| | Re: depressed...sos mariage drowning
While my personal experience has been nothing like this, I have had enough experience in my own life to project how I see this situation and what is really going on here. Here's my thoughts:
In a nutshell, I think he's suffering from a truly debilitating level of insecurity regardless of the current circumstances. I also believe that your current situation(s) in life are making that worse for him internally. Though they'll deny it, most men live with some level of fear that they're not good enough for the spouse that they're with and that someday she'll realize it and leave them. For me, this has been completely paralyzing at points in my own marriage and led to a lot of bizarre, self-destructive behaviors. As a person who was so fearful and insecure on the inside I had a tendency to ignore the positive things that my wife would do that should have reinforced her love for me. I also had a tendency to recognize things that could be twisted to feed the insecurity inside as well. In short - good things weren't seen, and 'bad things' reinforced for me how I felt about myself - not good enough.
You say that he's very jealous and possessive. Though I've never been outwardly jealous or possessive, the thought of a 'better man' coming and stealing away my wife ate at me for years. A clear sign of insecurity.
You also say that he's 15 years older than you. Most of the messages we get drilled into our heads each day living in this society would fuel that insecurity as well if there's such an age difference. As we age, most of us begin to feel like we're past our prime and not as attractive or desirable - things that would fuel a fear of being alone or unwanted.
He hasn't worked in a few years and he's basically broke. He's an older man with no money. In today's culture those are clear signs of an undesirable person and I'd suspect that he digests these messages each time he sees/hears them and it fuels things even further.
You've just graduated medical school, prestigious profession that's typically associated with a high income and you're attractive and in your prime. It doesn't take much to understand how much this might affect his own feelings about himself......you're a 'hot' commodity and he doesn't have what it takes to keep you and he's afraid. (I'm not saying this is what is REALLY happening....but I'd bet a nice dinner that's how he feels inside).
As these feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and fear of being alone continue to grow they begin to generate enormous amounts of shame and guilt and fear that take on a life of their own. You can show, tell, give love all you want.....when it reaches this point....it doesn't get through to him anymore.
Eventually, the instinct to feel wanted, attractive, and loved will come out in some inappropriate way. Just look around at this message board for the number of threads about internet porn, emotional affairs, real affairs and dating websites if you need proof. I'll bet that having registered for these dating sites, that deep inside he's now completely ashamed of himself - because he has 'proof' - done by his own hand that he's not good enough for you.
Should you be angry about the dating websites? Of course. Should you divorce or leave him? That's your call. Does he need some help, some counseling to address those feelings - I think absolutely. Because if it's not addressed in him - it will get worse for him, and it begins spilling out and destroying the very people that we love too - as you are feeling with the dating websites.
I could be completely wrong....but from my somewhat similar experience....that's how I see it.