whereever99999

My marriage has no emotions. I have not been able to be intimate at all with my husband for 15 years because of his medications. I do not love him. My daughter is getting married in April and I hate to upset her about marriage. I do not have the finances to leave. I am 59 years old and so unhappy I am about to explode. We do not even sleep in the same bed. I am lonely and feel so starved for affection.

noola

I've going to give you the advice someone gave me. Unfortunately, I was a total mess and couldn't follow through on the advice, even though I wanted to! But here it is.

It seems pretty obvious that you do not want to be married any more. Don't worry about your daughter's marriage or your husband's medications right now. You have to think about yourself and what you are going to do and how you are going to do it.

First I recommend visiting your local public law library, or your public library, and figure out your rights, both as a married person and if you decide to go into divorce. I understand it's really scary right now, and a lot of that is because you lack a lot of information. Don't just go to the online forums. Figure out what your state's laws are. A librarian should be able to help, but even if not, keep looking.

Finances are a concern. Again, check your rights for alimony. Go to the community college and talk to a career counselor. Start going on job interviews. Who cares if it's for Starbucks

Get as independent as you possibly can. Prepare yourself and get yourself in a position of advantage. You probably don't want to hurt your husband, but it sounds like you need to get away. Is there someone you can visit? Someone you can call? You're not sleeping in the same bed as your husband; are you sleeping in the same room? Can you make a room of the house into your own?

Consider all the possibilities. Get your ducks in a row. When you feel calm and ready to ACT on your decision, talk to your husband and tell him you have MADE your decision. The details are just details-- they come after the decision. It sounds like you have already decided.

I didn't get this advice early enough, and I practically ran out of the house in the middle of the night, I just couldn't stand being with my husband for one more minute! In retrospect, it seems a little dramatic, but I was completely overwhelmed and stressed and unhappy. It's really hard when you feel like you're about to explode; I felt the same. I hope you can keep from blowing up, unlike me

Sorry for the length, I hope I've helped.

lastinline

whereever99999, no intimacy at all for 15 years because of his meds really? WTF is he on, Seroquel and Thorazine? Regardless, you sound terribly sad and desperate.

First and foremost, let your husband know where you are at. I am not saying he'll change. I obviously don't even know the man. I'm just saying that that would be the right first step, and every journey begins with a single step. LIL

whereever99999

Thank you for replying, both of the posts gave me info to look at and consider. I do realize now that all the reasons that I stayed with my husband were all the wrong reasons but I learned this too late. I didn't want to divorce because of my daughter. I have given up so much of my life. I want a partner to show affection and to receive affection from also. I know I have to make a step towarding helping myself. Thank you again.

shotzi

I just registered in this site, but have been where you are. I was married 32 years and starved as well. My husband sucked the life out of me. He is an insecure man who believes a wife should be his property. There for his every need. No respect for me as an individual & I lived that way raising our three children. He is jealous of anything I do that does not involve him...whether it be watching TV...or not going to bed when he does. I ran out in the middle of the night. Experienced freedom and felt alive for the first time I could remember. Went through a horrific divorce. I am disabled. He told our children he would make life hard on me so I would take him back. Financially, broke after paying an attorney that took me to the cleaners. I didn't know anyone & didn't have a penny. My adult children always saw Daddy as the good guy and me the B*&^( cuz I had to be the disciplinarian. He never wanted the divorce. After two years, I felt sorry for him and helped him out. I don't know what's in store for me...I am trying to stick to my guns, making him respect me as an individual, but it's difficult. I'm 51 years old. It was lonely and scary by myself. You would be wise to get your ducks in order! Just know that the grass isn't always greener on the other side...maybe talk to him and tell him what you need and ask if he is willing to make an honest effort to save your marriage. That would be my suggestion. SORRY THIS IS SOO LONG. I hope it helps!

whereever99999

Thank you for your help and I am so sorry for the way you have been required to live also. I would talk to my husband but after so long I just don't love him anymore. He is unable to be intimate and I would like to have someone close to me again in my life, I have been thinking that the grass isn't always greener but I am so miserable. He stays on the computer or watching TV when he is home. When I am not working, I do housework or read or just watch TV alone. Its a very lonely life. I also would really hate to tell my daughter that we are divorcing since she is about to marry and I wonder if it would ruins things for her at this time. I just feel so alone and lost. Thank you again.

Paul Bennett

Dear Whereever99999,

You are living in a world of your own creation. The limitations on you are, for the most part, limitations you have imagined.

You feel helpless; you are not. You imagine consequences of your actions when you have no idea what the real consequences might be. You have power far greater than you can possibly imagine now to create a life that you love.

This is probably very difficult for you to accept, now, hearing it form inside the world you are creating for yourself all the time. Give yourself a gift: go to this site...(Landmark Education: The Landmark Forum, Landmark Education seminars, courses, and programs for Landmark Forum graduates), and explore a course called the Landmark Forum. Your view of your world could change in a single weekend.

All the best,

Paul