I Don't Want A Divorce, She Does
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 12-26-2009, 12:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I Don't Want A Divorce, She Does

Hello all....hope everyone had a nice Christmas.

My wife and I have been married for 7-1/2 yrs. Together for 10yrs. We have 3 children (6,4, and 2). I really don't know where to begin as things I'm finding out now, I didn't know before. We used to argue a lot. I haven't always been so easy to communicate with. I've always loved my wife, never cheated on her or even wanted to, never hit her, never degraded her. I've never called her names either. But, most of the times we argued I'd raise my voice /yell. If i felt something wasnt right, or if there was no clear answer, I'd hold a grudge about it. Usually, it was financial stuff, but sometimes I'd get an attitude from her or she'd get one from me and an arguement would soon follow. This year has been especially bad because it wasn't until April that she told me how she was really feeling. She told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. All summer, I worked at fixing the things within myself that bothered her. In that time, she became consumed with social networking websites. It all began with myspace, then facebook, then YoVille, then Poker (not for real money), then Tagged. She was (and still is) talking to so many different people (men). Soon, instant messaging turned into text messaging which turned into phone conversations.........many of them. We talked about working things out and I did a lot. The one thing that I slacked off on was affection. It was hard to be affectionate when I knew she continued on with this social networking behavior. I'm no angel, folks. I accepted responsibility for the things I've done (and didn't do) that upset her. She says she doesn't want to try anymore, doesn't want to stay. I'm devastated. I haven't argued with her since April. I've listened to everything she has had to say. I've done practically everything she wanted me to do. I feel so hopeless. I've had failed relationship in the past and thought THAT hurt. But, I never really knew what true love felt like until the day I realized I was in love with my wife. When we married, I felt like a king. I know I cannot change her free will. For all intense purposes, based off of everything she said to me, I know its over....regardless of what I've done to prevent it. I guess I just needed a way to let it all out. A part of me still wants to try to find a way to salvage this. Its hard to combat " I don't want to try anymore, I don't want to stay, I'm not in love with you"
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Old 12-26-2009, 09:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Don't Want A Divorce, She Does

I feel your pain, Im sorry for you. I got the 'I dont love u any more' speach, and then noticed how my wife was always on Facebook, always texting, instant messaging, secretive phone calls, all of it. I never noticed or worried about it before.

She denied anything was going on. Then I confronted her with what I found on the phone bill, 60-70-80-90 text's a day to 1 particular guy, then I found a pic of them together on FB. She closed the FB account, stopped texting him, I even called him and laid into him for an hour. All texting and calls have stopped, but sorry to say, the damage was already done.

Shes done with me, after 16 yrs of marriage, she's done and wants something else. What? I dont know, but its not me.

Midlife crisis has taken her over. She's not the same women she was a few months ago.

Being told I dont love u anymore does hurt, but she has said much worse then that since then, stuff I will never forgive her for, or be able to forget.

I wish u the best my friend, hang in there, I know its not easy, Im still living the pain everyday, only 9 weeks into this, and its getting worse instead of better for me.

My marriage is unfortuantly over too, been with this once wonderful women for 21 years, all she keeps telling me now is she wants a divorce.
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Old 12-29-2009, 08:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Don't Want A Divorce, She Does

Sorry to hear that too, danl. Yeah, there were a lot of hurtful things said here too. I believe my marriage was doomed from the beginning. I know people say things out of anger and maybe even say them to justify the way they currently feel. But in her case....I believe she meant every word she said. I've got 9yrs on my wife....when we met, she was 21 and I was 30. She still lived at home, never had a boyfriend, never really went out anywhere. She is the oldest of 4 children and helped her mom look after her siblings while her dad worked. We talked for a year before she moved to be with me. Lived together for 2 years before we got married. In all honesty, she really had no life-experience when we got together. This year, the truth came out. Things she said that totally blew me away:

1. Every day I ask myself why I jumped on the first thing to come along.

2. I regret marrying you

3. I married you for the wrong reasons

4. I married you because I didn't want to go back home and be under my parent's control and because I didn't think I'd be able to find someone else.

5. I only stayed with you because of the kids.

6. I was never really in love with you.

..........and the list just goes on. Its painful just to write this stuff down but in some weird way, Its also part of the healing process. Talk of divorce started back in April. We talked about things and agreed to work on it. All was going pretty well (so i thought) but the social networking never slowed down, the texts and phone calls never stopped. The lies continued. She was mostly upset over my decrease in showing affection. Its hard to show affection when you know you're being lied to. One person in particular that she talks to lives about an hour away. Around Thanksgiving, she said she wanted to see some family member that she hasn't seen a long time. I said fine. The next day, she wanted to go back......they were taking her out to dinner. So I stayed home with the kids while she went to dinner with this "family member". Turns out, she went out on date with this guy. Although she says she doesn't talk to him "that way" anymore........just as friends, the contact is constant. She said to me that her emotional health was at stake. My opinion is that it was ALWAYS at stake because of the reason why she married me. I was totally in love with her. She did not marry for love. I didn't want to believe that but when I look back on things, there were plenty of times when things just didn't make sense at all.....a situation or a conversation, a particular disposition. Again, I don't claim to have been an angel. I've had plenty of times when I could have talked about things without getting upset. But she could have been honest with me about things too. She has her mind set on a divorce. My only concern now is the kids. Ever since this all began, I was sure that the sight of divorce papers would drop me to my knees. Surprisingly.........it didn't. She obtained a do-it-yourself kit. Although I don't want a divorce, I'm accepting whats happening here. Its just so hard to overcome whats been said to me and what she's doing. That being said.......theres still an abundance of love in my heart for her. This really sucks. Sorry for the long post people. Again, I'm just trying to let it all out.
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Old 12-29-2009, 04:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Don't Want A Divorce, She Does

Sorry to hear about your guys situations - once again I have almost the identical myself and it has been about 6 months - only difference is she hasn't stated the want for the divorce yet. You can check out my other posts for some decent advice. So far the things that I've picked up that have helped me the most is
1) to check into counseling (talking it through helps as there aren't that many 'friends' you can have fully honest conversations with)
2) concentrate on yourself and what makes you happy - understanding yourself will help you going forward
3) concentrate on things for your self confidence - if you are like me you took a huge blow to your ego and that needs to be rebuilt
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Old 01-03-2010, 04:33 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Don't Want A Divorce, She Does

The same thing happened to me about six months ago and it is a very frightening thing when someone you have loved for such a long time appears to be a totally different person. It is also awful to hear the person say that they never really loved you, although my counselor said it is a defense line used to convince themselves that they are doing the right thing.
This is a daily battle and my advice and personal experience is stay very busy, go out as much as you can, and turn to friends. My friends were great.
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Old 01-05-2010, 01:44 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Don't Want A Divorce, She Does

Hi... I can feel you are really devastated but have you ever heard that saying While you are alive there is always going to be hope! I don't know your whole story but i know enough to tell you that if you know God call unto him he is the author of second chances. Ask him to give you wisdom on what to do. I also know of a very good relationship expert that has helped a lot of people restore their marriages. Her Name Is Amy Waterman. Take a look at this testimony:

"Save My Marriage was very instrumental in helping my husband and myself understand each other by learning to communicate love words, to respect each others space, and to speak up when annoyed and not harbor anger. We were on the verge of divorce, thinking there was no way to repair the damage. Save My Marriage was a God send and we thank you so very much. After years of misgivings we are happy that we joined Save My Marriage and we worked it out and stayed together. We will celebrate our 27th anniversary this year!"

-- Fred and Maureen B. (Putnam Valley, NY)
Give it a chance, take a look!
I wish you the best!
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