Chesley

By Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW more information about the author at Welcome to Parenting Specialist - Counseling services in the Austin, Texas area

What Are The Negative Effects of Divorce on Children?

Most children are confused, afraid, hurt, sad, angry, and anxious when they sense or are told about their parents’ divorce. Interestingly, these are the same emotions that their parents often experience during the divorce process. It is no secret that there are many possible negative effects children experience both during and after a divorce. These negative effects are exacerbated when parents are fighting over “custody” and minimized when parents make parental decisions together, out of sincere concern for their children’s needs. The list of potential negative effects is long and includes:

• Sadness and depression
• Anger, aggression, and acting out
• Opposition and non-compliance
• Impulsivity
• Perceived parental loss
• Less parental supervision, consistent discipline and/or contact
• Loss of extended family relationships
• Lower academic achievement
• Interpersonal conflict
• Economic difficulty
• Stress
• Lower self-concept
• Problems with social adjustment

What Does A “Custody Battle” Do To Families? (Promotes War)

Many divorcing parents deny that the soon to be ex-spouse is still part of their family. However, the fact that they have divorced does not end the parenting relationship. Even though they do not live together, they often have contact in relation to the children at least until the youngest child is eighteen and often longer. In a custody battle, the parents are trying to “prove” which parent is the best parent, instead of each parent being the best parent they can be. Instead of managing their negative emotions and working together to find the best ways to utilize both parents’ strengths, parents often put their children in the middle and play “tug-a-war”. As this legal war goes on each parent uses their time, energy, and resources to “fight” in court over who is the best. As they do this, they often belittle and try to discredit the other parent. What are the messages children getting from this “parental behavior”? Children learn:

• To discredit others
• To be secretive
• To not trust one or both parents
• To get your way at all costs
• To hide the fact that they love the other parent
• The list goes on and on

How Can Parenting Coordination Help? (Promotes Peace)

In almost every case, it is better for children to have continued contact with both parents. In every case it is best for children to be free of parental conflict. The fact that the parenting coordinator is impartial and therefore not aligning with either parent is paramount in the effectiveness of the parenting coordination process. This neutrality promotes a safe environment for parents. In this safe environment parents can put aside and manage the pain, disappointment, fear, anxiety, and grief associated with separation and divorce long enough to negotiate parenting solutions that not only utilizes the strengths of both parents but also keep the needs of the children as a top priority. During the parenting coordination process a skilled mental health professional uses skills learned over many years of education and experience to help parents:

• Manage their emotions
• Communicate more effectively
• Learn about impacts of conflict on children
• Learn about children’s developmental needs
• Negotiate appropriate post-divorce or separation boundaries
• Identify their children’s needs
• Identify mutually agreeable parenting goals
• Brainstorm options to meet goals
• Evaluate options to reach agreements within legal guidelines

With a signed consent for exchange of information, the parents and the parenting coordinator are free to communicate with the parent’s legal council to exchange any necessary information. This freedom is helpful as it comes time for the parenting coordinator to record written agreements, in such a way as to make drafting of the final documents more efficient. Once the parenting coordinator has helped the parents come up with agreements that fit their family’s needs, he/she forwards the information to both attorneys.
An added benefit of the parenting coordinator is her/his availability through the years as the family’s needs change. When children’s needs change or if conflict arises between the parents, the same parenting coordinator, knowing the background and how their agreements were reached, can be available to consult with the parents to re-negotiate agreements instead of starting a law suit.

When Is Parenting Coordination Best Utilized?

Parenting coordination can be chosen by the parents, on their own, or at the request of their attorneys at any point in the divorce or separation process. Beginning the process sooner allows for greater potential to minimize negative effects. However, it is also beneficial after parents have already spent countless hours and many resources in a “custody battle”. When parents are ordered by the court to engage in parenting coordination, there is still much potential for improved outcomes for the family. So, when is parenting coordination best utilized? The answer put simply is: the sooner the better but anytime is better than not at all!!