SIAS5727

Hey,

I'm a 21 year old female. I have a bit of a probelm. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and in the beginning everything was great and I wasn't as insecure, I felt pretty normal and great. However, six months into the relationship he asked me about my past and I told him that about 2 years before we even met, I'd given oral sex to a guy who was friends with him too at the time. This made him so, so, so upset and jealous, but most of all he lost his trust in me because he expected that I'd tell him I'd been involved with a mutual friend, even if it had happened long before we met.

Ever since he doesn't trust me and I guess trust issues are contagious. Or not? I don't know, but I've grown increasingly insecure. Too much, so much actually that he says he's sick of me and sometimes wishes he hadn't met me. Yet he says he finds it too difficult to break up.

I too find it difficult, but I love him a lot. That's what I don't get. One day he'll be like "I love you so much" and then the next, if I have an insecurity outburst he'll be like "Sometimes I feel like I hate you, as a matter of fact I don't even know if I love you anymore". And he won't talk to me for a while. So I don't know if he actually loves me and wants to be with me or not.

I just feel like I can't control it. I feel like every other girl is better than me. Smarter than me, funnier than me, prettier than me, more trustworthy than me. So I get jealous of every other girl. And if for some reason I nag him about it and he seems like he's defending her, I feel even worst which only makes things well... worse. He says it's not about other people, it's about me and that I'm the one with the problem. All I want is for him to be a bit more reassuring, but he says he is not responsible of fixing my issues, and that he's already put up with too much what with my lies and insecurities, and that he's tired of it.

I even get jealous of his celebrity crushes and porn. I hate thinking that he believes this women are more attractive. I once asked him and he told me that yes they are more attractive, because they have to. I just hate thinking that they fulfill in him something that I can't. I hate thinking that he fantasizes about having sex with them, that if they have nude scenes in movies (there is a particular actress he likes who always does nudity and has a really great body even though she's over 40... a body that looks nothing like mine BTW) he gets turned on by them. I just wish I was the most attractive in his eyes. I've always had self image issues, and knowing that he thinks they're prettier and sexier makes me feel worthless. I obsess over this. The other day I tried looking at his history, and he got upset, and deleted it before I could see it. He just doesn't answer any of my questions or does anything to make me feel more secure. He's just like "So what if I find them hotter? I'll never meet them, so what? Just let me find them hotter, it doesn't affect us".

Now he also wants to start going out on boys nights out. I feel really bad about this, especially since I have no close friends (when I started college three years ago I lost all my old friends, and the new people I've met either don't go out partying, or we just don't click like I did with my old friends). I also don't go out because I know he doesn't trust me and I'd have to deal with a lot of questions and mistrust afterwards so I don't bother.

I can't talk to him about it. He says I nag too much and that if he wants to go out, he'll go out and I shouldn't nag because he won't cheat on me. I know he won't, it just makes me feel left out and boring, and I'm afraid that while he won't cheat, he may meet a funnier/sexier/smarter/more trustworthy girl. Who knows? Most of his friends are single, so they're usually around a lot of single girls.

I just really feel like I hate myself. I just can't see myself as pretty because I'm not like his celebrity crushes who are a lot more beautiful even if they're airbrushed or whatever, I'm sure they still look better than me without all the airbrushing. I just hate thinking that he gets turned on by them, and I'm just average. I feel boring, uninteresting, etc. I'm just so insecure and he doesn't understand me.

I don't know what to do. Counselling has been of absolutely no help so far... am I destined to be alone?

J34

it is weird how at first in the relationship , youre fine and the more you get involved the more insecurities seem to appear almost like out of nowhere. that started to happen to me for a little while, really you just have to start working on yourself and your self image. you can't force him to think you are the most attractive woman out there, all you can do is make sure to stay healthy and in shape and just overall take care of yourself. don't let yourself go just because your comfortable and have been with this guy for a long time. still get ready and look your best when you go out, this should bring your confidence back up and once you've got that again, your boyfriend and the rest of the world will notice it. remember...there are always going to be beautiful girls out there and thats never going to stop so why not be one of them. youre young and in your prime- take full advantage of that
good luck

SIAS5727

Well, I don't know if I can be one of them. I'm just not naturally or effortlessly beautiful like most of them who can be without make up and look gorgeous. I've been bullied all my life over being ugly, so I know it's not just my imagination (that's a sperate issue though).

J34

usually the stars that claim to be wearing no makeup have atleast some on just less than what they are usually wearing. whether or not you think you are attractive, EVERYONE has something beautiful about them. you just need to work on loving yourself and just realizing this is the face/body you were given and frankly stuck with, so why not appreciate it. Again, if you work out and stay in shape- this will help a lot on your self image and boost your self confidence. And you got to remember beauty is only skin deep, so if you continue to smile and just have a sweet heart your beauty will shine out to others. and obviously if your guy has been with you this long he sees this beauty. geez i'm your age and already married- when i get insecure i just think of how young my husband and i are and how he didnt have to settle this early and could be with any other beautiful woman he wanted, but he chose me. same with you, your guy is with you for a reason! stop with all this low self esteem- it's just going to irritate your guy and possibly push him away. when you point out your flaws to others they are going to notice, so i say point out all the positive features you have! common GIRL- seriously you can do it, it's not going to happen over night- but slowly start embracing what you've got