Need opinions, lots of help...and a plan.

seekingwisdom · 06-12-2008, 09:39 AM

Hi all,

I'm at a loss for ideas as to how to "fix" my situation. For most of the past 3 years, I have been living with someone who suffers from bipolar, severe anxiety, and a host of related issues. I have always been supportive - providing money ($$$), transportation, housing, food, doctor and medication research, etc, etc. His family denies his illness, and was pretty happy to see me start picking up the tab for his trainwreck of a life.

It has not been easy. It has at times been overwhelmingly stressful. But I thought I was doing the right thing in standing by him through the tough times. I thought he would get better, get things in control, and we could go back to being a couple. Unfortunately, the tough times multiplied. He lost interest in sex sometime last February. During a manic phase last September, we had sex once. Nothing I did could spark interest, so I eventually began sleeping in another room (he snores like crazy, anyway).

Other problems developed. Too many to describe here. I guess I would summarize him as a very nice person with absolutely no relationship skills...and no desire to obtain them. In 3 years we moved from couple, to Caretaker & Patient, now 2 buddies.

I repeatedly asked him to go to therapy. He would not help pay for a couples counselor, and for some reason could not arrange it with his own therapist (who seems rather useless, anyway). So we talk, we fight, we end every discussion about what to do by just walking away exhausted. By discussion, btw, I mean I talk and he says "I don't know".

We have had conversations about him moving out, but he has no car, no money and no real job. I did not want to go to the point of throwing him out and creating a homeless person. I thought we could find some mutually-agreeable solution. After more than a year of trying to reach that person in his head, I have pretty much given up. Honestly, I feel used.

This week, he is in NY with his family, telling them what a rotten person I am and begging for money and a place to live. Apparently, he has been emailing them and blaming me for this situation! I was pretty apalled when I discovered that, and felt like telling him not to bother coming home. I decided to post here, instead and wait for my anger to subside.

So...that's where we are today. I am thinking of paying for a marriage counselor myself, in the hopes that maybe he/she can help us figure out an exit strategy. I used to want to see some effort on his part...some movement that said "I care, even if I'm not good at showing it.". Now I don't believe he is ever going to make an effort at fixing things.

Have any of you been through a similar situation? Have you any ideas as to what to do next?

Help....

draconis · 06-12-2008, 09:47 AM

If he has issues that he will not work to solve, blames you for his troubles and lives off of you I hate to say it but one person can't make a marriage work. Either he needs to really try to help out fixing things including himself or you are better off alone.

draconis

seekingwisdom · 06-13-2008, 12:05 PM

Thanks for pointing that out. I keep thinking *I* haven't done enough...not *he* hasn't done enough. Apologies for the length of the post, btw...didn't realize I was running on.

swedish · 06-13-2008, 12:53 PM

I see some strong similarities to my first marriage. At the end, I felt so used and really saw no effort on his part to make any lasting changes. I came to the point where I believed in my heart that he did not love me and that I was only there to provide security for him. I think that by him running home and talking bad about you just magnifies that he is afraid to be on his own and showing that he is not willing to do the work that is needed within your marriage.

You have done more for him than he is willing to do for himself. I think it's time to really do what you want and what will make you happy.

izz4u2mm · 06-13-2008, 03:37 PM

ToSeeking...I really feel for you. I think you have done alot for this man but don't forget he is sick. But not sick enough to put you down wrongfully and sounds like he does not want to get back on his own 2 feet. You put in 150 per cent and he takes 75 per cent away!!! Tell his family ok enough is enough. Thats my opionion.
Help yourself now.
Manny

lisakifttherapy · 06-16-2008, 10:04 AM

It's really painful when the person you love struggles with the number of issues as it sounds like yours does. It sounds like you've been supportive the best you know how - but at the end of the day he's not willing to help himself! Try not to fall into the trap of, "if only I do x-y-z then maybe it will change..." At this point, he needs to take responsibility for his own problems and behavior (which by the way have also been your problems being in relationship with him.)

If you decide to end it, take away the knowledge that you did everything you could - but he wasn't willing to meet you halfway. At some point we all have to take care of ourselves.

Deejo · 06-17-2008, 08:37 AM

One of our best traits is the ability to be selfless and help others. It is admirable. Unfortunately, it is also a trait that others will take advantage of and exploit - intentionally or otherwise.

Your efforts have been heroic. But it's time to move on. He won't collapse. He will find another support system, and likely burn them out as well.

There is a threshold where empathy, sympathy, and care giving turns toxic, when it becomes clear that the individual hasn't the capacity or willingness to participate in helping themselves, or expressing any sense of gratitude for the efforts offered by others.

Stop investing yourself in salvaging damaged goods. Salvage yourself instead.