cinderella2009

I don't really know how to organize all of the events that have transpired but I'll do my best. My husband of 10+ years who never showed any signs of depression (or at least obvious signs) had a mid life crisis or mental breakdown over this last summer. He started a short term emotional relationship with a colleague from work which he confessed to me after I found emails on his phone interested in sexual services with massage parlors (unrelated to the relationship). Nothing physical happened with either scenario but in some ways I wish it was more physical than emotional. The relationship and the emails ceased and it has been a period of rebuilding. All of this is completely out of character for him. He would be the one saying what an idiot someone was for behaving that way.

Since September his mid life crisis has transitioned into a severe depression. I understand now that his emotional affair and interest in sexual services were outlets stemming from this crisis and depression. I am in no way forgiving this behavior. I just understand it is part of a bigger picture. For the last three months his depression has kept getting worse. I do give him so much credit for making such an effort to try and help himself and our family. He has been going to therapy, we have been going to couples therapy and he just started on some anti depressant and anti anxiety medicine. I have days when I am still in shock that this is my life now and my husband who was the most laid back easy going guy is now this fragile emotional being that I still find myself walking on eggshells around.

We have three beautiful young children and for the last three months I have become a single mom for the most part. Our kids are young enough that they haven't caught on to anything that is happening. It is been the most difficult time in my life. The hardest part is the depression has made him question his desire to be part of our family. In a twisted way it actually makes me feel better that he feels that way and that it is not just about me. If it were just about me I could deal with that and divorce might be something we would have to consider but because he has no interest in anything including his kids I know that is the depression talking. Trying to balance being supportive for him, keeping a brave face for my children and keeping my energy up for them all while my future is so uncertain. I am a firm believer in for better or worse, sickness and health but I just feel so alone. I can't talk to many of my friends because I don't want the stigma of depression to be placed on my husband.

I guess I am just looking for advice from people in a similar situation and how you handle it successfully. One side of me wants to do everything I can to support and help my husband but the other part of me is so resentful because right now he doesn't know how he feels about me and the kids. I just want to feel loved and I want my children to feel loved. It is just a very lonely time right now. I am trying to take care of myself but I am worried I am starting to feel depressed about everything and if you knew me you would know that is the last possible emotion to describe me. I am such a positive happy person and I hate what all of this has done to our family.

If anyone can offer any advice as to how they got through a similar situation I would appreciate any input. Thanks

Atholk

Beyond simply stating that he has a mid-life crisis, you haven't really made a case that he is having a mid-life crisis. My immediate impression is that the rabbit hole on the emotional affair with the co-worker goes a lot deeper than you thought it did. He's likely still going through the grief process from losing his relationship with her.

The sexual services stuff is likely indirectly related to the emotional affair. He's been sexually energized by the emotional affair, and doesn't sound like he was getting physically satisfied by the other woman. So he's just driven to seek an outlet. When men call up hookers, it's pretty obvious what need they want met from the experience. So I gotta ask... has he been getting enough sex from you?

Also you say he's "easy going" and "laid back". He may be so with everyone in general, but rarely is anyone truely low maintainance where their marriage is concerned. You are saying that his depression is changing the way he feels about his marriage, I suspect the depression is in fact the symptom of how he feels about his marriage.

Suggest reading His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr as a starting point. I realize much of what I've been saying sounds like I've been shifting a bunch of blame onto you. He has no doubt not met some of your needs along the way as well.

From what I've read here though, you aren't really throwing out any major signs that things can't be fixed. So I have a decent hope for you both.

cinderella2009

Hi Atholk,

Your response was painful to read because most of it was right on the mark. I agree his grief is due to the end of the emotional relationship however the relationship was only a week old. He had been friends with her for a few months leading up to it and he swears it was only a friendship until the week before this all exploded and they met for drinks. He claims his grief is because he has lost a friend but I know it's more than that. Anyway I think you are right on with the reason for the sexual services. Our sex life was a little dry but we had just had a baby and it's the same roller coaster after each child with regards to sex. I will say since this has all happened one of the good things to come out of this nightmare is our sex life has improved drastically.

So back to the midlife crisis symptoms. Up until the end of June we were a happily married couple and family. He loved me and our kids and he loved his job. We had our minor marriage issues but nothing therapy worthy, just normal disagreements. At the end of June and into early July we had two deaths in the family (on my side) and my husband had a birthday which he said made him feel old. He was also under a great deal of financial pressure July into August. By mid August it all came crashing down. He was unhappy with everything - me, kids, can't concentrate with his job, has no interest in sports at all (usually a total sports nut). He had all these wierd regrets about what he didn't get to do in life when he was young- dating more girls (only had a few girlfriends), not studying abroad, had all these expectations set upon him throughout his life (some real/some in his head). so that is why he seemed like a classic mid life crisis.

In regards to the depression being symptom of the unhappiness with our marriage, I would agree with you except his depression encompasses everything else - kids, job, life in general, energy, lack of interest and feeling like a total failure. So I do believe this affair was more an outlet for his depression than not wanting to be in our marriage. He has said over and over that he wants to do everything possible to get back to normal with our marriage and the kids. I have given him the opportunity to leave and he doesn't want to. he breaks down in tears almost weekly about how he just wants to feel the eway he did a few months ago. I have never seen this man cry except maybe at a funeral. I will not throw him out but if he feels he needs to leave than he can and he keeps saying over and over that he doesn't want to.

This crisis/ depression has brought about a few good things. Our sex life has improved since we are paying more attention to everything but now it's a different kind of roller coaster because it depends on if he is having a good day or not and if his energy and interest is up. The little issues that we had in our marriage we are facing head on and it's nice to get those off the table.

It is just difficult coping with my daily life. I have a husband that most of the time has no desire...for anything. I am trying to get through each day with some hope that it will get better. That some day he will want me and the kids like he use to. We have never experienced depression so I don't know what to expect. Is it possible that with therapy (both individual and marriage), and medication he will be happy again? Has anyone gone through a depression like this and kept their marriage in tact?

webdings

I too am anxiously awaiting a response to your post. I am new to this forum and it's like reading my own thoughts. My husband has been displaying these very things and I am starting to lose hope. I am curious to know if anyone has made it through this cycle and came out a strong couple or is it bound to end in divorce? We are going on 2 years and I am getting exhausted. We havent had sex in 6 months and I'm tired of talking about it. Nothing seems to work to spark any kind of emotion from him. Please advise, Im losing hope quickly!

cinderella2009

Hi Webdings,

I am sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I am only into it about 3 months so I can only imagine the frustration you must feel 2 years into it. I walk a fine line between not wanting to give up hope for the sake of what our marriage use to be and for our children but then I also question can I live like this forever with a man who has no real desire for me. I feel like I would waste my life and my own happiness if I did that. I have my good days and bad days.

Are you guys in therapy? Is he on medication? He just started the medication so I am giving it a couple of months to kick in. The other problem from all of this is I have taken on everything. From bills to taking out the trash to the everything with the kids. I am a single Mom of three pretty much right now while he deals with this depression. I am still in schock because this came out of left field. I am not being ignorant and not picking up on any warning signs or anything, it was a shock to him too.

My best advice (and I'll try and take it too) Get into therapy for the both of you and for yourself. You need a private outlet where you can vent about all the frustration and resentment you are feeling or else you will explode. I find it hard to do that in couples therapy since he is still working on coming out of this depression. I don't really want to knock him while he is down. I have read alot about a spouse with depression and alot of times the other spouse ends up falling into her own depression because of everything she has taken on.

Feel free to vent to me here if you ever need to. I can't tell you how comforting it is to talk to someone else who is going through this. I can talk to some of my friends but when they aren't going through it it's really hard for them to relate.

webdings

Cinderella,
Thanks so much. As sad as all this is, its nice to know Im not alone here. Im in the military and my husband is retired military. I am gone for about 16 hrs a day. He wouldnt even notice if I didnt come home at night. If it werent for the kids, I would be gone. We have 2 girls, 10 and 13. We have talked about splitting up, not because he doesnt love me, but so I can be happy with someone else". As nice as that sounds, I cant leave him right now. I am deploying to Africa next spring so I need to be sure the girls are taken care of.

I tried to be carefree and compliment him today but nothing registers. His self esteem is so low. It really hurts to be here with someone who doesnt even know your sitting right next to them. It breaks my heart and feels like a knife in my stomach.

I really want him to care about me again. Hes been on so many different kinds of drugs and noth9ing seems to help, everything kills libido. We dont have sex anymore and I'm even tired of talking to him about it. He has told me many times to get a boyfriend, but what do I do with that? Is he serious, is it cheating if he gives me permission?

As for you, I really feel for you and wish you luck. I cant promise it will get better because I dont know if it will. My H has always had issues but being retired really brings them out. I can understand some depression because he's bored, but I would expect him to give me more attention when I get home. I just dont understand this stuff and it frustrates me. Sometimes I just want to give up and run away. My kids keep me here.

Thanks for listening!

Atholk

Hi there,

My general advice for depression is to try and avoid medication except as a last resort. There are always risks with psychotropics, and it is not always easy getting off them. Plus the anti-depressants can markedly reduce libido, so that in and of itelf can create a new problem in the marriage.

From your first post it sounds like he has started on TWO psychotropics. What are they? Dosages?

I'd suggest paying close attention to general health needs. Namely getting on an exercise program, most particularly including weight training for men. Taking some kind of protein supplementation. Avoiding junk items like alcohol, soda, high fructose corn syrup etc and sticking to around a 2000 cal diet. Adding Omega-3 supplementation (for mood) and a multi-vitamin. It's not particularly exciting, but it's pretty effective for the majority of people at improving mood and overall effectiveness in life.

I'm glad to hear things have been perking up in the sex department. Wives typically underestimate the importance of sex to their husbands. Sex is how most men experience love. You can say you love them, cook them dinner, do their laundry, hug them, hang on their every word, dress up for them and they might not feel like you love them at all. You might be exhausted from caring for them, but until your legs open they might feel they mean next to nothing to you. (I know this makes no sense to most women, just trust me on it.)

Look for you guys I really recommend that book and work through that together. It was like one cent on Amazon used plus the shipping.

__________________
I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

cfulgrif

OMG when I read your post, I thought perhaps you were in my home and watching my life. My husband and myself have been together for 14yrs. Since I was 17 and him 20. We had a daughter 15months after we started dating and bought our home we still own. We have known nothing but each other and our children. We now have five, two bio daughters, one adopted son, my nephew and our foster son. Last year he was laid off from his job of 13 yrs and started a new job the next day. He hated it! He would text me all day long and tell me how much he hated it. In Feb. of this year he was laid off from that one as well. Our life was perfect, we were happy we were the couple our friends envied. We rarely fought and did for one another most anything. We camped all summer long, him collecting EI and me still working from our home, I do daycare. HE decided he's like to go to school so I supported it and he decided on policing. I was so proud my husband the police officer. My husband didn't have a good up bringing, he always vowed not be his dad (married 3 times and a cheater who abandoned his children) and he always sought to be better then his mom. He always talked to God and we always had good times, mainly as a family because of the big one we have :-) He started school in July and he forced himself to get top marks, he wants perfect attandance and to be the head student. In August I guess I should have noticed, he started to change, get angry wanting to do things and huffing over no money. We fought a little more mainly over money and then October came and he failed his practise physical for policing, I don't know if thats what cracked him or if it was Thanksgiving when I told him infront of all of his family that I didn't want to talk to him I hated him at that moment and to just not talk.
About two weeks later I found his cell phone, he was texting a married woman in his class at 10pm. I questioned him about it and he said he had feelings for her but to nothing had happened. He was having an emotional affair. Six days later I too found an email from him stating he loves her and that he wished she could be his.....I dyed that day....my whole world fell apart and I handled it the way I thought I should I went to him and told him what I found and told him I understood he was lost and confused and that I love him enough to let him go, if he needed to go to his sisters I loved him enough to let him go.....that was a little over three weeks ago. Here I sit now with no answers still our first marriage counciling appointment one week away and him when I ask if he wants a divorce "no thats to permanent, I don't want it to be over" He's told me he loves me but doesn't know if he's in love with me, he's told me he's not going to move out because his intention is to come back but right now he doesn't want to work on out marriage he's got a lot on his plate he says and he just wants to let it happen. He wants to date! I just wanted you to know that your not the only one out there. I've found this out over the last couple of weeks. Our friends are shocked with aww and my girlfriends they tell me to be strong and that they aren't in my shoes but they'd be gone....but I to believed I would get married once through sickness and health and it hurts so very much....I stay strong for my children all five, I have bad moments not bad days. I remember I'm the one my two daughters look for for the example and sad is not what I want it to be.....let me know how you make out. I've been told there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I know that myself and yourself and all woman going through this........we in the long run, we will be ok! I told my husband I don't need him, I don't need money, I don't need his muscles, he can be replaced (not that I want this) its because I WANT HIM that I wait.......good luck!

cinderella2009

Dear cfulgrif,

So much of your story is familiar to me. I am not a psychologist and by no means can I diagnose what your husband is experiencing but what I can tell you is the similar pressures my husband was experiencing directly attributed to his "breakdown". He went from a breakdown where he said he had all these dilusional regrets from his 20s to now a fairly deep depression and moments each day where he is just not happy in life - with anything or anyone - including me and our 3 young children. It is such a lonely time.

I am so happy to read you are going to therapy. I really believe it will help. It sounds like he is in a depression. My husband never did this before so it's not like he had previous bouts of depression. This is all totally out of the blue. I would highly recommend a marriage therapist and an individual therapist for each of you. You need a place - not a friend or a family member - to completely vent and so does he. As for the emotional affair, the most important thing I learned from this is it is probably just a symptom of a much bigger problem like depression. It doesn't excuse it but it does help get your hands around what is going on in his head. Try and hang in there. Like you I am in in this for the long run and hoping this bumpy road smooths out someday soon.

Good luck and I hope your first therapy session is helpful.

cfulgrif

How do you know though when its not head games they are playing with you?? I'm so scared right and am counting the days to our first counciling session. In the meantime I'm trying to fill my time with fun things rather then thoughts of maybe it would be better? or is he playing head games? or is the grass greener? and I know its all fear talking. We had a good talk tonight and I think I was able to point out to him all of the "havic" we, and I mean we have suffered through this year. I went out for drinks with my girlfriend the other night and his comment was must be nice while i'm here studying and doing homework....he sounded jealous like I had the better deal. I'm so hoping for answers. He told me tonight "YES, I want you and don't want anyone else to have you but I'm not ready to be here right now and I don't know why?!" and I think "what is that?" I'm trying to get him to justify some of things he's saying to me by searching further. I don't know if I'm doing more harm then good? or good then harm? when he left tonight though I felt good about us, I felt good about our conversation and the fact that before he left there was a glimmer of him again that I saw.........he also told me tonight that at times he thinks it would be easier if I would just push him away??? does he believe himself to be that much of a failure? Can we ever get back what we had just months ago? .....I'm in this though for the long road and so hoping that one morning I will wake up and there will be a letter from God on bed reading Dear cfulgrif (lol) here are your answers......good luck to you and any time I'm here to share stories with..... I understand your pain :-S I carry my own on my sleeve ;-)

cinderella2009

I know, it's all so confusing but I promise therapy will be a good place to start. just make sure you are both comfortable with the therapist. we went to one for a couple of weeks and she was helpful but it got to the point where she was getting more and more off the mark. Your therapist will be safe place where you can say what you want and she can help translate it to each of you. Try and be as honest as you can -- she is the neutral party to help guide you along. Good Luck!

hopelessilillinois

I feel for all of you because depression and midlife crisis all seem to be part of my husband and mines problems as well. He is unhappy all of the time. I know this is terrible to say but i wish it was something as simple as an affair. I could handle that. He is unhappy all day everyday and blames me. I just wish he would either get help and feel better or move on. I could live with the amount of unhappiness I feel right now but Im not sure I can handle more. I hope you get help and feel better. Maybe your relationship can still be saved because you want it to. Not sure about mine.

MEM11363

Excellent advice.

Meds should be the treatment of LAST resort and yet sadly they are the treatment for first resort in the US.

The mood elevation of exercise (equal amounts of strength training and cardio, healthy diet - eat a diabetics diet as a non diabetic - makes you feel fantastic - 4 to 5 small meals a day - high protein low carb, low glycemic index), PLUS enough sleep plus tell him to simply let you make love to him at least 2-3 times a week.

Give him least 30 minutes, ideally 60 minutes of sensual full body massage which should make him rock hard, and then let him touch you, pleasure you and then have intercourse. THAT kind of sex releases a huge endorphin blast into his brain. Helps him fall asleep happy and sleep deeply.

But he has to own this too. The sad thing is that doctors don't put the onus on the patient as in "the biggest mistake you can make is to accept that you are too depressed to exercise - if you feel that way - pick up a pair of heavy hands (3-5 pound dumb bells), put on your MP3 player and go for an hour walk. After the walk you may feel good enough to run or lift - if so do it.

You two can also just spoon each other on the days you don't have sex. Spooning and talking about happy past memories is a really nice thing.

He needs to own 3/4 of his treatment regime - sleep, diet and exercise. It will be healthy for your marriage if YOU own the sex part. And exercise with him. Men are visual. If you have some baby weight get rid of it - you will both enjoy the result.

If he started with the meds - instead of a lifestyle program that really sucks because the meds themselves create a host of issues including often wreaking havoc on your sex life.....

lost1234

oh,ladies! i am here with you too...i want my h and marriage back...having a hard time coping!

__________________
loving mother and devoted wife, I will endure this pain with the faith, hope and love i have for my family!

cfulgrif

So an update, my husband and I went to our marriage counciling session and he told her the same things he's been telling me. He doesn't want a divorce its to permenant and that means its over and he doesn't want it to be over right now just doesn't know if he wants it right now either. The councilor was wonderful and talked with him most of the session. She told him he was emotionally cut off, he couldn't even describe an emotion. It was very eye opening to me. Happy, to him is just happy it comes with nothing else, love is just love, no attachment of memories or explaination. Me I could go on about why I love him, she hit the nail on the head by saying he's emotionally cut off. We are to set boundaries and not speak of our "problems" right now only talk about the kids, the weather, simple things. I find this hard at times but he was given a date by the councilor to tell me so I can tell her if he is going to go back. The deadline was today at noon and last night at 830pm he agreed he would go back. . .he said he had some questions for her ? ? he also asked for his Bible last night, for the first time I saw a glimmer of him and for the first time this morning I saw something that I didn't think I would. . . I woke up and thought, "this is ok". I haven't woke up and wanted my marriage to be over yet, it scares me at the amount of work that it will take to undo the doings. I made my next appointment for this Wed. and am looking forward to my head being rumaged through. I've realized a lot of things this past month and a bit, a great deal of ah ha moments. I guess what we as the loving devoted wives do not realize we to have choices to make, or atleast I have come to the realization that I know I do.
For those of you that don't know my husband choose to move out on Oct 28th and went from living at his sisters to now living at his dads. He had an emotional affair with a girl. I found condoms in his room at his dads on Sunday and he tells me his brother gave them to him because before he left thats where he was. . . if it was going to happen he wanted to be prepared is what he told me. . . .the hurts are starting to hurt less and as I look at my children I get stronger. I went on a antidepressant and fight daily not to take them. . .I know that there is something wrong with my husband I know the stresses of the past year for both of us have played their toll but I also know I'm worth it and as devoted as I am I do have choices. He was here last night and I miss him, he came to get money for gas and to say goodnight to our chidlren, his truck stayed running in the driveway..............I believe in only getting married once, I believe as well that the good Lord does not give you anything that you are not able to handle.. I still have hope that some day "soon" he'll wake up and realize what a mess he's making. I wanted to ask him last night what if that day is the day he sees my back and not my face because I'm walking away.....the councilor said statics say that when a man has issues in a marriage the marriage normally comes through but when its the woman that says its done, its normally done. To all of us women out there that are suffering, it is with pain and grief and sadness and hope. . .but maybe we've lost the bigger picture, we're worth it and and perhaps destitute and sad and lost are not what we should be but we should show that we are worth it . . . .I love my husband from the bottom of my toes but I lost me being sad, I lost me being destitiute and desperate and now I find that finding me is as much a goal as finding us..........he sees my changes, he doesn't like when I go out and I have his attention perhaps all will work out?? time will tell.....good luck ladies and I will be sure to keep you updated....