help me please

shane33 · 04-05-2008, 10:36 AM

Hello everyone my name is shane and i have a problem my wife of 15 years has left me and i know it is all my fault.I don't know how to fix it i love her with all of my heart and soul we have 4 beautiful daughters togather. You see the problem is that i broke her heart by not being there for her when she neede me i got way to comfortable in the relationship and forgot how to show her love and affection. She used to ask the simplist things of me like can i have a hug or will you go for a walk with me little things like that and i was to stupid to figure out what she wanted or to lazy i know this now but the problem is it went on for to long and now she says she is numb towards me and doesn't know how she feels anymore. I have screwed up so bad with her and am trying in the best ways that i know how to right all of my wrongs with her. Please understand that this women is the love of my life and the mother of my kids she just keeps on saying she needs time and space i believe that there is only a small window of opertunity left with her and i am haveing a very hard time giving her space and time i love her so much and i tell her all the time but she says they are just words to her and does'nt believe me it is just killing me i tell her i have changed and i am the right path in life now i spend every waking moment thinking about her and the only thing that i want from her is for her to hug me and say she loves me still but she says that she can't tell me what i want to here yet she does not know how she feels. What can i do? This women is my soulmate we are supposed to grow old togather spend the rest of our lives togather i miss her so much i look around our house and all i see are empty spots where she should be i wake up every morning and pray before i open my eyes that it is just a nighmare and she will be right there when i do open my eyes but i look and all i see is her side of the bed empy her stuff gone i get up and walk around and hope that she is here somewhere but to no avail my god it hurts so bad that i can't stand it. She and i are still talking and you know what we are laughing again smiling again having fun again it is like we are falling in love all over again but it kills me when i have to go back to my place without her. I savor every second we are togather now cause when i am not around her i miss her teribly what can i do? There has been many issues that she and i have been through togather and i think she might be having trouble letting go of the past and looking into the future i believe that love and marrige and relationships are a learning process we will all make mistakes in the journey and it is how we react to these mistakes is what will make us stronger and give the ability to over come hurdels in the road. Somebody please help me i am losing the love of my life i love her so much it hurts and when i can't see her i miss her terribly i am all tore up inside i can't eat or sleep when i do sleep i dream about her so when i wake up and she is gone it makes it worse someone please help me i even pray to the higher power for strenghth and gidance to get me back into the arms of my baby

draconis · 04-05-2008, 07:36 PM

Well, I guss it is all bout how sincer you are because you can offer her time and ask for one more chance but as soon as you blow it again consider it over for good.

But I would simply tell her that. "Take your time just do me on favor and allow me the chance to change."

Remember two many people wait until it is too late. Chances are she has been stewing on this for months if not years.

draconis

lorip_curtiss · 04-06-2008, 09:21 AM

I have just recently been around this situation with a couple of friends of mine. The problem is, she really does need space. She is probably feeling like all of your sudden trying now is fake just so you can get back to the way things were. If she says she needs space then she really does. One of two things will happen...She will either realize what she is missing by not being with you, or she will realize that things are better without you. Either way she will have time to figure out what will make her happy in th long run. And if you really loved her thats all you should want, is for her to be happy. Let her know, that you have not given up on the two of you and you will be there when or if she is ready. But if she chooses not to be with you anymore, you are ok with that because you just want her to be happy. Do something to show you have changed without smothering her. It wouldnt do either one of you any good to be with each other if she was no longer wanted to be with you but chose to stay anyway. It would be living a lie. The sooner you give her room to think about things, the sooner you can move on with your life with or without her.

KevinW · 07-27-2008, 11:35 PM

Wow, It's almost like I wrote this post. The only difference is that my wife is bi-polar and equally responsible for our problems. But that doesn't mean that I wanted to end it all, I just want totry to heal our relationship and lives. Yes, I'm confused, and all is lost.

I know where you are, and it hurts to know that someone else could possibly hurt like this, too.

ljtseng · 07-28-2008, 01:25 AM

This sounds like the situation me and my DH are currently in. My DH is unbelievably apologetic when he thinks he's going to lose me. He'd do absolutely anything i asked him to right now. In a way that pisses me off. I dont know if your wife is feeling the same things, but for me when my DH sprays me with apologies only when his own emotional well-being has come under fire, I dont believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I dont want to hear him say, dont leave me, im so sorry i hurt you, i cant live without you, i'll do anything if you stay with me. how selfish. and once his well-being is nicely intact again the stimulus for him to give me the emotional support i need will also be out the window. he'll go right back to his old ways.

i dont mean to be harsh. I know you are under a huge amount of stress and pain from your situation. I just thought maybe hearing exactly what someone on the opposite side of the situation is really thinking would help.

Think about it this way. You are starting from square one. It is very similar to having just met and you know you want to be with her. What would happen if you put all your emotional baggage on a her and smothered her with how much you need her when you first started dating? She wouldn't want to be with you. If my DH started treating me now the way he treated me when we were first dating, I'd forgive him for just about anything.

Show her that you are improving yourself. You've made a great start by coming here and reaching out for advice. Talk to her about the things you're learning and ask her opinion on different topics-especially one's you notice are of interest to her. And not just relationship topics. Bring up what she says a couple days later and ask her something else about it. If my HD would do something similar id be thrilled. Go to a counselor, get relationship books (and actually read them), and take care of your appearance.

If my HD did these things then I would know i could start to trust him again.

-lj