kaka

When I met my wife five years back we discussed everything and i was very truthfull about my past life. i told her of my past sexual experienses since i believe that virginity is not an issue these day but she told me that she never had any sexual encounters since whe was saving her virginity for her future husband. The first time we had sex i realise that something was not right and told her so and she told me that she used to masturbate with toys and i believed her.
After five years she admitted that she had done it with a guy and then i found out that she had been having a sexual relationship with a guy for almost two years before we met but she had been lying to me all these years when i was so truthfull about my self even before we got married.I have even come to know that she had given heads to some guys which she used to deny before.
Now i cannot trust her anymore. i have lost faith in her and i am thinking of going for a divorce but the problem is that we have a 2 year old son and i love my son too much to let him go through this divorce thing.
Can you tell me what should be the best step to be taken in this situation

michzz

what culture are you two and ages?

I'm not so concerned if she was sexual before marriage. You yourself say you didn't care.

However , the lying is a big concern. Is virginity really important in her family/religion?

Many women downplay they're actual sexual experience. She may have been afraid to be truthful with you.

If I were you, I'd focus on the need for honesty in your marriage.

No point in scratching at her sexual history anymore. However, make it clear infidelity is not tolerated.

Stress your love for her, faithfulness is what you offer and insist on.

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kaka

Thanks for the advice. Like you said the only thing that hurts is the lying part. i felt betrayed and hurt,but for the sake of my son i am going to do everything to make my marriage work.

Blanca

i was also lied to by my spouse. it really hurts. i hated him and resented him for a long time. but after awhile, and a lot of changes on both our parts, i realized that my H is only human. He was trying to impress me and he was also being selfish. But we've both learned a lot and are moving past that very rough start. In a way i feel like im just now getting to know him. And for that i feel i am partly at fault.

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stillINshock

Perhaps she thought the lying would 'keep' you. A false protection, because it actually pushes away. Read LOVE BUSTERS and see how "radical honesty" can make a relationship stronger.

blacksage

It seems like you want to work it out, if she does not lie about anything else, just know that sex is something she is not comfortable about and maybe she will open up in time.