Seperation Anxiety

eyez.burg · 07-12-2008, 08:52 AM

My boyfriend and I are on seperation for a short time. It was one that I didn't chose and was kind of pushed into it.

We went away for the day to spend time together. We held hands, talked, kissed, and all the other emotional stuff. Two days later he comes to my house and says that he's frustrated with me and that he needs to talk. He says that Im not responsible enough and that Im too insecure.

The responsible part is tough because he says that Im not working hard enough toward school. We both have the dream of moving to a different school to work on our master's degrees. I'm working full time and going to night school. He says that I should be doing more research for grants and preperation because it takes lots of time. Some things I can't do because I just can't afford them right now. Some things I can't do because we didn't plan to move until a year or so. I have credit problems because of bad family and he doesn't think that Im taking enough steps to fix them. I'm trying in every way that I can.

As for the insecure part, I agreed that I am insecure. But I've had my share of little red flags that go up. There is a girl that he works with that is very shy and stuff like that. He's the type of person that likes to get people to open up and be more fun. One night coming home from school I was dropping off movies for a friend and saw him and this girl talking outside the place that they were working. I was upset because I tried to call him and he didn't answer, it was only after I pulled into the parking lot did he answer his phone. When I pulled up he introduced me as his girlfriend and I met this girl. I left and he came over and apologized and everything. Things were fine. Then about a week later he asked if she could come over. He ordered pizza and he brought a couple of movies. Him and her sat on one couch and I sat on the other. There were moments in the night that I felt left out....in my own apartment. Then a couple of days later he asked if she could come over and spend the night. I said I was fine with that because at certain hours of the night I don't like anyone driving....especially by themselves. So we played dice, talked, and started watching a movie. I had to be at work by 5 in the morning so we both decided that I would go to sleep at 1. Things were very quiet when we were up watching the movie. Not but 5 min. after I got to my room I heard laughing and talking. After about 30min. I couldn't sleep and just stayed awake. When we were watching the movie, she was on one couch and I was on the other, farthest away from her, and he had his head on my lap. When I went back out there, he flipped around and his head was really close to hers. He came to bed after he knew I was upset and asked me why I was so insecure. I told him that I didn't know why.

I don't know what to do. I live by myself and most of my friends I dont' talk to because either they live too far away or all they do is bring up my other ex. Like I said before, my family and I don't talk, we're all on very bad terms. I'm pretty much by myself. The only two people I have are him and my sister, who is pretty much going through the same thing. I haven't eaten in about a week. I know it's not good and I want to eat...I just can't. He said that no matter what happens he will always love me. He said that I'm the one that he wants to be with but he says he's lost and confused. It's very hard not to text him or call him but I know that I can't and should just give him his space. He also said that he didn't want to seperate and he doesn't want to break up but he needs to figure things out. On the flip side, for the seperation he made me decide whether he was going to be attached or single through this seperation. I told him that I wished that he wouldn't go out with other girls but there was nothing I could do to stop him. He asked what the point of seperation was if I couldn't do anything.

I'm getting mixed signals from him and I don't know what to think. School ends in a couple of weeks and Im going to take on another job until I get financial things situated. He swears up and down that we've had this discussion at least 5 times but I only remember having it once. He said its been building up for awhile. Im hurt because he let me believe everything was ok. I really want this to work because I know it can and things would be wonderful. I'm putting my nose to the grind. I can't see myself with anyone else and it kills me to think of him with anyone else.

What is he really thinking? What should I do? Should I hope for a new beginning or should I accept fate and move on?

My only problem is that I feel that what I have is true love. If this isn't it than I don't know what it really is and I have to just not see anything and not care for a very long time. I thought I had real love before him and that was wrong but this time I know it's real. So please, tell me what can I do?

draconis · 07-13-2008, 01:52 PM

The first issue I see here is the concept of true love. "True love" is between two people and the ability to overcome the odds together. i don't see this as true love. I do see that you are deeply attached to him, however, I don't think he is as dedicated to you as you are to him. He isn't in the same place as you.

Now don't take that as trying to bash you. It is only my opinion, but I hope to add perspective for you.

The second thing that stands out is the "friends" he keeps. Now I see this on two levels. First to say why I find you wrong. He needs and should have friends of his choice even if they are not "friends" with you. He also should be able to have time to himself to hang with his friends even as an individual. I think you did over react when you saw him outside of school talking to the girl that was his friend. He even introduced you as his girlfriend so it wasn't as if he was being two-faced. However, friends can be an issue for a long time relationship. He needs to respect how you feel on a given situation. Further, he should not put himself in a situation where it is easy to cheat, or that the temptation is there.

Often people have different goals. Some of those goals change as we get older. Your goals and views may very well change from him in the end.

As partners you should not just judge a person based on what you like about them but on all of them. I never liked the way my wife kept house. However, I normally do all the cleaning and cooking. This is fine by me. Why, because it is a part of the whole package. Overall, my wife is the best. But let's be real we all have flaws. For my wife's part the sickness and health it was I that was found with MD. Even though I am limited to what I can do now compared to a few years ago my wife stands by me.

I see an issue with this break. He takes the easy way out and runs. True love would work their way through this together as a team. What would happen if you two were married or had children? Would he still want a break? Maybe he isn't good at relationships yet or is still immature.

This reminds me of the whole FRIENDS show. "We were on a break..." Are you sure you are getting back together by a certian time? Are you sure neither of you are going to date? I have to wonder what he wishes to gain by this.

Maybe the break can do you well. You can back off and see your life away from him and see how important he is to you. Mean while you can work on improving yourself.

Best wishes.

draconis

eyez.burg · 07-14-2008, 08:18 AM

Thanks. I trust your opinion very much. I know there are things I need to work on. We have since split since my post. We're hoping to be friends and maybe someday get back together but I'm not sure if it's only my goal. My only option is to do what I can and see where it goes. He says he loves me still and didin't want it to come to this. I respect how I feel and I know I was stupid. You don't realize how important someone is to you until their gone. This is the case with me and how I shouldve tried harder. It's hard to get through the guilt that we may never get back together because of my mistakes. Like I said, I just hope that I can work on myself and get back to where I can make him happy.