Originally Posted by RichardCollier
I personally find it very unlikely that my wife could reach the intimate connection I've discovered with the OW. No doubt things could get way better than they are now, but nowhere near the same. In terms of THIS aspect, your heart definitely tells you the truth.
I think the problem with post-affair marriages is the turmoil from the aftermath of the breakup. Like another poster stated... 10% chance of lasting 3 years. And another 10% chance beyond that. That's like... a 1% chance of success (although, in reality it's probably 3%-5%).
I am actually very confident in the closeness & intimacy part that I feel with the OW. That's all good. I am more nervous about the turmoil & aftermath taking its toll. Assuming the other (injured parties) successfully move on, there's still the terrible toll of the aftermath. My problems become hers. Her problems become mine. And the aftermath problems become BOTH of ours (that was a GREAT post EmptyInside), and so true.
It's because of all the external crap that I fear the relationship would fail. Regardless, you guys make it sound so easy to simply let a person you are so deeply in love with go. It's not uncommon for anyone who feels so desperately in love to try to do whatever it takes to be with that person. So even if you actually think staying with the wife is the right choice, I guess you just choose to "ignore" your feelings and hope they go away over time?
Well, I've also heard numerous stories of people that chose that path and years & decades later... still feeling some regret they didn't take the chance on "the one that got away", and how they still sometimes think of them and miss them. Obviously not to the level & extreme when it's in-your-face like I'm experiencing today (I'm sure that fades over time).
I don't argue that it makes sense to try to work things out with the wife. In NORMAL circumstances, people marry each other because they have felt a lot of passion for each other and chose the person that was best-suited for them. I was young & naive and feel I settled by choosing a person that was "best-suited" but one that we both did not necessarily feel immense mutual passion for. Knowing this, does that make a difference?
You just reasoned away why you feel you have no passion with your wife. Because you gave it away to the OW.
Do not give me that soul mate crap. When two people meet, have an attraction, have children it usually involves passion.
In most long term marriages that passion grows between 2 spouses, the level of love and committment grows between 2 spouses.
But not when one spouse takes that passion/love and gives it to another. You have had 3 people in your marriage. You short changed not only yourself but your wife and OW of a true passionate relationship.
That is what you do not see. Because you could have that relationship with your wife, you just do not want to.
You are blind Richard. You blinded your own heart and your GF helped you do it.
What a waste of 4 years for you, your Gfand most especially your wife.