Hurtssomuch

I will check to see what numbers have been called. I really hope this is not the case or our marriage is over for sure. I don't think I would be able to forgive him for that.

Hurtssomuch

Well I checked the phone records and his cell phone texts and there is no strange # that he has been talking to. I was pretty sure there was no OW but I am glad I checked to really easy my mind.

He came over last night as it was our son's birthday and he told our son that he hasn't even had anyone over at his apartment. My H is a very honest man and I am sure he would have told me if there was an OW. If there was an OW I could understand this but without there being one it is very hurtful that he would just walk out on us.

turnera

Ok, then, I'm glad you checked, so you know what you're dealing with. Bottom line, we do what makes us feel good, and avoid what makes us feel bad. Your mission, if you choose to accept it (lol), is to make YOU what makes him feel good.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. Ask him to fill them out for you, as a 'learning' thing, so that you will know what you did wrong. Don't have to tell him you're trying to win him back; just say you want to learn and grow, to see what you did wrong.

Once he fills them out, study them. Learn what the Love Busters are - those things that YOU did that made him unhappy. Could be as complicated as unconsciously putting him down to as simple as blowing your nose where he can hear it. Find out what they are, and make sure you NEVER do them again in his presence! He won't notice you doing anything, but he may feel less...stressed... in your presence. Without knowing why.

Then, look at his EN questionnaire and see what his top 5 ENs are. This is very important: you need to be the ONLY person meeting these top ENs. Could be recreation (doing sports he likes, etc.), or domestic support (a spotless house or his favorite meal cooking), or conversation...whatever they are...figure out how to meet those needs whenever you do spend time together. Even if it's just for 15 minutes. Plan your time very carefully, if he isn't living at home. You have to make EVERY minute count! If he won't fill out the forms, do your best to figure out what he would have said, and fill them out for him. Or try to subtlely include questions into your conversations with him to help you fill it out.

Bottom line, you need to make him see YOU as happiness for him. You can do this!

Hurtssomuch

Thanks Turnera some good advice I am not sure if he will fill out the questionnaires. The problem is he does not know if he even wants to be with me. He moved out so he could think about what he wants. It has been 6 days since he moved out and we have only talked a few times. He has text messaged me though. He has asked me to give him time so I don't want to push him or he will run for sure. It is very stressful situation, I don't want him to think I don't care or don't love him anymore but I don't want to be pushy either.

He is suppose to come over tomorrow and be with the kids so I will see if he sticks around or if he picks them up and leaves. I want to talk to him about things but I am not sure how to go about doing it so he doesn't think I am pushing him. I am sure
6 days is not very long for him to figure out if he wants to be with me or not but I also don't want him to string me a long for a long time and then he decide it is over.

turnera

Is this what HE said? That if you push him he will run?

Hurtssomuch

No that is not what he said that is just what I think. So I guess really I don't really have anything to lose by talking to him it's not like we are together now anyway. I am just trying not to be needy.

turnera

There's a thing called DJ - Disrespectful Judgement - at marriagebuilders.com. It means that you ASSUME what you think your spouse will do. BIG mistake. STOP assuming. ASK.

DJs are a VERY dangerous thing to allow in a marriage. Why? Because you are eliminating conversation. Conversation can CURE problems in a marriage.

TALK to him.

Atholk

He's having sex with someone else if he's learning new tricks.

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