devotedwifey

Cinderella,
I completely understand where you are coming from. I am going through something very similar with my husband. I feel like his depression is taking control of our marriage, our family and our life together, and it doesn't seem to have an end in sight. Things were intensified by what I call his mid-life crisis. He began acting completely out of character, desiring superficial things and wanted to change everything in his life (he wanted to divorce me, see our daughter one time a year, get a new apartment and turn it into a "bachelor pad", complete with neon beer lights, buy a Mustang or a Nissan 370z -neither of which he can afford, let alone afford those on his own, and be single- he would look in a magazine or see something on TV and tell me that is how he wanted to live- most scenarios were completely rediculous and not feesible). On good days, he is the best, loving, caring, active husband. On bad days, he has no feelings for anything, not me, not our daughter.
We are still struggling to get through this, but I have vowed myself to the man I love forever, and plan with all my heart to stay that way. I will work as hard as humanly possible, and give everything I have, and wait for him to get better. I married him for better or for worse, and understand that sometimes we actually have to go through the "worse" part. I have offered to go to therapy, he doesn't think he needs it, but I will wait. I have good days and bad, but I know that one day things will get better, even if it takes a while. I also know that one day, he will stand by me when I go through my "worse."
I hope your husband and you can get things back on track. Please don't begin to question your love for him during the hard times, things can only escalate from there. With or without therapy, meds, Dr's, etc, lots of hard work will be needed, but will pay off. Keep your head up and make sure he knows how much you love him.

mumof2

Well ladies what can I say. You are certainly not alone and sadly like so many others it is like reading about my own life.

I knew my H was depressed but he didn't want to face up to it, then he said he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce, no warning, no discussion.

I found him as much information on depression and midlife crisis and finally he began to see that this might be him. He finally got a diagnosis of severe depression and PTSD and has started treatment but this has been 7 months now and I too feel like my whole life is on hold.

I know it shouldn't be and I am trying but boy its tough. H too spent too much time wondering 'what might have been' especially as I found out he had been secretly texting and emailing his 'first love'. I am getting to the stage where I may have to accept that I will never get my old H back, thats just making it harder especially when we have been married nearly 22 years.

I wasn't the one lying and deceiving so why am i the one trying to do everything i can to make H happy, walking on eggshells all the time is taking its toll.

On the plus side I told him at the start of the new year that if he didn't want to be with me then I wouldn't stop him going but I wasn't prepared to start the new year wondering what bombshell he is going to drop next. And he said he wanted to stay. So we are still together. I do think that he had to hit rock bottom before H could start over and we both have certainly reached rock bottom. So I suppose the only way is up (as the song goes!!)

I am trying to remember he has been ill and have supported him totally in his treatment , but maybe someone out there can tell me, will it ever end !!!!!?? have to go now as this is going to make me cry

Henry in Edinburgh

Well, this rings a lot of bells with me, too. Except I am the husband going through the depression - the emotional affair with a colleague, the intense desire for sex, the whole bit. My wife and I have been together for 15 years; we have started seeing a relationship therapist as a result of this major depressive episode.

One of the first things that the therapist asked me about my depression is whether anyone I'd been close to had died. Apparently this often causes people to re-appraise their lives and make big decisions. Nobody seems to know why this is, and in my case that doesn't appear to be true. The therapist's view is that I have probably carried some degree of depression with me since adolescence - a product of my "having to grow up too quickly" she thinks - and that it has flared up as a result of this emotional relationship. She suspects it has led me to regretting certain elements of my life that I feel I've missed out on. (The most important of these is exciting sex - my wife and I have not done it in years and I have had little interest in doing it with her.)

I don't know whether this helps you to understand what your husband is going through, but I thought it'd be worth sharing. I don't hate or resent my wife, yet I feel as though I can't live with her anymore. At the same time, though, I am not sure whether this depressive episode is being caused by the lack of sexual fulfilment, or whether sex has not been fulfilling because I have been depressed. The therapist isn't sure, either. That, I suppose, is why we're still together. But I don't know how much more I can take ...

This link may be helpful.

douglas

I wanted to offer Cinderella webdings and cfulgrif my mirror image perspective. itis my wife who appears to be going through this. Turned 40, cut her hair to less than shoulder length to look younger (first time she cut it since I know her), lost 15 pounds in 10 days!, wanted to donate a kidney because if you save a life you save the world, goes to the gym now three times a week, has completely cut me off emotionally, and has ceased communication, is constantly irritable and agitated over every little matter, frequent references to her age has told me that she loves me but is not in love with me, has told me that she does not want me to control her and wants her own freedom.

She Had an EA - Very difficult and very painful. She does not want to move out, she obsesses over the last 17 years. We have been to therapy together an individually. I know it takes time and we need baby steps.
Scared by the stat that if the wife says its over than its over. My wife has said that - yet she continues to go to therapy and couples counseling.
So to all the wives out there suffering with their beloved husband, know there is a husband who shares your pain over his beloved wife.
Hang in there, hopefully time will heal these wounds as well. Keep the faith and never question Heaven.

Croaker

Heh. this reads almost exactly like me. Emotionally entangled with an old flame; feel emotionally/sexually/intellectually cut off from/abandoned bydisconnected from my wife; feel like everything has just become too much; I don't hate her but I don't love her, or I'm not in love; we're in counseling at my insistence; I don't want the absolute of a divorce but I do, I think, want a separation, except there's no place to separate too - we're a long ways away from friends & family while I go to grad school.

I'm holding it together around my daughter, but that's about it.

The only advice i can give, and i don't know if it's correct or not, is to support him. he's not choosing to be miserable and overturn his whole life. if he asks for something it's probably something he thinks he needs; not just a whim he's having. my wife right now is treating my depression as something I'm doing to personally vex her. we discussed sex last night (I stopped it about two months ago) and she refused to consider it until I met her needs first.

honestly, that wasn't what i needed to hear right then.

Henry in Edinburgh

I'm sorry to hear that. Mine wants me to "try harder" - "I don't deserve this" she says. She's right, of course. But I don't deserve what I've got either. And she has no idea how hard I am trying.

Living with someone who is depressed is tough, I'm sure. But it's important to focus on the illness rather than the person who is depressed.