paspuggie48

My wife and are met on the internet and the first time we met she became pregnant. She is from New York and I’m from England. We had a long distance relationship while she was pregnant as I had to work and save for the impending child. I then gave up my good, well paid, responsible job and left my family and friends in England to move over to America.
We had our lovely Olivia and got married in New York and everything was fine until the week after our marriage our daughter passed away from S.I.D.S. To say it was a shock was an understatement, it has been sheer hell since.
My wife’s father left her when she was 2 years old, she still has not got over it.
My wife divorced a verbally and sometimes physically demanding husband, then met a nice guy Tom, whom she had a child to, Thomas. They drifted apart and divorced 2 years ago. Since then her ex has been awful to her, he wouldn’t even let her use his bathroom (when she went to drop her son off) and she was 8 months pregnant.
Since Olivia passed way we always said that when she was well enough we would try for a family again.

All the money I saved and put in our joint account was spent because she was depressed and it made her feel good…I couldn’t stop her spending. To the point the only job I could get was back in England. So we moved to England but all she does is spend her time on the phone/internet to America. We arrange that she goes back every 4-6 weeks and stays for 2 weeks.

Her OBGYN said she should wait until January 2009. But since then she has become obsessed with having another baby, with no thought for anything else. So we tried and in March she became pregnant again, however she was off the depression pills, she did nothing , didn't move, stayed in bed all day and this went on for 11 weeks...she then had a miscarriage and when we were in the hospital I told her she (or we) should just have our time to ourselves for a few months then start planning. The midwife said don't have sex for the first 2-3 weeks and then if she wanted to get pregnant that she should wait a month after the first period (which was due about 4 weeks after the miscarriage).

We argued like cats and dogs, she has hit me, thrown things at me, bitten me, you name it..she has stormed out of the house threatening to have sex with other guys, to the point I took my wedding ring off… I get up at 6am every day, go to work to support and provide for her like a husband should do. Then I come home and no housework is done, the dog never gets walked, I’m still waiting for bread or milk because she can’t walk to the store 5 minutes away. So I think how can she handle the stresses and strains of a bay when she can’t even do simple things around the house? I want her to be mentally and physically right before we plan on trying for another baby.

So, 3 days after leaving the hospital she was blaming me for not having sex, to which I pointed out to her what the midwife said, it mattered not one iota...it mattered not that since we met she had basically been pregnant, had a ceasarian, lost a baby, got pregnant again, had a miscarriage and had been told by the experts to leave it for a while. A few days later she was moaning we weren’t having sex, again I tried to explain how the midwife told us we were to wait. Then when we did have sex, we had a break for a few days and she moaned again that I wasn't intimate enough…we argued again, I pointed out basically she had been pregnant since we met and that we should have OUR time...if we go out and she gets drunk I have to suffer, but hey I want her to enjoy her life...but when I get drunk I get accused of being an alcoholic and how it would effect my sperm etc...so the first period ended on Saturday (remember what the midwife said)...we had sex the last 2 nights and because I have no condoms I have pulled out…and I so wondered why she was snappy with me, that's when she said she had to think long and hard about staying in America...

I've got home tonight and low and behold, just because I said it won't be for a few months before we should have a child she has gone nuts..she wants a child TODAY ! there is no discussing it, no chance of her being mentally and physically right before she contemplates it, she just wants a baby and if she doesn't get it then she said she has nothing here at all and would move back to America...so there you go, my wife has no concern for our marriage first and what WE should be doing.

I told her not to use me as a baby machine, we should have our time then maybe once she's had some therapy (to get over her depression, which she admits she has) we should think about a family in Autumn (which she had agreed to only last week) when she is mentally and physically right...Right now, she'll be on the phone now telling her mum and cousin what a b*stard I am, that I don't want kids at all, how it's all my fault…I mean come on, it's only a few days after her period and she's already obsessing about pregancy, the midwife said wait 3-4weeks at least..

I daren’t even go into the amount of chats she has with her ex, even when we’re in bed together and no matter how many times I tell her it is not nice she moans at me saying I’m being unfair.

I dunno, maybe I'm wrong, who knows, she has her side of the story to tell but she never listens to any advice anyone gives her, she is just fixated on being pregnant and will not talk to me about it...She has already talked to her family AND her ex about moving back and how she could get a job there…

I need some advice here, even if I’m the bad guy..

Sufficiently Breathless

I would highly suggest.. do NOT have a baby right now! You don't need to bring a child into this. And even if you have a happy healthy baby, it doesn't mean your wife will be happy and healthy after.

She is suffering from a serious depression and at least needs couseling to figure out how to fix herself, make herself better. She is in no way going to be a good mother to a baby unless she is 100 percent mentally healthy.

I started suffering from depression 5 years ago.. my H and I got pregnant (surprise!!) and I thought maybe having a baby would make me feel better... wrong.. I then added to my heap of stress and depression.. making me so much worse. I am currently in therapy, and on AD's, which help LOADS.. and I can be the mother I want to be, and my kids deserve.

Help her to understand that having a baby is not the choice right now, she needs to be at her best to be the mother her baby deserves. Make sure you tell her how much you love her, and how much you would love to have babies with her, but tell her she needs help, and until she can fix herself, and you guys can fix your marriage bringing a baby into it isn't a choice.

I also suggest therapy for yourself and marriage counseling. It can help having someone there to listen to both sides of the story.

I hope things work out for you.
SB

paspuggie48

Thank you SB, that was great of you to say and you have mirrored my thoughts. My wife has managed to start going to a bereavement group (unfortunately I can't quite make it because of work, but I will). She visits NYC for 2 weeks to see her son from the previous marriage and hopefully that will give her some time to think about what's important. I tell her i love her everyday but she is still fixated however and no matter how many people tell her exactly what we have said here she still obsesses with it.

I think the marriage counselling would be good too, because we live in England she thinks it's fine to call America 2-3 hours a day, every day...when in effect it isn't as I am at work from 6am every morning and the housework needs doing and there are errands to do, the dog to walk...all this takes a back seat because she prefers to be on the phone/net all day rather than doing her fair share in the relationship.

Hopefully she will start to think right and start to have some fun in her/our lives before we start to have another baby.

Thanks

Paul

Sensitive

Women with a history of depression have a higher tendency for postpartum depression. She has enough stressors in her life (divorce, lost babies, living in new country, etc.) to last indefinitely. I am actually surprised why she would agree to move overseas when she already has a child in America. Did she lose custody in the divorce? In addiction to therapy for her, marriage therapy for you both, I also recommend a support group for parents with lost children, whether from SIDS or miscarriage. I can't imagine the emotional pain, and you guys went through the grieving twice. Good luck.

paspuggie48

Thank you Sensitive...in response to your question about her moving here, yes she lost custody of her child, and because money was low and because I could only get a job in England we had to move here. When she lived in New York she only got to see her son once every 2 weeks, now we live in England (and we can afford to send her back every so often) she gets to see him twice in every 4 weeks. i.e. she will see him two weekends on the trot. She recently had 5 weeks there, so saw him a lot, then she decided to have a break here for 8 weeks and is now there again for up to 3 months where she has got a month with him full time, which has never happened since her and her ex split.
Her son was coming here to stay for summer but unfortunately my wife spent all the savings...again, another problem, she has a fixation with spending money. She has no reality of life and that money does nto grow on trees.
The problem here is my wife has been very selfish with her grieving, I have not been a part of it at all. In fact I've been on my own in that instance. WhenI was in America for 7 months and it all happened I had no friends, no family, no one. All I get now is "I lost a daughter, I am depressed" and no matter how many times I try to tell her it's both of us who suffer everything evolves around my wife. And why not, in truth, I mean it is much harder for a woman to handle. But the contradiction is she says she can have a child but how can you when you are depressed? I mean a child will not solve the problem? All I've done is go out to work and provide and support.

Before she left to go back to New York she eventually went to a bereavement group after 5 times of arranging. I think she got something out of it but all she wants to hear is what she wants to hear and that is that it is OK for her to have another child, she is fixated by it and won't listen to any advice contrary to this belief.

Now my wife is in America she doesn't ring England (not even me), but when she is in England she rings America daily (her ex, her mother, her cousin, her friends)...all I ask is she gets busy, does the necessary basic housework, do the errands, walk the dog, go to the gym, go to the groups, go to therapy, go to college..just to keep her busy and to keep her off the phone and not all the time up in the bedroom lounging around.

I've asked her for 10 months now, to take it steady, bit by bit...but she'll get so far then it's two steps back and she's into ringing America for 3 hours a day...why can't she have a life here for just those few weeks she is with me (her husband)? Why do her family and friends expect her to be at the end of the phone, do they not realise she is married and has a life here for just those few weeks? I mean it's not like she's emigrated. I tell ya, some of the things they ring for in an "emergency"...like a) a cousin told her to ring, it was a emergency...all she'd done was get scratched by a cat...b) her mom rang and rang and left messages galore "please call it's an emergency"...all it was was a qutoe from a real estate guy saying her house was valued lower than it should be...are these emergencies? Where my wife has to constantly ring them for hours and hours, while at the same time the dog is not being walked, the housework isn't getting done, the milk and bread hasn't been fetched from the store which is a 5 minute walk away?

I'm sorry but I just feel my wife really cannot dissect herself from her family and friends just for a few weeks and concentrate on her marriage, she would refer to talk to them than her own husband.

And another thing is I find it very disrespectful how she can have a half hour+ conversation with her ex husband very frequently on the phone while she is with me at home, especially if it is late and we are in bed. If she loved me enough she wouldn't do that. I wouldn't dare ring an ex in front of her. And I know they have a history and have a son and I've never stopped her discussing things about her son but when it's trivial chat lasting that long I find it very hurtful and no matter how many times I've mentioned how I don't like it she continues to do it and she even wrote him a note once telling him how she apologized for my behaviour...what is that about? I simply asked that she refrain from long chats while I'm at home. Then she makes out I'm the problem...hell, I get up at 6am every mornign, have to go to work and then pay for her manicures/pedicures/hair/magazines, you name it I have to pay for it and all I ask is that she have a little respect for me and not talk to her ex for hours and end...is that too much to ask for?

It's like all the unreliable family/friends/ex are more imoprtant than her own husband.

Sorry for the rant

Paul