Beware the Enemies of Effective Communication
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Counseling and Professional Help »Articles » Beware the Enemies of Effective Communication

Articles Written by professional counselors and therapists.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 08-07-2010, 02:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 8
Default Beware the Enemies of Effective Communication

No matter how much you really want and need to get your point across to your partner, there are a number of methods of communication that are strictly off limits. Using them will get you nowhere productive.

These methods include, but are not limited to the following:

• Sarcasm

• Mockery

• Name-calling

• Contempt

When you are sarcastic toward your partner, you create a couple of issues. First, if you are both upset, s/he may not realize that you’re being sarcastic to begin with. You may not be discussing the same issue in the end and you may have no idea where the other is coming from. Second, sarcasm can be a way of belittling your partner during an argument. True, it may be a slightly more sophisticated method of condescension than used on the average elementary schoolyard, but it’s playing dirty nonetheless.

Mockery, be it in pretending that you’re on your partner’s “side” when you aren’t, or be it speaking in your partner’s voice, is flat-out mean and is therefore out of bounds.

Name-calling may be as low as one could go in this field and shouldn’t really be included in the same ballpark as communication. Calling names can include foul language or calling the other any number of terms, and as adults, you should both be sensitive to what is unacceptable here. Just pull back a minute and think first – what would your reaction be to having these titles hurled in your direction?

Last is the hardest to resist, because in polite society, some may find it passable. This is when you dig up all the dirt from the beginning of your relationship and even predating that. Really, what’s the purpose? Just making him/her feel worse won’t make your partner open up and help solve the issue.

Think a few times before you let the temptation grab your mouth and whip out those damaging words.

• Is this going to help us deal with the issue?

• Is it hurtful for no reason?

• Is it disrespectful to my partner?

Think well, because once the words are out of your mouth, they are out and retracting them isn’t so simple. We human beings do not have a delete button, so handle with care.
RachelMoheban is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 08-23-2010, 11:27 AM   #2 (permalink)
jdj
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 35
Default Re: Beware the Enemies of Effective Communication

Is there a way for me to make my wife understand this without her thinking I'm manipulating her? (I mean digging up old stuff). She has this vault in her brain where everything I've ever said or done that has upset her is stored and she can bring them out anytime she chooses, and does often. Even stuff that happened when we were teenagers!! I regret lots of things and wish I could change them but obviously I can't. But I don't want to keep reliving them and feeling bad!
jdj is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-24-2010, 12:17 PM   #3 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Near Chicago
Posts: 3,311
Default Re: Beware the Enemies of Effective Communication

Well said, M22.
__________________
~Swedish

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein
swedish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-26-2010, 03:29 AM   #4 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 4,724
Default Re: Beware the Enemies of Effective Communication

Quote:
Originally Posted by jdj View Post
Is there a way for me to make my wife understand this without her thinking I'm manipulating her? (I mean digging up old stuff). She has this vault in her brain where everything I've ever said or done that has upset her is stored and she can bring them out anytime she chooses, and does often. Even stuff that happened when we were teenagers!! I regret lots of things and wish I could change them but obviously I can't. But I don't want to keep reliving them and feeling bad!
Doctor doctor come quickly my wifeís historical. Historical? Surely you mean hysterical! No, sheís historical, she keeps bringing up the past!

Been there JDJ. I know itís not funny at all.

Hereís my conclusions.

They donít believe in forgiveness. My wife? ďI will never ever forgive you for thatĒ. That would come some 20 or so years after a supposed offence. And the first time she ever spoke of it.

They hang on to bitterness and resentment, passive anger and dislike for their spouse. While at the same time take all that their spouse gives to them.

The vault in their brain gets full of bitterness and resentment. The vault becomes a part of their psyche, a big part of their identity, of who they are. Very much like their two legs are part of their body. If they were to forgive they simply wouldnít know who they are anymore.

The historical supposed offence gets twisted beyond recognition over time. Itís reinforced by their thinking about it and talking about it to emotional confidents. Thatís how it stays so fresh in their mind.

Not one of the offences my wife accused me of was true, but they were based on an historical fact. Thereís a name for this, itís called confabulation. Itís worth looking it up.

The more you ask or teach her to forgive, the stronger the vault becomes. Why? Because if you are asking for forgiveness you must have done something seriously wrong.

Whatís the way ahead? Personal boundaries. See Boundaries for Men.

I got yet another false accusation based on an event some 7 years previously and stupidly ended up with a nervous breakdown. I put my boundaries up very quickly. I told my wife I will not tolerate one more recollection of past bad events.

She simply did not know what to do. She looked like she was in shock. Then she just went and trampled my boundary by calling up another supposed offence from ten years ago that had never been spoken of before.

It was enough for me and my marriage was over.

Bob
AFEH is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-26-2010, 04:29 AM   #5 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 4,724
Default Re: Beware the Enemies of Effective Communication

JDJ,
You are being persecuted for offences of long ago. It’s like a prison sentence without end. A lifetime prison sentence. It is serious abuse of who you are now.

I knew my wife would have gone on persecuting me in my 70s for supposed offences from decades ago. I suddenly woke up to that fact and couldn’t bear the thought of it.

How to continue being abused? Patience, tolerance, empathy, compassion for the persecutor, your wife, are what enables her to continue abusing you and you continue taking it. You are more likely a rescuer type person and your wife the persecutor/victim type person. It’s called the victim triangle or drama triangle. See Drama Triangle: The Three Faces of Victim by Lynne Forrest.

How to stop being abused? Intolerance. Personal boundaries. Rigidness. Inflexibility. “I will no longer tolerate that behaviour”. Your wife will see a changed man and you will feel a changed man.

In the drama triangle the way to get off of it is to become the persecutor. To go into attack mode instead of defence mode/rescue mode.

I’d had enough and the end of my 42 year relationship with my wife ended abruptly when I became intolerant, rigid and inflexible of her persecution of me. I’ve had to hold myself back from persecuting her.

Where do they get it from, this type of behaviour? From their parents. Look to your wife’s mother, she probably behaves in this way just like your wife does. This type of behaviour is singularly small minded.

Bob
AFEH is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-26-2010, 04:35 AM   #6 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 4,724
Default Re: Beware the Enemies of Effective Communication

JDJ,
A little experiment for you. Cast your mind back in time and recall an offence on you committed by your wife. Then out of nowhere accuse your wife of that offence.

Sit back and watch the way she responds. Itís very educational.

Bob
AFEH is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-24-2011, 04:13 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
charlene's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Europa
Posts: 189
Default Re: Beware the Enemies of Effective Communication

Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelMoheban View Post
ē Sarcasm

ē Mockery

ē Name-calling

ē Contempt
That's exactly how my husband talks to my. I''m trying to tell him that it''s not leading anywhere!
charlene is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-03-2011, 03:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 906
Default Re: Beware the Enemies of Effective Communication

I have the same problem. The answer is to make sure you criticize your wife for every little thing she does wrong. Or when she complains for nothing. Take your time over it. Make sure she will remember it. Then when the history lesson starts again, just answer her back with your own. She will soon get the message.
accept is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-29-2012, 11:06 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 40
Default Re: Beware the Enemies of Effective Communication

Well Done Dear!
Really a nice sharing !
Thanks for posting the information!
Emly is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
communication, fight fair, rachel moheban, therapist

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Effective communication anyone Jbear General Relationship Discussion 25 01-19-2012 11:52 AM
Talking like people...not enemies. DayDream General Relationship Discussion 1 10-28-2011 11:38 PM
Need to learn positive & effective communication with my husband over children etc... Kmw6062 The Family & Parenting Forums 0 02-10-2010 08:15 AM
Relationship Advice: The ABC's of effective communication Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. Articles 0 01-16-2008 07:43 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:49 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage