Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Articles Written by professional counselors and therapists.

User Tag List

 28Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 32 (permalink) Old 07-19-2015, 04:36 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 6
Re: Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?

Thank you for the article!

jesssmart is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 32 (permalink) Old 07-26-2016, 01:28 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Seattle
Posts: 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by jesssmart View Post
Thank you for the article!

Honestly, our two kids have mainly been a pain, or more specifically the years until they got at least 5. I want to throw up when people say "ohhhh, they grow so fast", or "they are so wonderful".

It really kills off sex life. It kills the work outs, you cannot sleep well. Then all the F-int parents that cone for every f*%# birth day, which it seems to be too many of.

All it takes to get ED for a week is to hear another crying kid.

Anyways, maybe this is too much doom&igloos, but I don't see tons of men that come stronger out of fatherhood. After 5 years of this Hell man is dying off.
DrSher is offline  
post #18 of 32 (permalink) Old 07-26-2016, 06:59 AM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,283
Re: Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?

Kids suck the life out of you, but in 15 to 20 years, you may be eligible for parole, and start to reintegrate into society - with or without your spouse.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
 
post #19 of 32 (permalink) Old 07-26-2016, 08:45 AM
Member
 
brooklynAnn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 1,207
Re: Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?

No one ever tells you what kids do to your marriage. They all act like it's a lovely storybook. It's not. It is hell.

My firstborn was a girl. Having her was a joy. I was so happy to be pregant after trying for three years. I had so much expectations and then........she came. I swear the kid came out judging me. When the nurse showed her to me, the girl looked into my soul and found me lacking. I was scared of her. Still am.

But she was perfect. The perfect baby, so well behaved. We took her everywhere we went. We went to dinner with her and she was quite and just watched everyone. She is an observer. She set us up really well by lying to us with all that perfection.

Because then the boy came. Lord help us for the next five years. If only I knew what was in store for us. It was hell. He slept the first six months on my chest. I slept in a different room with him for the first year of his life. All he did was cry and get sick. We were always at the doctor. We had sex once every six months. Giving birth to that boy messed up my body so badly. I was in pain for three years. No one ever talks about what giving birth does to your body.

We barely survived that boy. How we did it? I dont know. All I know is that it seemed like a bad dream and I am so happy it's over with. The only reason I kept the kid was because I love him so much. Otherwise, I would have happily given him to someone.

that boy was a terror and now he is a pain in my but* every day.

So dont bring kids in a shaky marriage. Because even in a strong marriage it would rock your foundation and leave it on shaky grounds.
brooklynAnn is offline  
post #20 of 32 (permalink) Old 07-26-2016, 10:53 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,792
Re: Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?

A friend of mine has the catch phrase "babies ruin lives".

I've seen it too many times. Some couples certainly are happy when they have a child, but most of the ones I know ended up considerably less happy. They of course hide it - its socially unacceptable to say "I wish I had never had kids", but I've been told that by several people in confidence.

The most common problem is couples who think that their lives will be the same, except with children. Children change everything.
uhtred is offline  
post #21 of 32 (permalink) Old 07-26-2016, 02:51 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 602
Re: Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?

Agree - our marriage certainly took a turn when the kids arrived (us having kids was different from most, without going into details). After the kids arrived, especially around the time they were a year old, stress went up exponentially. I've recounted the details way too much here - suffice to say things aren't the same. It's to the point that I don't like the wife going with us when I take the kids somewhere.
ChargingCharlie is offline  
post #22 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 04:25 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 37
Re: Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?

The divorce stats from those having higher order multiples is heart-breaking
gr8ful1 is online now  
post #23 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:18 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 90
Re: Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?

Not usually when they are both yours and the marriage is in tact and even when divorced.
Step kids are the kiss of death no matter if someone says it isn't. Either step parent will eventually despise them and then transfer the contempt back onto you. If you criticize discipline or say anything about them run because either step parent will forever rub it in your face. It is no Brady bunch moment. his or hers kids may or will make the visits or the live in arrangement miserable to the point of a child's potential in attempting to commit suicide because of being not liked or fitting in. I wish I left earlier, It really breaks my heart for ones own child not being a liked member of a blended family. Don't do it. The Kate plus eight millionaire dating Kate even ran for the hills.

Avoid step kids all together and do not place or allow your love interest, a man or woman, in that role, no matter how much in love you are. It doesn't work out. If there are successful Brady bunch parents out there, they are not in reality and in denial. RUN for the hills when you are divorced and either of you have kids at home. For your own sanity run away before it is to late.

Date and have fun, etc. The only way a man may only want to deal with step-kids if there is sex pay off. Once that wains, regardless who slows the romance and sex down, you are not loved anymore and the relationship is done. My experience.
Davidmidwest is offline  
post #24 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 06:30 PM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,283
Re: Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Davidmidwest View Post
Date and have fun, etc. The only way a man may only want to deal with step-kids if there is sex pay off. Once that wains, regardless who slows the romance and sex down, you are not loved anymore and the relationship is done. My experience.
So that's why it worked! The sex! Well, the kids were all gone a few years later, but the sex has not waned. Good timing and good luck for me!

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
post #25 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:22 AM
Member
 
Vinnydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 268
Re: Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?

We had no children but all of our friends and siblings who have kids divorced. I am not assuming that the kids are the cause of the divorce. However, after talking to them and seeing how much time they devote to their kids driving them here and there, shopping for them, taking care of them, etc., I can see where it would affect a marriage. Their marriage is no longer the focus of their lives, their children are. Children often cause arguments on how to raise them, who drives them where, who gives them permission that the other spouse dose not agree with, etc.. Then there is the way they drain you until you are exhausted by the end of the day and too tired for sex. Husbands start to view their wives as mothers, and wives view their husbands as fathers. Kids take priority and the whole dynamic that existed pre children is drastically changed.

All of my friends swore that having kids would not change their lives but we all know how they were very naive. As a childless couple it does get annoying to visit friends or go out to eat with them and listen to how smart their kids are and how they are winning trophies for participation in every sport they play. Every child must be very smart because I never hear a parent say that their child is dumb.

Obviously people must have children and they do bring joy to most parents but there is no doubt that they also can bring stress and strife to a marriage too as much as financial difficulties to. The more areas of potential problems and stress you have in a marriage, the more your marriage is at risk. We neither had children or money issues in our 44+ year marriage which allowed me to mover as many at twice in one year to further my career which is why I make good money. No worries about school for my kids. Let's face it, kids coast a fortune to raise and put through college. We had all that money to spend on ourselves to provide us a lifestyle most would envy.

Naturally our friends with kids talk about all the emotional benefits of having children provide. I understand that but you cannot miss what you never had. Plus we find out dogs to be enough to take care of our emotional needs. I am all in favor of people having kids since I do not wish our species to die out. I do have nieces and nephews as well as god children to play with as they were growing but giving them back to their parents was enjoyable too.

You can look at us childless couples the same way you look at a Prius owner, we are not contributing to over population.


Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality. Most accept whatever morality they are born into, much like religion and then somehow feel that theirs is the true path and are superior to others with different beliefs.
Vinnydee is offline  
post #26 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 03:02 AM
Member
 
As'laDain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,144
Re: Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?

my marriage was absolute fvcking crap when we had our daughter. our daughter had nothing to do with that, however.

my marriage got better because i was determined to make it a good marriage. we struggled, we fought, we figured it out.

we want more kids...

"The ecologist is continually having to look at the aspects of nature with which he is unfamiliar and perforce must be an amateur for much of his working time.... professionals may carp at omissions, misconstructions, or even downright errors in these pages. perhaps ultimately they may forgive them for the sake of the overall vision that only the amateur, or the ecologist, blithely sets out to experience."G. Evelyn Hutchinson
As'laDain is offline  
post #27 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 03:30 AM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 10,915
Cool Re: Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?

While I've seen a lot of couples have marriages without the benefit of children, most couples have made either a wanted or unwanted pledge to have them!

Where the problem comes in is when one of the two parents shirks their duty to father or mother them in such a way that would be productive, preeminently doing what it is that they want to do, and leaving the vast majority of the child rearing work to the other spouse!

I, for one, am so very thankful to my Lord and Savior that I absolutely was at the epicenter of bringing my two boys up seeing them from sheer infancy all the way to marching across University stages to procure their degrees and see them turn themselves into productive and loving young Christian men!

Let's just say that as their father, and knowing that they came from a divorced and troubled home because of their mothers bi-polarism and poor choices in life, with the God-given fortitude to have helped me make the right decisions for them in order to have fostered and enriched their lives, well, as the old gospel song goes, "I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now!"

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 02-01-2017 at 03:35 AM. Reason: Edification
arbitrator is online now  
post #28 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 04:41 AM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 944
Re: Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?

More than one study shows that having children creates stressors in ANY relationship. Instead of me and the wife justing wanting to GO OUT and DOING IT... er... no. We have a young child. Need to make baby sitting arrangements first. Buy clothes, buy toys (which *WE* do enjoy doing as well). So it's obvious we have less time for each other. The child effects our sex life since he likes to climb into bed and cuddle with us or we fall asleep in a heap. So I've been cok-blocked at least 100 times because he wakes up when we are trying to do it, about to do it or in the middle of doing it.

You have to get them a room to sleep and play, cook for them - be parents. We have just a single child that keeps us quite busy. I don't see how people can have 3, 5 or more children.

Worst mistake people do (usually women) is get pregnant to "save the marriage" which results in more misery and more likely someone is going to cheat. Never do that..

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #29 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 06:47 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 88
Re: Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?

Parenting has been one of the most difficult and stressful things for my husband and me. We had been marrried for several years before we our daughter. We were used to having all the free time to ourselves and with 2 very decent incomes essentially lived a worry free life. We figured we were financially stable enough, we both had finished our master's level education and had steady jobs. We decided why not?

Unfortunately having a child as a person with an existing history of depression and anxiety was not the smartest move. I was completely unprepared for dealing with the sleepless nights and all other things that come with what typically happens with having very yoing children. I went through terrible post partum depression and worst of all in a misguided attempt to "not be neglectful or abusive like my mother" I made my daughter the center of my world. Terrible mistake. My poor husband became almost non-existant and I lived for my daughter. I figured she needed all my love and attention because she is just a helpless child.
I look back in horror at those years where I neglected my husband. Back then I did not see how wrong I was. I simply wanted to be an excellent mother. I kept telling myself that soon my little girl would be independent enough to not need me as much and everything would be okay. The problem is that at 8, my daughter is of course a lot more independent than she was as an infant but still needs guidance and attention. My husband is a wonderful father who is a lot more relaxed than I am and to be truthful a lot more fun. He was always extremely helpful and truly involved as a father should be but even so our little one still takes up a lot of time and energy from both of us.

Needless to say hubby and I have decided against having any more kids. I have a great deal of difficulty focusing and properly devoting time, energy and attention to my marriage and as a parent. I feel like I struggle making the right balance. For example, why do I feel terribly guilty about taking a day off frlm work to myself while my child is in school? Do I not deserve a day of quiet to get things done around the house or to simply enjoy myself?
Hubby and I have been taking off from work or working from home at least 2 days every month while our daughter is in school. Free babysitting and several hours of fun for us two! I have come to learn that my marriage needs to be nurtured and that means setting time to give my husband all the love and attention he deserves. The best gift we can give our daughter is happy parents who love each other deeply. Of course it took me almost a decade to figure it out.
Finally, at times I have seen others who seem to thrive as parents and I truly admire them. Some people make excellent parents. But I for one will not go around trying to convince others tha their lives would be meaningless without kids. Not ever. I already raise my daughter in a way that she sees marriage and parentin as simply choices to be made out of an array of other different choices and not one is the right one for all. Each of us has to find our own path and accept what we are capable of. I make a good enough mother and an awesome aunt. I strive to make an excellent wife and mother but for me it is a struggle. Thankfully I can count on my husband's support when it comes to parenting. As for our marriage, I have learned to make it a priortiy in my life once again and both hubby and I are getting to enjoy its results.
Itwasjustafantasy is offline  
post #30 of 32 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 06:53 AM
Member
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,006
Re: Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?

Will having kids ruin a marriage?

Not having any of my own (yet) I can't answer from personal experience, but having raised my siblings from babies (big age gap between us) and having watched many, many friends become parents, right now my answer would be: only if you let them.


If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.

~ A.A. Milne
Satya is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
marriage, new baby, new parents, parenting

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My crazyness could ruin my marriage.. please help! thehunterswife General Relationship Discussion 9 01-25-2013 03:16 PM
this site is going to ruin my marriage!!! NewtoThisMarriageThing Coping with Infidelity 26 11-08-2012 11:57 AM
Will he ruin our marriage? Advice pls smurfetteh General Relationship Discussion 0 09-24-2012 07:57 PM
Fear sex will ruin marriage AnonymousK Sex in Marriage 8 09-28-2011 11:36 AM
did antidepressants ruin my marriage tlee Physical & Mental Health Issues 3 06-04-2009 08:39 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome