hitrockbottom

So here is another chapter in my Saga...sorry I write so much helps me think...

Any ways...I cheated on my wife...it came out into the open 1yr 1/2 later.
I am paying for that now...I know this.

However during that year and half that It wasn't in the open I started watching all the things that she did w/other guys....I got Jealous...I worked through most of them and didn't show it at all to my wife.

Then there was the guy she had the EA with. Due mostly to me and pushing at each other until a big enought wedge was there that she didn't feel like she could, trust, open up too, or come to find comfort in anymore.

I became obsessed w/this guy. I would cringe when my wife would mention his name. Even though I knew that she wasn't sleeping w/him. I knew that she attached emotionally to him on a level I was not comfortable with. So I bottled it up...until here recently which I have explained...

I told my wife how I felt...but I didn't wash myself of the jealous issues...and Jealousy will blind you to the truth.....So I created these images/ emotional baggage in my head about what I "knew"(thought) was going on...I got angrier in my head and in my actions...caused me to snap in a fit of rage toward my wife, so bad that she left the house for the night....no I didn't hit her but I could have with the state that I was in....Also I further pushed away someone that I was trying to heal a relationship with...but I pushed Sub Consciously.... I asked on here about talking to the guy...I asked my my pastor...all no's...

So I thought, I prayed, and I meditated on it...I did more reading and soul-searching...until I decided that since I am so Hard headed If I were going to get over it I would have to face it head on...I did.

I called him last night...bad timing his wife just left him (AGAIN) and tried to take his kid...but I asked if we could speak over the phone he agreed...I let it all out..I told him first off that I was sorry for my actions that were unfounded toward him, then we spoke of my Jealousy toward him, and his actions w/my wife. I told him that I loved her and in trying to keep her I was pushing her away.... He listened...he told me he could pick-up on the jealousy....I explained why I was jealous...he agreed that some of my wifes lies and actions were uncalled for...he accepted my apology....I felt like I lifted a 1,000 lbs off my chest...I went home.

I went to the room where my wife was...I grabbed her arm, pulled her close to me hugged her tightly, quietly whispered in her ear that I was sorry for being such and ass...I told her I loved her.

In the suprise/heat of the moment she was swept up...didn't know what to think and actually let her guard down like it used to be before I hurt her...she said I Love you too(until she realized that she was suppose to be mad at me) But she said it....I felt great...today I feel great...I swallowed part of my Pride and faced it head on...I told my wife later that night what was said and what I did...she smiled and said thats good....you needed to do that.

It was as if I checked something off from a list in her head...I felt better, I hope Joel felt better, I hope my wife felt better, and I hope that I can control these things in the future so they don't have to get to this point...

Sorry for being long winded...helps me release. Still got a lot of ground to cover, this self-healing, self-critiquing is not fun...but my wife as mad as she is seems to be patient w/it and I know I need to do this...I love her, I know she is hurt but still loves me...I just hope I can fix/right the wrongs I have done.