Confounded'n'Confused

Hi there. This forum is new to me, but I was looking for somewhere to share my feelings and was encouraged by the tone of the other threads I have read here.

Here's my situation. I am a 29-year-old male and am engaged to a 38-year-old female. We've been dating for three years. Our ages never mattered, but it started to become an issue earlier this year because her clock was ticking and she needed our relationship to move to the next level. I always resisted the jump to marriage. I always said I wasn't ready for kids and marriage, but I also didn't want to lose her. But if I didn't propose I would lose her. I had to s*** or get off the pot, as they say. So I proposed. That's another story, but it wasn't as easy as I would have hoped. I did a lot of soul searching earlier this year when I proposed and I determined that I loved her too much to lose her and that the doubts I was feeling were immature in some way (I know the grass isn't always greener...)

After I proposed and she said yes we had several months of great happiness. We both felt that a decision had been made, we had started down a path together. Our relationship was no longer stagnant. I convinced myself that marriage isn't something to avoid. It's a beginning, not an end.

But my doubts have begun to creep back in. When she wants to talk about planning the wedding I freeze up and I become melancholy. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and she can see my anxiety. I don't know what happens. A pit forms in my stomach, I get quiet. It's gotten much worse this past week (which is why I sought out this forum). She came back from the doctor with a diagnosis of early menopause and was told if she wanted to have kids she should see a specialist. The news hit hard. I love her and was so sad because she's always wanted kids and I'm sure that's very tough news to receive. I was there for her, but that pit began to form in my stomach. She tested the waters with me about having kids sooner than later. She asked me if I still wanted to marry her. I said yes, though I think I was less than convincing. All the doubt has rushed back in and I don't know what to do.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have always had incredible indecisiveness. It's crippling. I went through it earlier this year when I first proposed. The anxiety and indecisiveness are beginning to impact my quality of life. I can't concentrate. And my biggest fear is that she knows what I'm thinking but is afraid to say it. How can a person be happy with someone and be sure about what they want and then swing to the complete opposite side and begin to doubt everything they've felt. Part of me feels that I'm doing this all to please her, not me, which I know is not good. The problem is I don't know what I want out of life. I know I want happiness. I know I want to get married and have kids. Well, this woman loves me and wants the same things. Then why the doubt?? Do I not love her enough? Is it the age? Do I want more time to have life experiences and build a career before marriage and kids? All these things have run through my head. I don't know what to do and would appreciate any advice...

It sure did feel good to get all that out. Sorry the post's so long.

Confounded'n'Confused

65 views and no responses...am I helpless?
To add to my above post, what I want/need to know is whether my momentary periods of marriage doubt come from my gut telling me I'm not ready to get married or if they're caused by minor waves of depression that I occasionally have. I've never been diagnosed with any kind of depression, but I've often felt that I suffer from something. I'm a victim of nasty mood swings and occasional periods of what I would term depression. I lose all motivation. I feel I've wasted my life up till now. I get down on myself about my own character flaws. I doubt everything: what i want in life, what I want in love, etc. I had my blood checked to see if I had a problem with my thyroid -- a problem that runs in my family -- but it came back fine. So when I have these periods of depression/anxiety/doubt I plow ahead, telling myself if I get through this period everything will be good on the other end. And it usually is. Then my fiance and I go through super happy periods until something else triggers a swing downwards...
Should I see a doctor? What methods do people try to ward off periods of depression?
Thanks for any advice...

draconis

See your regular doctor and see if s/he suggests more observation. Chances are it is nothing and you just never made such a commitment before. But I would suggest to always keep the flame alive.

draconis

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swedish

Do you tend to beat yourself up for past mistakes rather than let them go? If you hold back to the point it prevents you from really enjoying life, maybe individual counseling would help you talk through this.

The affects can be as bad as doing the opposite, jumping in without thinking things through. Bottom line is there is always the possibility of regret if you go through with a decision or not...there aren't guarantees either way. It reminds me of the song "Free Will" by Rush .... 'if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice'

The best you can do is really think about what you do know, the facts you have in front of you and really make the best decision for you. If you do it for someone else, it may come back and bite you.

Confounded'n'Confused

I tend to beat myself up over what I see as character flaws -- and in my eyes they are terrible flaws, but maybe they're pretty normal. Those flaws have meant I feel a lot of regret for things in my past.

So true....

I know I need to make the choice that's best for me...but figuring out what's best for me is the hard part. My therapist says I'm too cerebral and the fact that I over analyze every decision and situation cripples me and my ability to make decisions...I basically over analyze myself into a corner, to a point where I no longer know what my gut is telling me, what emotions I'm feeling, which are perceived and which are real.

I began working out again this week after a very long hiatus. It's too early to tell if it's making a difference, but I just need to keep a positive attitude.
Thanks for listening.

swedish

I have a very similar personality and I think my husband even moreso...working out does help us both, I hope you see results from that.

If you are used to taking a long time to make major decisions, the news about having kids sooner than later is probably just clashing with your normal way of going through life, taking your time. The one thing I would put some serious thought to is your wondering about needing to experience other things in life before marriage. If there are things that you cannot do once married, you may resent her later if you feel you missed out.

java

I just have to say that if you get married to appease her appetitie to have children NOW...there still is no guarantee she will get pregnant. There are great lengths that some couples go through to conceive when they have fertility issues. Are you ready for that? in vitro for example.

Don't do something that is a huge committent like that if you are being pressured and not ready. You can't turn back after it's done. It will hurt her more in the long run to divorce her when you married her for the wrong reasons. If a child is involved then it might hurt the child too. If you live a lie of loving her and bringing a child in the world you will be miserable and she will detect it and a child will too. If you truly love her and are ready to make a committment, being nervous is understandable....having huge doubts is a big red flag.

I feel for you. Break yourself away from the situation and do some soul searching. Deep in your heart you know what you want. If you want her...but aren't ready for marriage/kids...you need to be honest with her. If you lose her b/c she is not understanding to the fact YOU aren't ready...then what does that say about her? If you are making a huge sacrifice for her shouldn't she make one for you?

Confounded'n'Confused

Hi. I haven't checked back here for several weeks, but I appreciate your comments, Java. They are exactly what have been going through my head. My fiance and I separated last week. It was obvious we were having problems and she took a trip out west for a week, during which time we didn't communicate. When she got home we both knew it was time for a serious talk about our relationship. During the week apart I did a lot of soul searching -- more than I feel I've done in years. I participated in a sweat lodge, got introduced to David Deida, whose books and lectures I've been enjoying immensely. I told her I didn't feel ready for marriage and kids and that I felt like I needed to take time to work on myself. We decided it would be best that I move out. It's been incredibly sad, but despite my chronic indecisiveness I think we made the right decision. It would have been much worse to go through with our marriage with the doubts I had and discover later I needed to leave.

I'm focusing on myself now. During my week of soul searching I touched some things I've never felt before and I want to explore that further. I just signed up for a 10-day vipassana meditation retreat and had an initial consultation with a life coach. I still don't think it's hit me that my relationship with her is over. We talked about maybe taking a break, maybe dating after some time apart, but I think we were just grasping at hope. I don't know. We'll see. The whole process has been extremely amicable. We both still love each other and want each other to be happy, but realize that we're in different places right now with different priorities. I wish I was 10 years older and ready to settle down because she is an amazing woman.

Blanca

i think its a really good thing that you two separated. she's looking for something really serious, and it sounds like you are not ready for that yet.

that meditation retreat sounds great! my sister and i are planning on going to one, too. i meditate on my own and it is really helpful.

I wish you luck. you sound like a really sincere and honest person. im sure you will meet someone else that you love even more.

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Confounded'n'Confused

It's been an incredibly hard month. At first, I was pretty confident that separating was the right decision. But it's been a constant battle to retain that confidence. I often am questioning my feelings, questioning why I felt the need to break off my engagement. Actually, reading my initial posts in this thread have helped me get back to where I was, what I was thinking, and why separating was the right decision.

I leave on Wednesday for my 10-day meditation retreat. I can't wait! I can't imagine that meditating for 10 hours a day, for 10 days, won't give me a better sense of what path i want to follow. I've been feeling very lost for a while now and really feel I need to find my life's purpose or mission.

Thank you very much for your kind words, Blanca. I hope there is more love in store for me.

Blanca

I think the lost feeling comes from so much external evaluation. Looking outward for purpose gives one the sense of always reaching, and not really even knowing what one is reaching for. Mediation brings everything inward. It teaches one that purpose is already there, you just have to calm down long enough to feel it.

There is a passage in the bible where moses asks God, "Who are you?" Now in biblical hebrew to ask 'who are you' is not simply asking for ones name, its asking for ones purpose. Biblical names have a purpose, an essence to their existence, a clue to their destiny, or path. His inquiry was an action/verb oriented question. He wanted to know God's purpose (the enigma of life no?). However, God answers, "I am that I am." Just beautiful. 'The Great I am.' There's no action involved in that statement. He just Is. Its a statement of being, not of becoming.

I think mediation is the essence of this conversation.

anyway, its late so im rambling. Just hang in there. Everything works out in the end.

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Infinity

Hey there,

So I created an account just so I could respond to this thread! You're honesty is refreshing and I believe that everything you've said takes a hell of a lot of courage to speak aloud BEFORE marriage!

I may be posting this far too late, but I believe that you should NOT go forward with this marriage and furthermore DO NOT hold on to her b/c you are doing her a grave injustice.

Loving her is not enough.

You must WANT with pure confidence, fortitude and desire to marry her, have children with her and spend a lifetime with her. That comes first, way before biological time clocks and career choices etc. Think of it this way... are you putting her needs above yours AND feeling 100%confident with doing so? Because you NEED to be at a 100%, period! That's true and real and honest living! Are you really cherishing her when you are lying to yourself about how you feel? Is she doing the same in return? Because my feeling is that she senses your hesitation and yet, she does not resist staying with you, (and as harsh as this sounds) staying with a man who really does not want to marry her is settling and it is NOT demanding 100% of herself and you.

There are some unspoken feelings and words here that are begging to be spoken aloud! So do it and do the right thing and let her go because by the sounds of it, you're the stronger of the two her... the one with the courage to do the right thing. If it's left to her, she'll settle for less, you'll go forward with it and it'll be a lifetime of regret. And we both know that what you are offering is not enough.

I hope I wasn't too harsh, but at the very least consider this perspective!

All the best to you!

preso