how do i forget?

jenn123 · 06-12-2009, 10:37 PM

Towards the end of last year my husband and I went through a very tough time. I copied and pasted my original post from back then so you know what happened. It'll be at the end of this post.

It's been about 8 months since all of this happened. We separated for a while and eventually reconciled. It was rough at first but we made it through and things are great between us now. We are now very happy and we are there for each other all the time. As a couple things really couldn't be much better.

My problem is that whenever he isn't around I find that the memories of everything that happened always pop into my head. I don't purposely think about it...it's the last thing I want to think about. Things just remind me about it and then I can't help it. I depresses me and pretty much ruins my day. I feel like I just can't let it go...I've forgiven him but whenever I feel like this it makes me feel like I'm starting all over again.

I know I should probably see a counselor but I can't afford it right now. I haven't talked about this with my husband yet because I don't want to think about it when he's there. For whatever reason, these memories don't appear when he's with me. Should I talk about it with him? I need to talk to someone...maybe that's the key to letting it all go once and for all.

((My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. We've been married for about a year and a half. He has recently started working with a new colleague who is a woman. This has never been a problem in the past but something about his relationship with her was bothering me. They exchanged phone numbers fairly soon after she started working there and were texting each other all the time. He would come home from work (after being with her all day) and text her throughout the evening. I thought this was a little odd and I was beginning to feel neglected. I mentioned it to him but he didn't stop. After a couple weeks he started behaving strange...telling me his boss was constantly changing his schedule and making plans and then changing them suddenly. Finally one day he told me he was going straight to a friend's house after work and that he'd call me when he was leaving work. I was looking forward to the call so when it didn't come I called him. He said that he was stopping to get gas and that he had to go. I didn't think anything of this until I got onto our bank's website to pay some bills and checked the status of our checking account. I noticed that he deposited his paycheck at a bank in a strange town that I didn't recognize. I thought this was odd and checked a map to see where it is and saw that it was in the opposite direction than he should've been heading....and he had not gotten gas. I called him...really suspicious now...and asked him where he was. He stuck to his original story until he finally broke and told me the truth. The truth was that he was out with her...going to see a movie and he said that he lied to me because he thought I'd get upset if he wanted to hang out with her...I wouldn't have if he had come right out with it though.
Anyway...now that we've gotten a chance to talk about everything he's told me that he has feelings for her. He says he doesn't love her but he thinks that maybe he could. He said it's mostly an emotional connection and very little physical. He says that he did not act on any of these feelings and I believe him. I truly believe he is telling me the truth. He feels like we have been growing apart and that he hasn't been happy with the way our relationship has been for quite some time now. I told him I want to work on it...I want to save our marriage because I love him and I want this to work. He said that half of him wants to work on our relationship and the other half wants to see what he could have with his colleague))

JDPreacher · 06-13-2009, 04:36 AM

Sadly you will probably never forget...there will always be triggers and memories...the only positive thing is, they will fade to some degree over time.

If you haven't forgiven him, then that's a place to start...and find out what emotional connection he was missing. It's unusual but not unlikely for a guy to have an affair for emotional reasons, it's usually about the sex.

Talk to him, let him know how you're feeling...give him the chance to set your mind at ease and make you feel like you're the center of his world. That's something he should be doing anyway but now, with you feeling like you do, he needs to do even more.

If you find you really are struggling to cope with this...there are mental health programs that are income based and can be found in the phone book or if you have a family doctor, call them and ask who they would recommend.

Blessed Be,
Preacher

lisakifttherapy · 06-15-2009, 09:16 PM

You don't forget but over the time the wounds can feel less painful. If things are going well with you two - that's great. I would assume he'd be willing and interested in helping you to continue to heal. If so, tell him when you're having a hard time. Share your feeling with him. It's normal for there to be ups and downs in the aftermath of betrayal like this.

Bottom line: It takes work but if you both love each other and are committed to getting past this - it can be done! You might see if you can find low fee counseling agencies in your area to see somebody as a couple.