Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

Soulseeker · 06-05-2008, 11:43 PM

Hey everyone! This is my first post to these forums. I'm glad that there are people out there willing to help and be helped by others!

To give you the just of my situation, I am 25, as is my boyfriend of nearly 3 years (this February). We have lived together since last November. He works full-time and I work part-time and go to graduate school full time. Needless to say, we are both busy individually.

Anyways, the problem I am having with him is not new. He is a very rational, solution-focused, wants-to-research-everything-for-months-before-he-buys, kind of unemotional, flat, down to earth, relaxed guy, altough he is very type-A and can be really anal about stuff. I'm a graduate student and have been in therapy for years now, working on my emotional growth. When we met, I thought "oh, he's just quiet, he'll open up eventually".

Well, here we are almost 3 years later and I literally have to pull teeth to get him to talk about what he is feeling. Whenever I am upset about something, he tries to give me solutions, when all I want is some validation of my feelings and to know he understands me. I have spoken with him on numerous occasions, not just when I am upset, about what I would like from him in the emotional department. He gets very defensive at that point, even though I am telling him what I NEED from HIM, not demanding him to do something. I think that is a reasonable request, especially considering the list of things he would like me to do (like do my dishes more often or take out the trash when it's full).

I'm feeling that, if we plan to get married, which we have talked about and made tentative plans about, I need to know that he is willing to work on our communication, emotional understanding, and emotional intimacy. Our conversations have no real "meat" to them. They are just superficial like "how was your day?" "fine, yours?" "good" "what are your plans for the weekend?", things like that. I'm not satisfied with "meatless" conversations or a lack of emotional understanding and intimacy.

Let me give you an example of what I DON'T want to happen anymore:

This week I was upset about something very significant that had happened to a family member. I came to my BF and told him what had happened and how I was feeling (I was frustrated, angry, and generally upset with my family member). Instead of saying, "wow, that sucks. I can't believe they did that again. Are you doing ok?" Instead I get "you can't control [family member's name]'s life, let them do what they want. you have done all you can to help them. you have no reason to be upset or mad at them since it's their life". Hmmm, that made me really defensive and I told him that he was responding in a way that was not what I needed and that I felt he did not understand how I was feeling or even comfort me when I needed to be comforted. I felt he was denying my feelings, like they were not acceptable or completely out of line for the situation (which they were not). We talked a bit, through my tears, that night, but never really came to a real understanding.

This is a lot of info, so read it over and ask me any questions if you need to know more. I hope someone out there can help me get my mind around this issue and figure out the best way to approach him, without him getting defensive and shutting down.

Thanks.

06-05-2008, 11:43 PM	#1 (permalink)
Soulseeker Registered User Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 5	Can't connect emotionally... Hey everyone! This is my first post to these forums. I'm glad that there are people out there willing to help and be helped by others! To give you the just of my situation, I am 25, as is my boyfriend of nearly 3 years (this February). We have lived together since last November. He works full-time and I work part-time and go to graduate school full time. Needless to say, we are both busy individually. Anyways, the problem I am having with him is not new. He is a very rational, solution-focused, wants-to-research-everything-for-months-before-he-buys, kind of unemotional, flat, down to earth, relaxed guy, altough he is very type-A and can be really anal about stuff. I'm a graduate student and have been in therapy for years now, working on my emotional growth. When we met, I thought "oh, he's just quiet, he'll open up eventually". Well, here we are almost 3 years later and I literally have to pull teeth to get him to talk about what he is feeling. Whenever I am upset about something, he tries to give me solutions, when all I want is some validation of my feelings and to know he understands me. I have spoken with him on numerous occasions, not just when I am upset, about what I would like from him in the emotional department. He gets very defensive at that point, even though I am telling him what I NEED from HIM, not demanding him to do something. I think that is a reasonable request, especially considering the list of things he would like me to do (like do my dishes more often or take out the trash when it's full). I'm feeling that, if we plan to get married, which we have talked about and made tentative plans about, I need to know that he is willing to work on our communication, emotional understanding, and emotional intimacy. Our conversations have no real "meat" to them. They are just superficial like "how was your day?" "fine, yours?" "good" "what are your plans for the weekend?", things like that. I'm not satisfied with "meatless" conversations or a lack of emotional understanding and intimacy. Let me give you an example of what I DON'T want to happen anymore: This week I was upset about something very significant that had happened to a family member. I came to my BF and told him what had happened and how I was feeling (I was frustrated, angry, and generally upset with my family member). Instead of saying, "wow, that sucks. I can't believe they did that again. Are you doing ok?" Instead I get "you can't control [family member's name]'s life, let them do what they want. you have done all you can to help them. you have no reason to be upset or mad at them since it's their life". Hmmm, that made me really defensive and I told him that he was responding in a way that was not what I needed and that I felt he did not understand how I was feeling or even comfort me when I needed to be comforted. I felt he was denying my feelings, like they were not acceptable or completely out of line for the situation (which they were not). We talked a bit, through my tears, that night, but never really came to a real understanding. This is a lot of info, so read it over and ask me any questions if you need to know more. I hope someone out there can help me get my mind around this issue and figure out the best way to approach him, without him getting defensive and shutting down. Thanks.