steelerfan

Good Morning,
I have been married to my wife for 22 years and together for 26 years. We have three children 20,18,16 and what would appear to be a good life to most. But we have one glaring problem, she is depressed, I think.
She has always had self esteem issues for as long as I've known her and is probably the most pessimistic human I've ever met. I on the other hand am an alpha personality and will always try to find the best even in a miserable situation. I will preface this all by saying that I am sure that we still love each other and do want to work this out but can never seem to get there.
As long as I've known my wife, she has always had a bad opinion of her appearance/womanhood. Please understand that she is still gorgeous and always has been. She lways said she felt ugly and unfemminine. I always tried to buy her new modern clothes, show her how much I was attracted to her and make her feel alive and womanly. All of it failed. Wrote her love notes, sent flowers to work, sent her on day outing with her freinds while I took care of the house and kids but again, nothing. She wanted new rings because she felt that the original ones were too, small, she got them. Over and over I tried to make her feel loved and attractive but to no avail. She got worse and worse.
I didnt handle some of this very well and we had some really bad arguments over this issue. It seemed no matter what was done, she just got worse. For me, she simply stopped showing any type of affection in any way. No kissing, hugging or anything unless I did it first.
I looked on the bright side and said "someday". Well here I am years later and someday hasnt come. In fact, she has gotten worse and worse. We argue weekly because I am always trying to come up with something we can do to work on these issues. I am starving for some type of love. I want to have a sexual relationship but once ever 5-6 weeks is killing me.
She says that she feels empty inside and that she loves me and wants our marriage to work but she never does anything to work on it. Then I get frustrated and the cycle starts again.
We have tried both IC and MC but nothing seems to help. She either doesnt do the work that the therapist suggests and then finally just gives up going.
I myself am groowing dissillusioned about it all. I find myself fantasizing what life could be like if things were normal. I am not looking to leave my wife. I could never leave her, I m still deeply in love with her but sometimes I question why since I get nothing in return for the love I show, only a cold disinterest.
Has anyone been in a similar situation or even been in my wifes shoes. I really could use some insight in how to handle her as well as myself.
There is more but can only post this for now.
Thanks for listening, I need someone to express this to.

MEM11363

Your only possible shot at this is to make yourself more attractive and less available.

Focus more on you and your priorities. Focus less on her and making her happy/amorous etc.

Start spending more time at the gym and socializing without her.

If you keep saying totally destructive things like "I would never leave her" you will continue to be mostly celibate.

There is a vast chasm between threatening separation / divorce and telling someone who is ignoring your need to feel loved that you would "never leave them." While the former is aggressive and hostile, the latter is plain stupid and likely is interpreted as meaning you really are ok with the status quo.

Stop trying so hard, you have likely bored her near to death. Don't be angry/whiny - don't be cold/mean/hostile. Just be focused on other things.

Women are programmed to use sex to bond their men to them. If you are a good provider/husband and she feels you pulling away emotionally....

And show some spine FCS. If when you reprioritize she starts in with the insecure questions like "are you going to leave me?"

Be honest with a back bone. Just tell the truth. "I don't feel loved, haven't in a long time, that is really taking a toll on our marriage."

And read the book - Mating in captivity

peacefully

From a woman's perspective, and more to the point, from a woman who has experienced depression- when a person is depressed, they do not know how to help themselves, the brain is in a fog and all they feel is bad and ugly and unattractive. The natural reaction is to offer compliments and give advice, however this is all coming from the outside. Think of it as dry walling the house without having the frame, it will just collapse.
I can't say for sure, but my instinct is that your wife isn't with holding from YOU, she is just not feeling good about herself. Low self esteem can be devastating.
Have you tried taking control? not with compliments (which won't mean anything until she can hear them) but with going out and getting her some easy reading books on self esteem for women and then, telling her that you are going to make an appointment for her to see a therapist, on her own. She might feel relieved that someone is taking care of this for her.

Women are deeply emotional creatures. When men focus on the outside of us, although it can be flattering, it can also be very painful, especially if we have self esteem issues. There might be something way deeper going on for her.

I also suggest that if she is unwilling to get help, that you get some help for yourself. It's an awful feeling to love someone and to feel that they are pushing you away.

easygoingguy

i could have written what you have, we're very much in the same boat!
except i'm a young newly wed. My wife saw a therapist 3 times, said she didnt need to go anymore she was cured yet doesnt apply any of the little she learned.
I dont want to be the 'someday' person. She has to go back for our marriage to work. Only way for any relationship to work is to do what has to be done, in our cases they need to go back to therapy.
We deserve it.

letitgo

Money doesnt buy happiness. Im sure you are doing more than just buying her all those things to make her happy. There seems to be something missing in her life...I recomend reading up on depression and what it really does to you. see if you can get her back into therapy

steelerfan

Thank you all for responding.
Since I last posted, we have had several discussions and a few arguments. I have tried to get the point across to her that something is seriously wrong and it needs to be addressed. She agreed to see a doctor stating that she know that she should be happy but just cant be.
I gave it a week and asked if she had called abnd she advised that she didnt have time so I made the call and set the appointment.
I am hopeful that there will be a turning point in this because I am losing my mind and dont know how much more I can take of this.
Our discussions have centered more on her self esteem and self image as a person, woman and wife. She states that she doesnt feel like any of these. I have also backed off from her by lessening my displays of affection and love for her. Not that I dont want to but that they only serve to create more issues on my side when nothing happens.
One thing that she did say was that she was aware that the marriage was coming to a crossroads and that she knew that my patience was coming to an end. She still wants to be married and says she wants to get back what has been lost.
As for me, I am concentrating on the positive things in my life, kids, and trying to keep busy and be as positive around her as I can.
I still find it hard when she does something cute or I get that feeling. Living without any form of love, affection or physical is tough.
I still struggle witgh how to get across to her that I still love her in a way that speaks to her. Or maybe she knows it but cant show it. I just dont know.
ITS ALL MADDENING!!!!!!

steelerfan

This is for easygoingguy.
Take this to the bank, things will only get worse. I am speaking as someone who has been in this for 20+ years. It will get worse until you think you are the one who is ill. She has to get back into therapy. My wife says she is doing it for me and not for herself. Either way, she needs to do it.
It is a flaw within themselves. For too many years I thought, well if I just treated her better or bought her more. It never worked and now I feel that we have wasted years that could have been spent happy.

BigBadWolf

Making the appointment yourself was a good move.

Lessening the affection is also a good move, but is a two edged sword, because it seems you are still bending over backwards to please her and being a "weak man" in your woman's eyes.

Read MEM11363 post #2 again and again, it is the solution.

Less talk, and more action.

Talking about self-esteem issues is not the goal.

Bending over backwards to please your woman is not the goal.

Being a "nice guy" is not the goal.

Understand this, no woman wants to be a "charity case", so stop treating your woman like one. You are not helping either of you.

Stop walking on eggshells, instead be the confident man in control of himself and his world that your wife fell in love with.

It is simply this:

Letting the woman know you are desiring her, even to the point of not taking "no" for the answer when it is coming to affection is the goal.

Letting your woman feel like you can have any woman in the world, yet choose her because she is pleasing to you is the goal.

Letting your woman know you are happy and successful with or without her, yet desire her to be a part of your happiness, is the goal.

For the good man to do these things, is the cure for his woman's insecurity and will instead light the sexual fire of attraction burning brightly in your woman for you.

I wish you well.