I need to work on myself...

mywifeismylife · 04-15-2009, 11:02 AM

Hi Everyone,
I live with (self-diagnosed) depression, and ADHD. (I fit many of the DSM traits of someone living with depression and ADHD.) I survived a verbally/physically violent childhood, and I am scarred by the ordeal. I feared for my life and my sibling's, too, as we were growing up. Nevertheless, I put myself through school I am thankful to make it this far. I've been fighting depression all my life and have never sought professional help, because I feared retaliation from my parents. I am able to suppress it 99.9% of the days and I don't want to rely on medications because I want permanent, positive change. I also realize that I probably inherited a lot of my parents' poor traits and because I am aware of that I have sworn to not repeat them. I mean to live well.

In January of this year, I married the woman of my dreams. She is sweet, warm, kind, loving... she would do everything for me, and I would do the same for her. She is everything I've ever wanted in another soul. We are best friends. We also have excellent communication and we are honest with one another.

Three nights ago, I went into a deep depression (as I worried about upcoming exams... Biochem and Physics...) and the next day I lashed out at my wife. I said things that would end friendships, not to mention marriages. I have a very strong personality and I feel the need to ALWAYS have the last word. It's under control 99% of the time, but it's when I'm caught up in the heat of the argument when I begin to lose my composure. I'm finishing off my undergrad and I apply for professional school in the next couple of months, so I really need to get my act together. There's so much going on. If I can keep out of the depression, I can keep out of the other stuff, because it's what sometimes follows the depression. I don't have any habits like drinking, or smoking, or anything like that. I try to maintain a healthy lifestyle of eating right and exercise to maintain my mental balance.

As far as venting to my friends, it's difficult, because they can not relate with everything I'm going through. We are all in different parts of life, and I find it difficult to maintain good contact, given my busy schedule.

I'm looking for advice at this site, or maybe a support group so that I can get into the groove of things. I need to find my piece of mind again. It's been a stressful few months as I right now I'm the only one working (tough times, wife lost her job) and on top of (full-time) school, I also do research. (My God, I feel overwhelmed.) I know it needs to be done, because there is no other way. I need to know how to take it all on.

Thank you in advance for your advice.

KMDillon · 04-15-2009, 09:51 PM

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I can't imagine how you must feel. The only way to overcome such deep set pains from your childhood is to seek professional help. Even then it's going to be a struggle but it's your only hope. "Suppressing" feelings does not work. If money is an issue go to the psychology dept at your college. Nearly every college offers very inexpensive counseling. As for fear of "retaliation" just don't tell your parents. It's too bad they've scared you out of seeking help but you're the man of your house now and you owe it to your wonderful wife to get this under control.

swimmin · 10-06-2009, 04:06 PM

wow

you need to go talk to your wife and tell her what you just said here. just tell her how much you love her and how sorry you are and that you were very wrong and being a jerk. talking to women nicely and actually sharing your feelings is what women want and need. you will feel better and so will she. i bet she will love you even more.

swimmin · 10-06-2009, 04:25 PM

i understand how stressful college is...it really makes one go crazy at times. i used to sit at my computer and cry because i was scared i was going to fail a test and fail out of school and have to start paying on school loans that i wasnt ready to afford without a degree. yeah i had to withdraw from chemistry...lots of credits. I also had calculus the same semester and had to withdraw from that too. 2 really hard classes in one semester =meltdown sometimes.
i hope your wife is supportive about your school. my boyfriend just told me that i wasnt going to fail when he had no idea how hard it was and told me to quit crying and complaining. then when his family found out i had to withdraw at an easter dinner they just told me "why would you want to go back and retake something that you failed if you couldnt do it the first time"
i try really hard in school and i like school...it is just the financial ramifications that loom over your head on a rotten string and fall down to crush you if you cant get something immediately that is what made me nuttso.

Blanca · 10-07-2009, 01:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swimmin

my boyfriend just told me that i wasnt going to fail when he had no idea how hard it was and told me to quit crying and complaining. then when his family found out i had to withdraw at an easter dinner they just told me "why would you want to go back and retake something that you failed if you couldnt do it the first time"

nice. did you ask them how well that theory would have played out in their lives?? what a dumb thing to say.

i heard some where that one should share only the positive things with others- including your spouse. ive tried it myself and it works well. i only tell my H about the tests i get really good grades on and i keep the ones i dont to myself. i also dont really talk about my grades much at all, i generally talk about my interests in the subject. It really decreases the stress of it all. you only get back the positive that you throw out, but if you put out the negative things then you get that back which makes it even more stressful.

and i only talk about the stresses of school with my classmates. they understand and will empathize. i might briefly mention it so my H, but he's at a different point in his life so he cant empathize that much.

lisakifttherapy · 10-08-2009, 03:55 PM

You said you've never sought professional help for this - I'm wondering if this is something you're open to at all. ADHD and depression can be pretty tough to deal with on your own.

Now that you're married - you have another person to consider here as well. Untreated ADHD can be really rough on relationships and there are tools you can learn to help manage it - as well as there are medications that help a lot with the distractability, impulsivity and moodiness (which can be tough on your partner).

I've run across a few good sites on this topic lately (while doing research for a client)...they are:

www.additudemag.com

www.adhdmarriage.com

Depression can also can do a number on the individual and their relationship. It also sounds like you have some family of origin issues that haven't been worked through. It might be really helpful for you to get through some of that "junk" as well.

Good luck!