Should a sexual connection be a deal breaker?

BrokenFrag · 03-31-2008, 12:25 PM

I have posted parts of my story over and over again trying to approach it from different perspectives so that I might understand it. To summarize, I married my best friend right out of college, we have been married for almost 8 years. We love each other, we are each other's best friend, we share lots of little connections and laugh alot. She recently started pulling away, then had an emotional affair with a coworker for several months. After much discussion, it has come down to sexual connections and attraction. She no longer finds me sexually attractive (and can't make that connection any more), and even thinks that she may never haver really found me attractive. She was my first love and lover and I have never had a lot of confidence in the bedroom, she was never able to put in the effort to help me and as a result I got more and more insecure until finally we stopped having sex. She is now contemplating divorce so that she can find someone she is more sexually attracted to.

First, how important is sexual attraction in a LONG TERM relationship? Most relationships won't get off the ground without at least something there (and we definitely had it at the beginning), but it inevitably fades and becomes something else more comfortable if we are lucky.

Second, if you have been married as long as we have and everything else matches up well, should it be a deal breaker?

I can completely understand her feelings and why she feels the way she feels. What I can't understand is why she wants to throw away not only a good marriage, but also a great friendship just so she can have better sex. Sex fades, bodies decay, and all you are left with is the underlying relationship.

I believe that she once found me attractive, and that she can again. My problem is that we are in a circular dance around the issue. I can't become sexually confident without her help, but she won't help me until she finds me attractive again. And even if we regained what we had (which she is doubtful of), she doesn't even know if that would be enough. She is fixated on what we don't have and has completely forgotten or ignored what we do have.

Any one have opinions or advice? Thanks.

Liza · 03-31-2008, 02:00 PM

Normally it's the man who wants to leave because he is not getting his sexual drive satisfied. However, you may need to see a counsellor to help with your sexual problems. She needs to be willing to work it through tooo, hopefully she will come to her senses before it's too late.

You are right, sex is not all, especially when you have a great friend in your spouse, that normally makes a world of difference. All the best with your struggles though.

draconis · 03-31-2008, 09:56 PM

It always takes two people working on a relationship to make it work and although sex isn't the catch all of a relationship it is more then physical pleasure, it is also a mental, emotional and chemical (your brain releases chemicals that bond you during orgasm) connection. For many people they want the whole package, sex included and divorce is way to easy now a days.

Is there a reason she might find you less attractive like you put on 50 pounds?

One thing I often suggest is going to the gym. It helps release chemicals that satisfy sexual tension, makes you look better and helps you to be more confident with yourself.

draconis

BrokenFrag · 04-01-2008, 03:53 AM

Draconis, both of us have put on weight over the years. And while it may have caused some of the problems, I don't think it is at the root cause.

When it comes down to it, she wants to be able to look into my eyes during sex and feel a connection. I do too, and I know we haven't had that for a long time. The biggest problem is that we didn't know it was a problem because we were such good friends and it hid how bad the marriage was getting. Now, she thinks their is no recourse. It would be more work to make the marriage successful than it would be to divorce and try again with someone else. She knows what we have, and she knows that their might not be anything out there for her, but she just can't muster up the strength of character to try for us.

I have hit the gym for the last week and a half now, and I feel better, and already am starting to look better. The problem is that it will take time to get fit again like I was in college. I don't know if I have that time with my wife. She feels no need to fix herself, no need to fix our marriage, even though she will be very sad that it broke. I don't understand why she is willing to accept all that.

Sempron · 04-01-2008, 02:24 PM

I feel there must always be a physical attraction between partners. Emotional attraction only helps the relationship but it has to have physical attraction as well.