Nobody123

My husband and I have been married for 28 years and we used to be the best of friends. Things were fun but changed after we had 2 kids . Both of us have a full time job and I feel like it is always just me who is trying to raise the family. He helps out some but very rare. I remember those were the days after a full day’s work, I had to come home to cook, take the kids to their activities, look over their homework and after they went to bed, I had to clean up the dishes. I used to be so tired; my back hurts and my shoulder aches. When I am doing the family chores, my husband is usually watching TVs.

Now the kids are grown. Things in the house don’t change but I am less busy. My husband and I get along great in the fun department. We have good times going out to restaurants, vacation, movies and plays. He is a great companion. He doesn’t mind accompanying me to the malls and loves to buy me expensive jewelries. However, he is not there for me when there is real hard work. He also loves fast cars and he has accumulated 4 of them and they are all two-seaters. I drove a mini-van which was our only family car. It has been upsetting that every time he buys a new car, he promises that he’ll get rid of the others but he just never did. We argued a lot and somehow, he compares his cars to my jewelries, claiming that I don’t love him as much as he loves me since he gets me everything while I am trying to restrain him to buy what he wants.

Finally my beat up van is getting old and it is time for a new car. We at first agreed to consolidate the five cars into three: a SUV, a sedan and retain one of the two-seaters. Then we saw a small 4 seater luxury sports car with a huge discount; I was very hesitated at first because of the limited cargo space and rear seat leg room. He assured me that it shouldn’t be a problem since he’ll just get a bigger sedan later on. I took his words and now just 2 months later, he wants a Porsche Cayman while still keeping all his cars. I don’t think we are financially capable for the Cayman. When I confronted him, he said since I changed my mind from the SUV to the little sports car so now he is entitled to change his mind from the sedan to the Cayman. I just couldn’t believe his twisted logic. We got into another huge fight and I’m so fed up. He lives like he is single and has always puts his interest before me or the family. We haven’t talked for over a week and somehow he is now blaming me. I’m thinking since we are not in the same wavelength, it might be better for me to move out and move on. I am extremely depressed and I feel like wasting a whole life for nothing. He is never going to change. I never care much for his cars or his jewelries; all I want is some compassion, caring, gentleness and help from time to time.

Sandy55

Am sorry you are having such a downer of a time. Hug.

Does your dh realize this has you SO down that you are contemplating sacking 28 years of marriage?

How old were you when you married dh?

Nobody123

I really appreciated the hug. I need it just to get through another day. I got married at 21 right after I graduated from college. I met my husband there; he was a senior while I was a freshman. He was handsome and smart so I used to just follow him around and listen to everything he said. I had the first kid at 23 and second one at 25.

I don't really think he cares if I am happy or not since he insists that after so many years of hard work, he earned the right to do whatever he wants. I believe I contributed equally to the financial security of the family and shoulder most of the chores/responsibilities. It is tough for a professional woman who is also a wife and a mother. I have to work full time and still come home to a second job. People said women were liberated but I say we are just duped; now we have to bring home the bacon as well as care for the house/kids. When the kids were young, I couldn't count how many times that i wanted to leave but I always stayed cause I didn't want the kids to grow up in a broken family. Now they are grown and I believe that i had fulfilled my obligation. May be It is time for me to lead a life that I've earned.

cartomany

By reading your post I came to a conclusion that your husband is flamboyant and egoistic.

A man with ego problem would most of time respond to something that will destroy his image. You could always tell him if he wants others to think that he can't even afford to buy his wife a new SUV. Than stroke his ego to get the things you want. Breaking up a 28 years of work is tough and it won't guarantee you a better life nor will it guarantee that your current life won't be hunting you back in the future.

It's best to get the things you want from him and enjoy your life since your kids are all grown up now.

On an emotional level its going to hard getting it from him but down the road when he realize that you are beating him at his own game the likelyhood he will talk with you about the current situation is highly possible.

Sensitive

This sounds too much like my life, but fast forward about 18 more years. I often dream of being free after my youngest turns 18. My husband doesn't help out with the kids. He spends all his free time and his income on his own wants, and does not support me or our sons. I work outside the home parttime but I contribute equally to the household finances (mortgage and bills). I don't even know if there is enough of a marriage to stay together anymore.

In your case, it almost sounds like the biggest problem is money. He wants expensive cars, you don't. It also sounds like hubby isn't fully aware of your unhappiness. If you aren't supporting kids and you can't stand to live together, and you both have youe own income, it seems wisest to split up. Don't sacrifice yourself anymore.

Nobody123

I have had a couple of anxiety attacks this week. I feel flushed and my entire body was burning. Hives and rashes are breaking out in my face and all over. I haven’t really eaten a good meal for a while; whenever I’m depressed, I don’t eat. I can’t sleep either so I’ve popping Benadryl with some alcohol before I go to bed.

I can’t talk to him, let alone beating him in his own game. If he is physically abusive or a total loser, I would have been gone in a heartbeat but he is a great companion who brings laughter at good times. The problem is he is absent most of the time. I’ve been with the man since 18 and I don’t know any other life other than with him. My situation is far from perfect but it is a known evil; it frightens me to head off to the unknown. I am a modern woman who is supposed to be strong and independent but deep down inside, I am just fearful of the future. I am sure that I’ll miss him but at the same time, I can’t seem to be able to live with this craziness anymore. It is just eating me inside and I don’t see a good way out.

I stay late at work pretty much every day so I don’t have to go home to face the hostility. Weekend is the hardest. With no other social interaction other than dinner out with some friends for a couple of hours, the days are so long and the draining silence between the two of us is just killing me. I sometimes wish I would never wake up but unfortunately, I always do and everyday is just another awful charade.

Sandy55

This is long, sorry, please bear with me....

You are not alone in your situation, trust me. Even better, there is HOPE!

I was on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for about 5 years (1997-2002). I began these meds when I had a panic and anxiety attack of massive proportions after two nights of poor sleeping and arguing with my dh. It was not "pretty" and ended with three shots of Haldol to bring me back down off this attack. The 3-4 years pior to this I was always wondering what the heck was wrong with ME, as I'd have little panic/anxiety attacks, long periods of depression I could not kick, crying jags, suicidal ideation, everything you described.. I thought I was slowly going nuts.

During this 8 year period, I went through four or five therapists, SEARCHING and SEARCHING for what was wrong with ME! Several seemed "crazier" than I felt (one a bra-burner, another too religious), another just wasn't a good "fit" and TWO were very good, very experienced. BOTH essentially informed me: "Your marriage is making you sick and depressed" and "You two need to see a marriage counselor before this kills you" one even said: "He seems to need some counseling....".

Hmmmm....My marriage could be making me SICK???

SO I convinced dh to go to a marriage counselor. DH said he'd go "to get ME some help with (MY) issues". "You find one, I'll go...".

DH didn't like the first marriage counselor, a woman, because, frankly, she was a WOMAN and dh believes WOMEN are less intelligent, stable, ...(fill in the blank)..., than superior men to begin with, AND he didn't like that she informed him he needed to work on some of his "issues" . In a separate session with me she told me: "I am not sure he can change, he is a bit of a challenge...I can see..you may have to do all the work". She was kind . DH refused to go BACK to that therapist. DH's last word: "Heretic!"

SO, I found another marriage therapist, awesomely recommended, bulletproof credentials ! A MAN gender therapist, perfect! Because this was a MAN , my DH thought the MAN would easily see I was the one with all the issues, just a hysterical, panic-anxiety ridden, wife. DH at one session said to MANtherapist: "I don't know why you can't just give her some more pills to snap her out of this..."" (Never mind, marriage therapists rarely prescribe...)

SO about the fifth exhausting session (speaking with DH is always exhausting for all, as no one gets a chance to speak, except DH), the MAN therapist announces: "DH, I want to see you, just the two of us, (manly-manly guys), for a few visits to discuss some more manly-manly issues you may want to discuss without the little woman before we get into this any further" ...

SO, DH goes twice alone into sessions. He drags me along to sit it out in the waiting room and review magazines...these manly-manly are to work out the little woman's issues you see... so I must be with him for the visit

After DH's second visit, he and the MAN therapist come out from behind closed door session. DH rather bolts out of the office, out the door and once outside, lights up a cigarette, puffing long drags, and pacing The therapist has held me from departing with DH, by placing his hand on my arm. The counselor and I are watching DH through the plate glass window, DH is clearly agitated and does not even notice us looking at him, DH even kicks the stones in the parking lot with his shoe!

The counselor sighs, and tells me: "Sandy55, he is something else! I don't know how on earth you have stood him this long and kept your sanity, you are amazing! My advice to YOU is to get out of this marriage if you can, as he has so much going on, I don't know where to start...". I just stood there, my jaw had dropped. We went to a few more sessions, the therapist would not give DH 'wiggle room' to rationalize his behaviors at all, DH just began refusing to go with me any longer, making excuses.

THAT is the year (2001) I realized, my toxic marriage was going to kill me if I did not get my head around how I was going to NOT let it get to me long enough to allow me RAISE my kids as I chose. Divorce was not an option in my case at ALL.

Appreciate your staying with this long story, to this point, as there is a message for you from me:

If your kids are raised, you can support yourself, you are feeling unhappy, depressed, panic and anxiety, wishing to end your struggles over your 28 year marriage, your DH does not even seem to notice or care that your marriage and his behavior is causing you hurt, then leave it. It is not worth it, and any man who does not notice, or who chooses not to notice is not worth being SICK over as you age.

You simply stuck it out to make your kids' lives more stable. You have done your job and in my opinion it was a noble thing to do: staying for them. It is what I have done, and I do not regret it, although it has been lonely and tough. But it was an honorable thing to do in the long haul.

Be happy. Age healthy. Age well. But do not age due to stress over a marriage that was over long ago - life is only so long. You can still be friends with dh, but WHY stay married if you have no reason; divorce means freedom for you. Freedom from his constant insensitivity and selfishness. You don't need it, and no longer have to take it!

Hug. Hug. Hug.

Nobody123

Thanks for the message and the hug. I got it loud and clear. I used to count the days when the kids were growing up; I couldn’t wait until they turned 18, then 21 and they are now 24. I keep asking myself why I am still in the same situation, going through the same charade every day. I have an independent income so it should be easy to break free. Sometimes I feel like I am this caged bird whose wings have been clipped for such a long time that she forgets how to fly. I don’t know if my anxiety attack is due to my agony over my marriage or the unknown prospect should I decide to leave. I can feel the destined path is coming near; it is so close yet so far.