Bambusa

I'm new to this forum. Not sure where to introduce myself and as my issue is dealing with a Passive Agressive Partner thought this might be the most appropriate spot.

As I said, I am currently in a relationship with a Passive Agressive Male. He drives me to distraction and there are some days where I love him to death and others were I want to bang his head against the same brick wall I seem to have my own head against most of the time.

Outwardly he is a sweetheart, walks around like the doting husband/partner and sometimes he can be that very person. Other times he can be rude, sulky, controlling, overbearing and chaotic.

You can't reason with him. Everything I say is a slight against him. He knows the things that push my buttons but seems to push them anyway, then feigns that he wasn't doing it deliberately and goes into victim mode accusing me of always picking on him.

He butts into everything I do and contradicts me numerous times, yet when I point it out he seems to twist it around to be about him and somehow he believes that he is the one who first raised the issue and magically I am the one who is at fault yet again!

I am a very calm, very easy going and very patient person. I was married for 12 years previously and during the first 11.5 years of that relationship my husband and I NEVER fought. We discussed thing and were both able to reason with each other.

This is foreign to me, but it is slowly becoming the norm.

It takes a lot to get me fired up and I tend to pride myself on being a very reasonable and objective person, but time and time again, I am finding we are banging heads and it ends with me in tears from sheer frustration.

My partner takes no prisoners during a disagreement, he bends the truth, omits facts, changes the subject, to suit his own argument and to be honest, he's as slippery as a well oiled snake.

He has in the past accused me of storming out or throwing things around in a rage and as god is my witness this has not been the case. I ask him to leave me alone when I am angry and I calmly leave the room. I have never thrown anything in anger but I swear these blasey statements are deliberately designed to bait me into having the argument so that he can play the victim.

I'm ready to strangle him. Honestly, I don't know how much more of this ridiculous behavior I can take.

I'm ready to poke a dummy in his mouth or leave.

turnera

Why ARE you taking it? It will only get worse.

stillINshock

I'd recommend couples therapy - but if he's anything like mine used to be he's say something like "you're the only crazy one here."
But its worth pursuing - even if to get him there you place the blame/need on you... "I need it to help me - will you come with me to help me?..." yada yada. That way he doesn't have to go feeling like the blame will go to him and might be given the opportunity to be your hero.
Good luck.

turnera

If you HAVE to stay with him - and I don't recommend it - you need to educate yourself on the destructive qualities such people have. They are master manipulators, and their life's goal is to win. It's all a game to them.

Start checking books out of the library on passive aggressiveness, control, and manipulation. You need to understand what you're dealing with.

Bambusa

He is happy to go to couples therapy but I am worn out and just don't know if I have the energy to go through it at the moment. The first 5 sessions will not doubt be about how much of a victim he is and how he never feels like he is heard, how he can never do anything right.

The comment about not doing anything right stems from a number of foul habits he has that I pull him up on, after much arguing and forcing him to stick to the facts and not divert he realises what he is doing is wrong, but then 5 minutes later is back at it again.

There are so many examples but here goes one or two...

He empties the bin, but then walks off and leaves it without a bin liner and asks me to thank him - literally, forgetting I have just cooked his dinner, washed and folded his clothes, fed, bathed and run his kids all over the courtyside, yet I am supposed to thank him for taking the frigging bin out. I've talked to him about this numerous times but he still does it and I can only take it as baiting. So now I just dump the food scraps as is in the bin without the liner and when he complains remind him that I'm sick of reminding him to put the bin liner in.

I told the kids not to play on the computer until they had made sure their homework was done and they had their chores completed (tidying room and having their baths etc). He pipes in with, 'they're not playing, it's educational'. Ummm, it's an educational computer game, but it's still playing and doesn't absolve them of following their usual afternoon routine.

I tell someone the sky is black, he'll say no it's not. If I then turn around and agree with him, he'll say I was right the first time.

He acknowledges he has a problem and is reading self help books on it. At times, he genuinely seems to want to change, not just for me but to improve all his relationships. Other times he is stubborn, condescending, manipulative, sarcastic and cunning.

turnera I'm beginning to think it's not going to work out, and that you advice might be the only thing I can do for my own mental wellbeing in the long term. However I'm curious to know if anyone has successfully worked things out with a Passive Agressive Partner and if so what tips they would have before I throw it all away.

turnera

I know of one couple - one of my best friends - whose husband was a genius, literally, and it was just his nature to be 'better than' her. Fortunately, she just would have none of it. For every 'push' he gave, she gave one back. He actually liked that about her.

Bambusa

It's hard to explain, but my partner doesn't want to be better than me in everything. I think his ego just gets in the way. What he lacks up in height he seems to overcompensate in other areas.

I'm a strong person also and I do give back or assert myself when it comes to the respect thing. I just don't feel I should have to fight for that all the time and I'm tired of the constant tug of war for something that should be a natural thing for human being.

stillINshock

A good therapist will see right through him. Trust me. My H has a LOT of those qualities.

In every example you gave there is a tone of resentment. And your response has a tone of withdraw. (Been there, so I can see it.)

If he is willing to go, I think its worth it - if you think the marriage is worth fighting for. If you are done fighting - don't waste your time. Get out and find happiness. Read LOVE BUSTERs.

Bambusa

Thank-you for that site address. Very insightful.