Oddzball

My wife came form a previous relationship with 3 children. She lost her children to DHS because they said she was mentally unstable.

I am not writing this to make her look bad or anything, just trying to explain.

The 2 girls are with their father and the son is with her mother. She cannot get them back until she completes counseling.

She has not gone to any counseling yet, and pretty much refuses to go IMO, but I am trying to stay back on the issue because they are not my kids and I do not know what my boundaries are with another relationships kids and their own father.


I honestly believe my wife is Bi-Polar or depressed or something.

SHe can be the sweetest nicest person ever and in the flip of a coin be completely irrational and angry. Or the littlest things too.

I love her very very much, and I did go into the marriage knowing about this troubled past.

Maybe it was a mistake but I thought I could suport her and help her to change/get help.

Because when she isnt in a bad mood she really is the most wonderful person I know and this is why I married her.

But it seems no matter what I do she is always unhappy or complaining about something.

She says she wants to get a job but puts no effort into finding one.

She says she wants to get her kids back, but again does nothing to help the situation.

I work 10 hour days, and sometimes she is all for helping do stuff around the house while I work, but sometimes I come home and the house is a mess and she is just sitting on the couch in her pajamas. Didnt even cook me dinner.

I have complained that is she isnt going to get a job she needs to keep busy around the house while I am working.

Maybe it is selfish of me but I am so tired of working for 10 hours, coming home, and having to cook myself and HER dinner, and pick up around the house/yard.

I just feel completely worn out.

Blanca

She has a problem, but this is your problem. I also had this problem for awhile -wanting to help others- but it gets old fast.

i wanted to tell you something b/c i dont think you should feel bad for wanting out of this marriage.

I was talking to my counselor the other day. I told her i met a friend over the summer but i was pretty sure he was an alcoholic. He was failing out of his classes and always talking about drinking. You know what my counselor told me, that i could help this kid, be a kind of mentor. I also told her about another girl that was lazy and unmotivated in her studies. again, i was counseled to be a mentor. I have also failed out of classes and my brother is an alcoholic, so i guess she thought i could help them out.

there was a time i would have taken that advice. But a few days before this session with my counselor, i over heard a friend saying she was distancing herself from a guy that was bringing her down. I guess he was kind of moody and it was starting to affect her. And you know what i thought, what a healthy, smart thing to do. This girl is young, but she's smart, top of her class, and i bet she does a lot of good in the world. she wants to be a doctor and i bet she gets there. she avoids that guy now.

I was raised in a very religious home so the thought of not helping someone was basically blasphemy. I thought people were cruel for walking away. but now i think its the healthiest thing to do. I told my counselor that i was not going to try and help these kids. i was going to distance myself from them. amidst her objections, I told her that i remembered an interview with Serena Williams. Serena said that for a lot of her life she was surrounded by people that told her she should be thinner, and different. she believed them, much like i believed i was supposed to be "better" by helping people. But Serena realized that if she was going to be the best, that she had to surround herself with people that accepted her and were not constantly bringing her down. So, as hard as it was for her, she eliminated a lot of people out of her life.

And that's what ive started doing in my life. I have never in my life had an enemy. I now have three, that i know of. One is my own sister. My life was in shambles. Now, im doing well. Its hard and uncomfortable standing up for myself and i felt guilty at first. But i feel good now.

So i hope you stand up for yourself. whether your wife gets better or not should not be your concern. you need to take care of you. if you are healthy you will attract a healthy person. dont simply get angry and play the martyr. you are no more the martyr then she is. you have a problem just like she does. you attract dysfunction b/c you are dysfunctional. read up on codependency and even go to counseling. If you dont heal yourself, you will attract the same nut, different shell.

__________________

home_techie

hi there, I think i understand how you feel, but mine is opposite of yours, its my husband. I think he may suffer from severe anxiety, this i am not totally sure of, he wont go to see a psychiatrist, i have decided to stop working and stay at home to relieve the stressors for him, which is now i find stressful for me, as it is easier to go and work, but anyways,,ive decided to stay at home to see how things go, but it seems to be not working, my husband is very irritable, moody, constant health problems, insomnia, fatigued, body aches and pains constantly, at times i get fed up as i have no idea what else to do, at times its very hard, as one becomes the person at the other end lets say, and he dont realize most times his pushing me and our daughter away,,i am trying to be patient, as it has been several years this way, but each day it is getting to be harder and harder, and at times i feel guilty for wanting to laugh socialize and just talk with people, i guess responding to this forum in a way helps, at least i can talk with someone,,

Another thing i have noticed, he has a sister and a niece with what seems to be the same things!

Am I the crazy one? Is it just me? What do I do? How many other ways can i try and support him, stand by him, I have no idea what to do!

home_techie