship" and she will come back saying "why does everybody try and blame me". when shes in the mood there is no stopping her. she would have sex in an alley behind a dumpster. its just that shes in the mood only 3-4 times a year. and heaven help me if i say no. i said no once and i thought she was going to kill me, she was so angry. last year about this time i wrote her a letter about how i was feeling and how i was very concerned for our relationship. i got the idea from some info i had read. putting it in letter form was to possibly make her feel less threatened. and give her time to reflect with out my being there or so i thought. after a week i finally got the nerve to ask her about what she thought... she said the same things about me pressuring her and making her feel to blame and such. it was not a good time.

im feeling rather lost. this waxes and wanes. im ok by it for a few months then i will feel kinda lousey. i often will think that i saw all the signs and by being understanding i went through with a marriage that was doomed in the begining. its odd that all this talk i read about being understanding and caring for your partner is what has led me into this relationship. and now with kids its not the easiest thing to get out of, if at all. no, im not really thinking about divorce. i love her with all my heart.