VONSTER

is seperation bad? My wife of three years has asked me to move out for a short period but Im scared what she really means is its over. I have trust issues with her mainly because she has mentioned to me that she rushed into our marriage and yesterday I found out she is looking for homes in another state and saying she will be there in May. But she has agreed to go to counseling during our seperation but the thing is she cant tell me she loves me either

Im a very insecure and negative person and Im driving her away with the need for constance reassurance I know this is all my fault. Im very anxious and depressed. Does anyone have any advice or hope?

Leah

I would like to know what people have to say. I am also getting a temporary separation. I just had a baby seven months ago and my husband and I are having communication problems. We have gone to four couples therapy sessions. I would also like some advice. I am thinking that things should fix themselves soon, but I know that couples therapy is a process. I don't know if I can have him in the same house during couples therapy.
Leah

draconis

To tell you the truth it sounds like things are heading for a divorce. This is my advice to you, however, Start to work on yourself. If you are out of shape hit the gym, or find some hobby. The thing is if you invest time in yourself you will be less negative and better able to handle things if they go badly.

I think to suggest more you'd need to give more information unless nothing has changed in some time.

Someone to chat with and advice PLEASE

draconis

draconis

How are things going? Have you tried the e-mail thing?

Have you thought about sharing the house but using diffent rooms?

draconis

VONSTER

Divorce? Man I hope not, i was really hoping someone would say the opposite....this is my third marriage and mentally can not handle it Im 46 I cant sleep or eat. Im a basket case. The previous two had the same issues with me the thing is Im a good person but I can not get over this hump. I love this girl with all of my being.

Leah

We tried the email thing, but he didn't respond to the emails. We don't have different rooms. Our house is small. It is like a dance right now to be in different rooms. I think I am looking for fights and I don't know how to stop doing this.

draconis

Well insecure, negative, need for constance reassurance, anxious ,depressed, trust issues and controlling these are all things you said of yourself and do not cry out as the perfect man for marriage.

I would say though that not everything is hopeless. But it is very easy to be self defeating.

I guess it depends on what you are truly willing to do to fix yourself. You can't promise her anything if you can't do it.

If you want advice I will give it to you and it may help save your marriage. However, advice is only as good as the person is willing to use it.

draconis

emate1209

Hi Vonster,

I have to say that I agree with Draconis on two things.

Firstly, start investing time in yourself and try and understand why this is happening given this is your third marriage.

Secondly, start thinking positively and go to the gym or take up a hobby so you can start thinking instead of panicking.

When I went through my seperation I took up marathon running as a way of releasing anger and to feel physically and mentally healthy giving me the ability to reflect with positive thoughts.

I urge you to start thinking about the situation and find a solution. Once you do you will be surprised how easier it is to talk to your partner which you will have to do sooner than later.

Best of luck.

Cheesrs

__________________
Marriage Advice | Relationship Tips

VONSTER

Im so humbled by what has happened in my life and have tried very hard to fix my issues but I cant seem to find the keys toopen the door. I will do whatever it takes and listen to any good advice to help myself. So anything you can offer would be appreciated.

draconis

Well the first step is that you need to sit down and TALK with her. COMMUNICATION is the first key. You need to really LISTEN to what her concerns are. Ask her if you can tape the conversation. Afterwards you can listen to the taope over and over to see what you originally missed and ask yourself why you missed it. Also when people know they are being taped they are more calm, but you can review the tape for signs of anger and aggression on your part.

If you really want to humble yourself try going to AA meetings and it doesn't matter if you are an alcoholic but focus in on their stories how they threw so much away and had to hit rock bottom before they realized it was to late to fix their vices.

Try to keep a journal and be truthful. Note your weaknesses and why they came up and what needs to be fixed. be HONEST with yourself and her.

Find ways to give her space while keeping the marriage moving forward, she can go to college, the gym or a girls night out. You have to face your fear on this one. Remind yourself that everytime she does these things that you worry your losing control that you are gaining her as love and she is getting back a piece of herself.

If you are truly depressed see a phychologist. There might be underlining problems you have carried with yourself for years that need to be understood so that you can overcome them. I would also switch up you diet to more fresh veggies and less meat. Meat helps to provide protien that helps produce testosterome and other "aggression" chemicals in the body. Also, go to a gym if you can. Their is nothing like having a good outlet to work out your frustrations without using the raised frustration on your wife. If possible use a different gym then her.

If you have to raise your voice give yourself a time out. You should never verbally abuse your wife. Give her a key word that will help let you know. Follow through too. If you don't and you allow heated arguments you are killing the marriage. You have to control yourself so things are not said to be hurtful because of anger and frustriation.

Don't assume she is there to help you. Instead help with the daily household chores. It is your house too. Try to clean up and offer to let her to show you how to cook if you do not know. Heck if you can boil water I can teach you how to cook. It will show a willingness to help her with your partnership.

Remember it will take a thousand times to show her you are righting each wrong. She has every right to use caution. ASSURE her each time and avoid any setbacks because from here on out one mistake and she will assume you have not changed and it is game over.

If you drink or have other addictive traits get away from it. Focus your time and energy in saving your marriage.

Always be calm, and if you want to reply off the cuff think about it before you reply. Ask yourself how she might take it.

draconis

VONSTER

Very well put I will try to do these things. It wont be easy but I want this bad.

Today was a good day I thought, it wasnt easy at all in fact it was hard. I didnt see her at all but I did "text" her twice and called her twice (we have twin boys and thats what call was for). Like tonight she is out with the girls which is fine but I called her because of the boys again and she got real short and rude with me so I got frustrated and asked why she was so upset with the phone call (is that my one last chance, is the game over?) Other than that I have not seen her since this AM I plan to do the same tomorrow.

I dont think I can get her to talk anymore I asked for a heart to heart tomorrow (in the text message, she hasnt responded). What if she doesnt want to be recorded? That would so much help because I so much misread what she says and I have to keep asking again and again...I think my chances are slim to be honest I think this separation is just an excuse. She says its because she needs space. She says she isnt thinking about divorce. I dont believe her I think its because she is afraid of my response I think when Im out she will tell me then. I want to stay and be separated in the house I can do that no problem.

My gut is so anxious Im a wreck. I know if I were her I would be sick of me too. But she has done things to. Its not all my fault but I feel the worlds biggest loser because I really love her. We are supposed to go on a date tomorrow night.

I'm kinda with your first email maybe its over.

draconis

Have you not understood that you are your own undoing? Unlike many other things and people, you do not have time for a learning curve. It is now or never and you are on a crash course.

Unless it is that important there wasn't much reason to contact her to begin with. All you are doing in her eyes is re-enforcing the image that you are STILL controlling.

You do not have the options for making mistakes. You'll have to learn more self control tech.

draconis

VONSTER

I guess thats my problem I look it at as being a good husband she sees at it being controlling. Thats my problem so you recommend under no circumstances contact her? Communicate on her terms? How does one keep the doors of communication open that way? Last question - should I move out? I really dont want to seperate or does she view that as controlling too?

draconis

1) You are going to have to clear everything out of your hea that you think you know. It isn't a matter of what you think or how you think you have been but rather how she thinks you are.

If I was ever to swat my child on the butt and that child cried saying I hurt them, how can I honestly say I didn't (or that it should not have hurt)? It is their pain, not mine.

An alcoholic will be the first to say that their drinking never effected their family only them. But that isn't the case, is it?

As a business owner it isn't a matter if I think being rude didn't upset a customer, it is if they felt offended.

What I am trying to get across is it is a matter of perspective. More then anything else it is her perspective that matters not yours to how she feels and how she will react.

2) Let up, Contact her when it is really needed. Does your child need to go to the ER and she has the only car? Again this is a matter of perspective. Ofcourse you come across as controlling, and that is letting you off lightly BTW.

She needs space and time. Yet the one thing you can do to let her heal you will not let her have. How do you think she feels?

3) Communication is more then talking to her when you want to talk. It is about listening to what she has to say. She has told you the answers countless times how to fix things. Yet you will not listen to her. Again it is her perspective that matters, not yours.

4) Give her an open invite to talk, tell her you have talked to her and now you need to listen when she is ready. Let her talk and don't take offense or defend yourself. Listen & learn from her.

Her (H) : "You hurt me."
You (Y): "How?"
H: "You are so controlling"
Y: "I'm sorry I never knew that what types of things did I do?"
H: "Well, everytime I go out you have to call me every five minutes for one."
Y: "Okay, anything else?"

5) I wouldn't move out but I would offer to have seperate rooms or sleep in the living room until the two of you know where this is going.

Note: Stop being your own worse enemy, don't look at things from your perspective, Honor hers. Right now you need to know how to make her happy and healthy. Only she knows what she needs.

draconis

VONSTER

Draconis, I will write down how I think she feels and try to better understand it that way. That is good advice. I wrote her a letter yesterday and she agreed that we can work things out better if Im home so that was good news we even slept in the same bed. Kissed her goodbye this AM. I need to get tough and suck it up because this morning (since Im at work) I need some reassurance from her that things will be fine. I cant do that so where do I turn to divert that BS to? How do I erase the things she has said to convince me she is leaving? All I want to hear is "I love you" but I cant say it until she does (I dont want her to feel obligated to say it).