Originally Posted by jdj
Is there a way for me to make my wife understand this without her thinking I'm manipulating her? (I mean digging up old stuff). She has this vault in her brain where everything I've ever said or done that has upset her is stored and she can bring them out anytime she chooses, and does often. Even stuff that happened when we were teenagers!! I regret lots of things and wish I could change them but obviously I can't. But I don't want to keep reliving them and feeling bad!
Doctor doctor come quickly my wife’s historical. Historical? Surely you mean hysterical! No, she’s historical, she keeps bringing up the past!
Been there JDJ. I know it’s not funny at all.
Here’s my conclusions.
They don’t believe in forgiveness. My wife? “I will never ever forgive you for that”. That would come some 20 or so years after a supposed offence. And the first time she ever spoke of it.
They hang on to bitterness and resentment, passive anger and dislike for their spouse. While at the same time take all that their spouse gives to them.
The vault in their brain gets full of bitterness and resentment. The vault becomes a part of their psyche, a big part of their identity, of who they are. Very much like their two legs are part of their body. If they were to forgive they simply wouldn’t know who they are anymore.
The historical supposed offence gets twisted beyond recognition over time. It’s reinforced by their thinking about it and talking about it to emotional confidents. That’s how it stays so fresh in their mind.
Not one of the offences my wife accused me of was true, but they were based on an historical fact. There’s a name for this, it’s called confabulation. It’s worth looking it up.
The more you ask or teach her to forgive, the stronger the vault becomes. Why? Because if you are asking for forgiveness you must have done something seriously wrong.
What’s the way ahead? Personal boundaries. See Boundaries for Men
I got yet another false accusation based on an event some 7 years previously and stupidly ended up with a nervous breakdown. I put my boundaries up very quickly. I told my wife I will not tolerate one more recollection of past bad events.
She simply did not know what to do. She looked like she was in shock. Then she just went and trampled my boundary by calling up another supposed offence from ten years ago that had never been spoken of before.
It was enough for me and my marriage was over.