Anxiety, Depression and RelationshipsMarriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with anxiety and depression can make them even more challenging.
It has been 7 weeks since my wife of 14+ yrs has told me that she needed to 'find herself' and that our marriage was in trouble. Through a few discussions, I have found out that she loves me...but has not been in love with me for well over a year. She does not desire me anymore. Beginning of February was when the affection faucet turned off. 1 kiss in the morning, 1 kiss at night before bed. 2 I Love you's.....1 with each and that is it.
Our relationship for the past 14 years has been affectionate, caring, loving and intimate on a steady basis. Appx 2-3X per week. Even after the February discussion....intimacy was regular for the most part but I could feel the disconnection. About 4 weeks ago I was unable to control my emotions and did not see her making any effort to work her way out of her 'find herself' mode so I went to the pcp, got on some meds for depression and anxiety that I was having (before Feb, never on any meds). I have attended 6 individual therapy sessions to date....her first one was today.
Last night, I just broke down. Came to bed, prayed for about 15 mins and (not a manly thing but) cried. She awoke, we talked, she is not willing at this point in time to commit to fixing our relationship. She feels she needs to fix herself first before working on our marriage. I understand that.....that is why Im in individual therapy now....to get my thoughts, feelings, emotions under control having to deal with this period of being on HOLD.
During one of our conversations she felt that I would not be able to give her the space that she needed and felt that a trial separation would be needed for her to do this. I asked her not to leave the house...and to date, she has not but Im in so much pain right now feeling that I have already lost my wife that anything I say right now to her is not helping her. I can't stand to think that my kids might be watched/raised by a man other than myself. I can't stand to think that I may lose my best friend.
She did state that she was angry with me for not allowing her to speak her mind in the past. She felt she did not have a voice. She never communicated this to me and it has now driven a wedge in our marriage that in my eyes....does not look like she wants to fix.
She is a successful executive in the hotel industry. Im a successful middle manager in the healthcare industry....we both have busy schedules and my job is more flexible than hers. My post name may be a bit of an overstatement but I can handle any issues around the house and with the kids that may come up and I don't think twice about doing them.
Im in a great deal of pain, very sad, working to improve myself so that I can handle what her ultimate decision will be but TIME is killing me. Does anyone have any advice that could help me deal with the emotions of a one sided marriage ? Im totally committed to my wife...I love her and Im in love with her. Wish I could say the same for her. Thank you for your thoughts.
time im afraid is one of the most important aspects here.
im afraid im sounding like your wife.
i want to be independent again from the relationship. not feel tied to asking permission etc.
fed up of asking for things and issues unresolved.
i can promise you, if my H had dealt with issues on a head on confrontational way. i doubt very much id b feeling the way i am.
if my H actually listened to the 3 things i want most in our relationship, again i doubt i would be feeling this way.
trouble is now i told him i dont want to be with him and hes not taking it to well.
in our relationship , we have been here several times.
all i want is space and time to myself without the need to ask permission to do stuff in my life.
Thank you for your response Justean. Would you be able to find your independance (your individual self) without leaving your husband ? I have found that my love style is that of a pleaser....my wife is an avoider. It's like a chase scene. Pleaser approaches for reassurance, Avoider backs away and doesn't want to feel like that should be given. So my changes that I have made is to take the good aspects of being a pleaser and remove the bad. I have given space, my wife tells me she would like to make plans with a gfriend on Friday....Im cool with that. I will take care of the kids that night. She feels guilty if I don't respond with 'that is a great idea, you should do that more often'. Instead, she reads into it that i have a problem with her spending time with her friends. Not true...but i can't change the way she feels. I appreciate your advice....and I know that time is what I need to give her....I just need to constantly keep reminding myself.
well i havent asked my H to leave, but i would like it . i just want to be left alone. i dont want sex with him and i love sex. i dont want him to touch me. basically just dont hassle me.
we have split on several occasions over the yrs for diff reasons.
i stopped loving him in oct 08 and kinda refound the love in jan 09.
now im just P***ed that issues from a yr ago seem to continue to be unresolved.
im just a really busy/ independant kinda gal. the fact i also like myself to live with myself plays a huge role.
im confident and without sounding to up my backside - im attractive and i get looks from others.my personality is pretty much a nutta in a good way. i love life and im not being stopped from enjoying life.
i just feel dragged down by a H that doesnt really change in the end.
im not saying he isnt better, he is. but things that are personal to me are left. but to me, life is about having a little of everything , not alot of one thing.
Your insight has a familiar tone to it on my end. My W just wants to be left alone....is OK with an occasional hug to let her know that she is not alone but has lost the desire to want me. She and I seem to be carrying out the intimate act so we can both upkeep the physical well being and we both love sex. I love the intimacy with her and I feel that she loves just the feeling of the O and then just finds the quickest way to finish. I think she holds me accountable for limiting her social life, which if she communicated that this was important to her to maintain, we may not be in this situation now. I thought all was what she wanted. I admit that I dedicated myself to our young family and wanted to spend as much time with both of our young kids and the W as I could. This in turn has had it's current negative impact for which I can not go back and change. I can only support her needs that she has communicated but IMO, it's too late to make up for any misgivings in the past without having her recommit to our marriage with different understandings.
What are you doing to assist in resolving the issues that continue to be unresolved ? Im kind of a case study in progress as I am changing the way I love to include less affection and more understanding and listening. While it may be too late for this relationship to repair, I must prepare well for my next potential relationship so the same mistakes are not made.
Im sorry that you husband has not been able to adjust to your personality, independence and self sufficiency. I agree that a full life should not be dedicated to an isolated few. It's not healthy for any relationship. I know that now, but was unaware until my risk of loss was at such a high level. Now....there is just sadness, anxiety and the calendar clicking off the days until I receive the decision of my W.
wow, it is amazing how many of these posts have a ring of similarity. I know how you feel. my H has all but given up on our marriage. says i was cold, neglectful & sex was too infrequent. 4 yrs ago he had an affair..made it difficult to raise my libido. he wanted desperately to save our marriage then, as did I.
needless to say sex life improved temporarily. i am sure this was my desperate attempt to fix me, but soon dropped off again. end of January '09 he told me he didn't want to do this anymore. he was 42, unhappy and loved me but not in love. he gave me 4yrs of chances to no avail.
now i making all these changes (following Mort's advice) and he is resistant to the talk & touch charges. thinks my changes & increasd drive are just desperate attempts & not genuine. he does not reciprocate affection.
your right, it hurts like nothing else i have ever felt. i sometimes think, this must be what it felt like to be him for those 4 yrs. while we would have sex a couple of times a month or so, i was reistant to his affection for fear of the expectation of sex. if i could turn back time i would. while neither of us is perfect, he is the best man i have been with. he is a good father, great husband. i am like you in that the time factor is hard but clearly what they need. i continually try to show him i still love & care for him. hopefully if enough time passes he will realize that my changes are genuine & not desperate attempts...maybe then he will give us another try.
i struggle daily with pain of losing him & all the what if's & wishing i had done more sooner.
if she is worth fighting for..keep up the good fight. Mort says try for at least a year before throwing in the towel. ONE YEAR...right now that seems like forever!!!!!!
Thank you very much for your perspective and support picabu. One year ? OMG.....I think I may need to space out my therapy sessions a little more. lol.
Im not happy that you are in the same situation that I am right now but I am comforted that Im not alone and there are avenues of support available. My W is well worth fighting for...... I just hope that she is able to find her way to see that I am worth fighting for too.
Your post means a lot to me and I wish you the best with your relationship. Take it day by day. GL to you as well !!
trust me one yr goes by very quickly. its nearly a yr since my H had his one night stand.
but in that one yr. the ups and downs have just taken its toll.
i have only been dealing with my reality since end of January and it feels like it has been an eternity already. not moving fast enough for me. but as Mort says, "slow is fast and fast is slow".
your emotions are stil very fresh im afraid, as its since the end of jan. yeh i know about the eternity. but trust me you wil be looking back a yr from now, with new mixed emotions.
Need some thoughts on this one...........last Thursday was my birthday. Both kids made cards which were the best....I love you Daddy...have the greatest bday ever !! My wife got me an inspirational card......Here is what it said. "I believe in you - in the things that are important to you and in the way you choose to live your life. I believe that you can accomplish anything you set out to do, that you have many talents and the wisdon to use them well....I believe that you will have what it takes to overcome obstacles and grow from every experience life brings your way... I believe in your courage, your compassion, your integrity and your strength. I believe in your goodness...I believe in you. She signed it Happy Birthday. I Love you then her name.
We have always given each other cards from the heart. I was taken a little aback by this card and have read it many times. I know she didn't want to get me a funny card which she felt would offend me. She didn't want to get a serious, sappy card because she felt that would not be appropriate.
After promising to make a cake...or at least cupcakes because she forgot to pick something up at the store. It's 5 days later and her birthday is coming up in about 10 days. I have picked up her cake mix already and have not said a single word about a cake/cupcakes. I just feel like Im an afterthought at this point.
Another thing I don't get is that she will say "I love you" and I know she means it. We were intimate on Saturday but her affections are nearly non existant otherwise. Intimacy was prompted at my request.....and has been since this began about 8 weeks ago now. Does this sound like a woman that is just biding her time trying to figure out what she wants to do OR does it sound like Im an knucklehead for thinking that she will come around ? In one of our discussions, late at night. I did tell her that if Im at fault for anything, it was for loving her too much. I SO don't want to lose her.....but I feel that the only way for her to come back to me is if I let her go. This is going to screw up my heart. My head is already screwed up with all of the what if's. Any thoughts or words of advice ?
I don't think you're a knucklehead at all.....but I think that whatever your wife is trying to work through, it will take time. I happen to believe that "trial separations" are not much good in the way of bringing people together, but actually just the opposite, and I think you did the right thing in asking her to stay in the home. How can two people work on a relationship if they don't see each other?
Having said that, I would also suggest you do try and "let her go" a little....by which I mean continue to be loving and supportive, but perhaps not quite so needy.
Some people can feel smothered by their spouse's affection. It's amazing to me, but I have seen this situation firsthand with my mother and her husband. He dotes on her, does everything for her, adores her.....something you would think most women would give their eye teeth for! Yet my mother feels "smothered" by this. Go figure....we are all different.
You sound a lot like my mom's husband, and your wife is lucky to have you. Be patient......I know that's easy to say and hard to do. Hang in there, and best of luck.
What is striking about your story is it is familiar, but so new. I mean, the big trouble hasn't even started. I can't even count how many times I struggle with explaining myself to my husband, and he is still clueless. I lost my identity years ago with the birth of my kids, and still haven't found myself. A woman often has moods, and identity issues. I don't even see a problem, other than she can't find the space or time to find herself. Instead, you appear to be cycling in your own depression and not working with her. Just listening and being supportive is the number one thing I ask of my husband, and he fails almost every time.
Need a female point of view
