aangelone1

I'm not married but this is the only place I saw about anxiety, depression, and relationships and how each is affected.

Since having anxiety, I do a 180 and question everything I know to be true, especially with those I care most about and my boyfriend, Ken.

Just a little info on the situation:

I'm under a lot of stress. I'm in an international Long distance relationship with an absolutely wonderful, supporting boyfriend, who is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm a junior in college and I feel lost here...I don't feel comfortable in this school and I felt that way before I left for Australia, where I met my boyfriend. I especially don't feel that way now. I was so happy in Australia and felt extremely comfortable and welcomed. I felt like I could relax and be myself.

Flash forward to now being back home in Boston, I have daily anxiety...feel emotionally numb a lot of them time except for tears and frustrating emotions. I can't feel love for my boyfriend and I KNOW that I do. When we are together, I am calm, peaceful, and I feel whole. I don't have this anxiety like I do now. He knows I have all of this anxiety and I've explained it to him and he's still soo supportive and he's hanging in there with me, encouraging me constantly.

I get anxiety when I can't feel love because I start freaking out like "DWhat if I don't love my boyfriend? What does this mean? Am I not supposed to be with him?..." It makes me want to crawl into a hole but I don't want to because I love him so much and I refuse to give up on the best thing that has EVER happened to me. I don't know how I got so lucky to find him.

I get anxiety whenever a thought of any other guy comes into my head. Moreso if they're guy friends or something. It's like...not romantic at all. This past week or so it's been the thought of one guy friend in particular who I ahven't talked to in about 2 months. In fact, I haven't really talked to him but like 4 times since I've met my boyfriend...before I started dating my boyfriend when we were just friends. Like...we only really talked for a couple of weeks. We shared a lot but it was mostly our issues and stuff with life...like with him he had really bad issues with his girlfriend and it was a lot of negative stuff. All of the information I've shared with him I've since shared with my boyfriend so it's not like...he's the only one who knows or anything. For example, he would send me a message on fb chat like "I hate her" and I would try to make him feel better. We only really talked in person a few times and most of those times were after I asked him if he wanted to talk because he sounded SOO depressed and worried me. He reminded me a lot about myself emotionally.

Lately he's been the Automatic negative thought that keeps popping into my head. like not romantic...just like his face here and there and this gives me anxiety and gets me going with the "What does this mean? Why am I thinking about him? DOes this mean I don't love my boyfriend...etc."

I've been a little bit better at calming myself down but it seems like because I don't want to think about it, it sort of associates itself to every single thing I think and that gives me anxiety. like I woke up with anxiety yesterday and I had a an image of trees and such in my head and for some reason that was associated with him, it's ridiculous. I'm willing to admit that there probably is something about him that does fascinate me and possibly attract me but that doesn't change the fact that I love my boyfriend and want to be happy with him. It's hard when we're apart, you know? And I know that I perpetuate the thoughts myself sometimes. I can be fine and not thinking about it at all and then it's like I notice that I'm not anxious and my mind will go "Oh good, you're not thinking about it." which just brings it back into my mind. It's hard because I don't have these thoughts with my boyfriend. I didn't start feeling anxiety until about a month before I left for home and that should tell you that I was really stressed about going back. I spent an amazing week with him before coming home and I could feel love then and I've felt love since. Just I'm getting so overwhelmed and I feel like my emotional good days are less than the bad days lately and I am constantly plagued with questions and it's just frustrating. I don't want to be like this any more. I want to be able to feel the love and affection that I know that I have for my boyfriend.


After going to counseling and talking to my therapist about this, I've sort of realized that I put tougher restrictions and expectations on myself than everyone else in the world. Like, I feel guilty or like I am cheating on my boyfriend when a thought of another guy, even an unromantic one, comes to my mind when both my boyfriend and I have talked about how it's absolutely normal to find other people we meet to be attractive, whether it be physically or emotionally in some way. I mean, of course we're going to have thoughts about other people from time to time...it's just a part of life. It happens. We can't control it. And yet...I try to stop myself for some reason. So of course, because I stop it...I think of it more, like my guy friend who I probably am fascinated by or have some sort of emotional connection to. But it;s like...ridiculous. I mean...I don't expect the anxious thoughts to go away right away after i've realized this but I will continue to work with it, you know?

This is the first real serious relationship I've been in (I'm 20, young but old enough I think) and the first time I've been in love. I guess I'm learning as I am going and it is more difficult as I don't know what to expect or whatever and the long distance does add a lot of stress on my life. The thing is...I KNOW I love him. It just seems like there's a disconnect between my head and my heart lately. Be it hormone levels or stress levels causing it...it's frustrating. The sort of emotional stunting or whatever that I'm experiencing has escalated as my stress has escalated. I just hope that as I sort out my issues and calm down with anxiety that I'll be able to feel more like myself and feel the full breadth of my emotions, just not the negative ones, you know? I mean, when I'm not feeling anxious I feel fine and my thoughts are a lot more consistent, rational, and logical...but holy crap when I start feeling anxious I question EVERYTHING...like what if years down the line I'm not meant to be with my boyfriend? The fact remains that things might not work out in the long run but that shouldn't stop me from enjoying our time together now and I KNOW this but the thought of being without him scares me so when I'm anxious and I feel like i'm cheating on him, I can't feel the love I know I have for him, and I question if just ending things with one of the most important people in the world to me would make my anxiety go away, like a fix or something. I know it's not.

Oh I know for a full fact that my mind is playing tricks on me. I also know that feelings of love, as strong as I feel for my boyfriend, just don't go away overnight which what I felt like happened as my anxiety got bad. I'll get it back again, I hope. I just want to start to feel again.

I still talk to my boyfriend every day and I still carry on as usual...there's just not always that extra twinge, like the warm, butterfly feeling which he gives me. I generally feel at peace, calm, and whole when I am with him so to be so upset, disrupted, and not whole right now I'm sure has something to do with it.

I try breathing techniques and binaural beats. They help a bit but I still feel like I'm emotionally numb and withdrawn from all the stress I've placed on myself.

Sorry for this rant.

turnera

If you're asking for advice, well, you won't like what I have to say. You're 20. You have a LOT of living to do yet, before you finish changing and maturing. I don't think most relationships that start when the people are younger than 24-25 will work out. Why? Because both of you are still changing, still deciding what you believe in, what you want out of life. If you stay determined to be with this person, no matter what, but then start realizing that what YOU believe in or want doesn't match up with what HE wants (for instance, where to live), what happens? What happens is that ONE of you has to give up something. And what happens when you give up something, for the sake of someone else? You RESENT that person, whether you want to, or not. And resentment is a KILLER for a relationship, eventually.

As for the other boys and your thoughts...you are going through that because you're only 20! It is normal for someone your age to wonder, to want to date and flirt and be flirted with. It feels good. It kicks up the chemicals in your brain that are supposed to be stimulated at your age.

My advice is to tell your boyfriend that you need to concentrate on school until you graduate; can you be friends until then, and then see where life takes you? For now, concentrate on YOURSELF. Learning, growing, thinking, accomplishing things...become comfortable in your own skin. You don't have to have a guy liking you to be complete; God made you, so you are worthy, all by yourself. Be glad with that.

And give yourself time to decide who you are. Finish college. Start your career. Have fun, date, go out with people and experience life. Somewhere along the way, you'll meet the right guy, and he'll be ok with who you have become (and hopefully live in the same city as you), and you'll get more serious. Maybe even with your boyfriend from Australia.

But for now, just be yourself.

mablanscet

Alright so I actually registered for this site after seeing your post and felt like i needed to respond to it. So here is my rant.

I have been going through the exact same thing as you. Me and my gf have been dating for 2 years, it is a long distance relationship, and i have been in depression and anxiety for almost the entire time of our relationship. And i go through the same things that you are. Days where you are crazy in love with them then the next day you are scared to death becuase you feel like you dont love them anymore. It was interesting reading your post becuase of how i felt like i could relate.

I guess the advice I have gotten from close friends and councelors is that the things that you think are all in your head and it is lies. What makes it hard is that to me, sometimes it feels like what your brain is telling you is how it should be and your actual life feels like the lie. Its wierd. But i have been told numerous times that it is depression and anxiety getting to me and i need to figure out how to control it.

The fact is that my gf is perfect for me. Others have seen it and said it. She builds me up, is obviously crazy for me, and fits everything that I look for in a future wife. THis is all what makes it even more frustrating that these random thoughts are going through my head.

And as far as other people, i go through a guilt trip every time i talk to other girls. It feels like icant have any friendships with another girl becuase my mind tries to tell me its wrong or that Im more interested in them than my gf. It is just another factor that makes me second guess my relationship, a relationship that is better than any other.

I guess my point in all this is to say your not alone. Its nice to hear that someone else is going through it too and your not the only one. Make sure to stay busy and keep from getting into any routine. I have found that a rountine week makes me depressed more and i just drown in my own thoughts. It is like you said... your heart and your head just arent connected fully. I know I am suppose to end up with this girl but I want my head to be cooperative whenever I make the next step and right now its completely opposite. Guess we just got to stick with it and know that depression and anxiety can be dealt with and rid of! Hope this helps.

Nekko

Uhm, is your issue perhaps low self esteem? This sounds like you don't trust your own decision. It has nothing to do with your partners.
Those automatic thoughts are choices, not facts, not reality. Along the lines of 'hey, you sure you wanna do this?' a confident person will then think 'hell yes'. (this refers to the 'internal dialogue most of us have, specially when depressed or anxious). A low self esteem person will think 'omg, if i'm questioning this it might mean it's not right' or 'why am i thinking this?'. Just how some people have sexual fantasies and because they don't have self trust, wonder if they'll eventually end up wanting to make them reality, and other more confident people know fantasies are just for fun and they don't want that in real life, or do want that in real life. But they know for a fact what they are feeling and want. Building more trust in you and your own decissions (and getting to think that your choices and decissions are correct and responsible) will help a lot i think.

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