On the Verge Of Divorce!

Confusedin2010 · 01-10-2010, 05:45 PM

I am so depressed in this marriage! I feel like I am all alone. Where do I begin? I am 27 and my husband is 28 all though he doesnt act like it at times! I am stressed out to the max right now, he knows this and doesnt try to make me feel any better! I am juggling work, school, wife, bills and two children. Sometimes I feel like I am doing this alone. We have been married for a year and four months, throughout that year I have been the one to take care of mostly everything. I had to be the one to make a way out of now way while he sat back and watched! We only had my car to drive and I had to be the one driving back in forth to take him to work get to kids to school and to get myself to work on time and had to do it all over again at the end of the day! Mind you during most of this I was 5-9 months pregnant! He is never there when I need him! My car couldnt take all running up and down and the motor blew! He could care less! He finds a way to get to work and I have to fend for myself and the children for us to get where we need to be!

I have lost so much respect for him as a man because he cant even take care of his wife and kids! I dont feel much love for him these days! I bearly want him to touch me! We havent had sex in like 2 months because he makes me sick to my stomach. I cant comb my hair without clumps of it coming out because im so stressed! A woman gets tired of being superwoman and taking care of everything all the time! If a marriage is going to be like that we might as well not be married!

trailblazingwoman · 01-11-2010, 01:26 AM

Dear tired and stressed superwoman!

How courageous of you to speak out about your feelings and I am so glad you have. That’s a good starting point for you to find your way forward. The first thing I would say to you is that you are not alone. I totally appreciate that the situation you are in is making you feel alone, isolated and very frustrated however there are some wonderful resources that you can tap into that will make a big difference to your situation. For starters I am here sharing with you. So that makes one more person who is concerned about you and your situation.

You certainly sound like you have been carrying the responsibilities of a superwoman. From my experience coaching and mentoring women I find it is a common thread in many frustrated relationships that the woman believes she needs to be a superwoman. I call it the “superwoman syndrome” because it is so very prevalent in women who take their responsibilities seriously.

There are a couple of things that come to my mind to share with you if that is okay with you.

Build a network of caring people around you. Reach out for more support. Particularly, find someone who you consider to be a confidant who can walk this journey with you until you are out the other side. This could be your general practitioner, a counsellor or a personal coach like myself. You have begun to reach out for help. Take it a step further and reach out for ongoing professional support that will give you the wisdom, insight and encouragement you need at this time.

Have a good talk to your general practitioner (GP). The fact that your hair is falling out can be indicative of severe stress or it could be a sign of hormonal imbalance. I feel it would be wise for you to have a full blood test to ensure all your blood levels are where they need to be and also your hormones. You mention you were pregnant when the car incident occurred. I am not sure how long it is since the birth of that child however I am wondering if you could be suffering from postpartum depression as well as all the weariness from your responsibilities. It could be worth asking your GP about this and also about depression in general.

Once you have a network of support around you then you can consider putting in place some boundaries in relation to the way in which your partner behaves towards you and communicates with you. Please visit my website www.trailblazingwoman.com.au and read my blog entries. Whilst these blogs are written for women whose partners suffer with depression the guidance in these blogs is applicable to effectively managing any relationship. The next blog I will be posting will be specifically about “setting boundaries in relationships”. Keep an eye out for it. That will be your next step to freedom. However do not start on this part of the journey until you are feeling stronger within yourself physically and emotionally, have a strong support network around you and someone you can talk to when you need advice.

Be gentle on yourself! If you would like further information on my coaching and mentoring services for women please visit my website or contact me personally by email to christine@trailblazingwoman.com.au.

Warm regards
Christine McRae
The Trail Blazing Woman
christine@trailblazingwoman.com.au

Confusedin2010 · 01-17-2010, 05:28 PM

Dear Trailblazing woman,

Thank you so much for your kind words! I need someone to be help and guide me! I don't have a lot of ppl that support me in this! Especially family. My family is basically telling me to leave and that my husband is a piece of trash. My mom went as far as to say that I have made a mistake. Some family right? As far as the post partum my daughter is now 10 months and I have been checked out for that and the doc just thinks that I am just depressed! I don't know what else to do! Maybe I should just give up like everyone thinks I should. My husband doesn't seem to be making an effort to do any better! I just don't know. -sigh
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Alexandra · 01-17-2010, 07:24 PM

Wonderful advice above by trailblazingwoman! Excellent all around.

I completely understand your feelings of exhaustion, frustration, anger and just plain end of your rope depression. To be blunt, you are doing too much and your hubby is not doing enough. Not like you didn't know that already

Getting support from friends and hopefully family will help to fill the gaps that your husband is leaving empty. This will give you some necessary space and time to take care of yourself.

Also, is there anyone who can talk to your husband about the situation? Someone he trusts who could open his eyes to what you're going through and how he could help?

Do you have high demands of him? By that I mean, do you criticize him when he does try to help? Do you expect so much that it's easier for him not to try? Just throwing those things out there to see if there's anything you can do to help motivate him.

Many blessings to you with your duties, family and marriage.