| | what do people mean when they say they dont get sex, and what is my category - wonder
Hi guys n gals,
I have been going through lots and lots of posts here and it has been quite difficult to keep up. When people here say that if you dont get sex then do this or do that .... exactly what do they mean here:
- Does she turn them down when you initiate
- Does she do it half heartedly when you initiate
- Does she do it half heartedly in a way that you think its practically a case of rejection and no sex.
In my case it is one or the other of the above almost all the time.
In my case I yearn and long for her to initiate because she has done it only about 3-4 times in the last 10 years. It makes me feel that I am not desirable at all. Of course when I do initiate she does it half heartedly most of the time so the whole experience is rather inadequate and the sexual release (if I could say so) does not happen.
Also when pressed she would do some BJ action like a minute long intermittent suck-lick-breathe-wipe penis head routine which might go for 3 minutes max. So this is almost like no practical BJ experience as well. At other times she will say no to BJ.
I have this extremely strong need to get a good start to end BJ but will never get.
For all practical purposes the experience whenever I initiate (about 2 times a week) is very inadequate and rarely satisfactory.
My question is what category should I put myself in if I have to identify with the general sentiment here. I would say "I dont get sex" category but what would you guys say?
Of course the above issue causes most of the friction in marriage and if this one was tackled in a more reasonable way by my wife I would take care of everything else that my wife has issues with to her liking but it so happens that we are always in a vicious circle. In fact I have taken care of all the material needs for her but the emotional needs are so inextricably linked to my own sexual gratification or her nonchalent views on it that I do not feel like responding to them and even if I do I do not get any positive change in our sex life so it goes back to the vicious circle again.
I am at the point now that I dont care but just wonder why the hell can she put in any positive effort at even working on this cause of tension. I have had a heart to heart frank talk with her numerous times (enought in my opinion).
I am the moneymaker, the strategist, analyst of the house and she is basically and has been the stay at home mom. Her unsuccessful attempts at not being able to find a job caused a resentment in her somehow (thats a diff story).
I have tried to be patient for extended lengths of time over few months consistently while I have worked at giving her my best attitude for her but she just doesnt get it.
I have heard of the other comments about MMSL techniques and other ways to make her find more interest in me... like getting my own hobbies and dressing up smart and generally working on myself regarding grooming etc. and I will do that all but at this time because of a temporary physical separation accross continents this is not possible to demonstrate to her.
Although I know it will eventually be a compromise but still I would at least expect her to start thinking about it and reading about this and at least make some effort at bridging the gap. But she doesnt do any - any small changes have been mostly of my own pushing and they have been so minute that they are insignificant and they have taken 10 years of marriage.
Sometimes this causes me to blow up wildly and in the process we have had a a couple of catfights and she scratched me and I slightly slapped her and she slapped me and we pushed each other... she even threw an iron rod not right at me but it was quite close and it hit the lcd and left a mark in the screen there eventually. I know self control is the key but sometimes the whole sexual tension in me causes me to get angry and it sets some mild to medium aggressive acts in motion in us. I do not remember vividly what happened and who did what but I do remember the 3-4 times we had significant fights it was over sex. Its so pathetic but then we are human.... however she seems a little inhuman and quite insensitive. Because of her extreme kind of nature I have called her dumb coz she cant see the point that her attitude to sex with me is making our family go through hell.
I have never got a kiss, a hug, or a caress of her own initiation.... So the point that I have never felt love emotionally connected (coz of no sex inititation or interest or participation) holds valid.
I have blabbered enough and more than what I had initially thought of asking....
Back to the question of category- WHich category do I belong ? (as in options A - dont get sex, B dont get enough sex, C - dont get satisfactory sex) I feel its almost all of these equally coz such is my sexual gratification deficit if I may call it.
Last edited by ukv; 08-10-2012 at 03:43 AM.