My husband is not happy and is thinking about leaving. When I ask him what he wants he says he does not know, he wants me to be patient and give him some time. We are still in love which makes it hurt even more. I have not been the nicest person to him over the years and he is not sure if he can get over the way I have treated him. I had no idea it was this bad and know I don't know what to do. I do not want our marriage to be over. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. If he leaves it is going to hurt so much I don't know what I am going to do. We have 2 children. Please is there is anyone else going through the same things I would like to hear from you.
Maybe you could ask him if seeing a counselor together would help with your communication skills? You say you weren't the nicest to him, nobody is nice all the time so I feel you. I am guessing he isn't feeling appreciated as well. Check with him and see if you can go together and learn to communicate to each other in a way that leaves you both happy.
I am in a similar situation like you. My H wants time. To make a long story short, he fell out of love for me. We've been married for 22 years. He has had 5 affairs. He is not leaving me for another woman. But he has his ad out on the dating sites looking for 'friends'.
He said he needed space to find out if he could get his love back. That dating these women will hopefully make him realize what type of woman he is giving up. I've been a faithful best friend, companion and outstanding lover to him.
Today was our official separation day. Due to finances, we are still living in the same house but different bedrooms. I love him so much. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him too and grow old with him. But I was advised that we cannot make anyone want or love us.
It is really hard on me too. I pray that you find the your peace while you are going through this ordeal.
I asked him if wanted to go and see a counselor but he said not right now he is not ready. He says it's like a cloud hanging over him and it is foggy and he doesn't know anything. I am trying to get through this but it is really hard when you don't know what is happening.
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He has told me there is no other woman and I believe him. What he has said to me is over the years he lost his confidence, his self esteem, he said I never complimented him and made him feel good about himself so he doesn't think he is attractive or very worthy and now he is starting to get that back.
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Sounds like your husband has developed depression. I'm not a therapist but it would be worth seeking some professional and spiritual advisor for him and you. I've been through what is called Cognitive Behavior Therapy to deal with my depression as a result of what is going on in my life. Ask a professional and see if this type of therapy is right for the both of you.
you have almost the same situation as I do. I feel like your husband. I guess my main problem is i have tried to keep things together for so long. for years my wife would yell and complain I would argue back. the past couple years i just asked her to stop and that if she kept it up she would take it beyond repair. Well that happened. She has honestly done everything lately for fear of divorce. I tried to stay together for the children 11 & 12 but i fear it only makes it worth. each morning it is a chore to get through the day. I hope for night so i can sleep (which i can't) just to get to the next day. we are going to see a conseuler but i am sure it is too late. i cannot keep this up.,
How exactly do you have a trial separation in the same house?
Answer, you can't
He needs to move out if he is the one who needs a separation.
You can't have reconciliation without some away time.
He needs to know if he is going to miss you, miss the kids, miss his house or miss his life.
How are you financially?
Can you make it without him around?
Once this process starts, it has to run to the end.
Otherwise, there will always be a question in everybody's mind and it will rear up again.
There is a road of hurt ahead for both of you and the children.
Feel it, cry, cry some more, let it go over you then let go of it.
Your feelings will become like waves against a wall, keep the wall short in your mind so the feelings will go over you. The bigger you build the wall and ignore your feelings the bigger the fall you will have later when the wall breaks.
Abuse every friend you have or strangers or co-workers, keep it positive never cast him in a bad light. When or if you reconcile these people will have a hard time relating to him in the future.
But a big caviat, never turn towards another man for support, use all the women you know. You could risk forming an emotional bond with a man while you pour out your heart and that would be the end of your marriage.
Always stop short of showing any negative emotion when the kids are around. Wait for when you are alone or with friends. Keep yourself on the high road, no negative comments about their father, never. Keep your morals, your character, keep who you are on the high road. Then you have nothing to regret later how ever it works out.
At this point, there is really no choice.
Keep a journal, electronic like here, or paper.
People let things go if they write it down.
Most of all, give him space, he needs to be out of the house. No separation in the house, otherwise you become the maid.
Keep the house, dishes, laundry and he gets to play with the kids and then leave anytime he wants.
Usually in life, the woman is the first to fall in love so the saying goes, first in, first out, last in, last out.
As long as you guys do not have the big problems like, addiction, abuse (verbal or physical), infidelity, illegal things, and money, although I never money was actually a problem with marriage but it can be a catalyst for divorce.
When he is out of the house, don't call him, if you do keep it short like for scheduling the kids. Don't talk about feelings on the phone, too easy to hang up. No pressure.
Don't ever use sex, let me repeat, don't ever use sex to get him back. It will never work.
Find some place to scream where other people will not hear you. For me I did it in the car all the time. Scream until you can't talk, cry, go to Cosco or Sam's and get big boxes of lotion tissue, it will come in handy. Go there, scream, rage, yell, beat things like sticks, throw rocks, whatever. It will help.
No alcohol, never, it will not help.
The last bit of advice I can give, it will get better, no matter how it goes or how dark it gets, you reconcile, you divorce. Somewhere down the road it will be better.
I promise. I never thought so at the time, but it is better for me, life changes, maybe he is not forever, maybe you are not forever for him. There will be something down the road. Even if you are religious or not, this phrase of somewhere God opens a window applies anyway or Fate opens a window.
Be good to yourself, I'll be here for you one way or another.
I want to believe that the problem is he is depressed that would make me feel better. I know that sound terrible but what I mean is than he won't leave me. We would have to work on depression if that is truly it. Part of me thinks that is what it is but I don't want to approach him about this because I don't want him to think that I think everything is okay between us. I may bring up the idea of going to see a therapist by himself. I really do think him going to see a therapist by himself would help him figure things out.
It is really hard pretending things are okay. Kids don't know that dad is thinking about leaving. I am trying to put on a good front for them but it is getting really hard. Just simple things like sitting at the dinner table and having supper together hurt.
I am not sure how much more of this I can take. He has to make up his mind soon or I am going to loose my mind.
Watched a TV program that I watch all the time earlier today and a couple was getting remarried I started to cry, this hurts so much.
Need help and advice from anyone who has gone through or is going through this.
I can tell you that on a few occasions my H or I have asked for a divorce. The last time was last fall. We had a fight over him letting my oldest son ride in the front seat of his truck instead of the back. ( He was only 5 and I was pissed). Out of nowhere my H tells me he wants a divorce. He isn't happy. He needs time to think about what he wants. It isn't selfish to want to be happy. That is what I heard for two weeks. So I said okay. You want out, there is the door. I got the number for a lawyer from a friend, got figures on what I wanted in Child support, etc and started looking for apartments near my family. Once I stopped worrying about him and started worrying about ME he decided he wanted counseling to try and work it out lol. And guess what the counselor told him? Your wife has been carrying this marriage for years while you sat there and let her. Now its your turn. Talk about words to scare someone. He thought the counselor was going to sit down look at me and tell me I was a horrible wife. Instead he sat down and let my H know he was lazy and being selfish. *Gee, sounds like I was right* I will tell you this. Sitting there and waiting for him, catering to him will get you nowhere. That just means you are doing everything you can while he sits there and takes it all for granted.
This whole mess is about him being happy, he says he's at a point in his life he wants to be happy and be with someone that makes him happy.
I think our marriage is part of the problem but I think he is depressed but I don't want to approach him on this because he will think I am not taking him serious about the separation. I would like him to go to counselling for himself, I think he needs someone to talk to, someone not involved with our mess. I am not sure if he would do that. I asked him last week if he wanted to go and see a counsellor but he said he did not want to do that.
I have decided to go to counselling for myself.
One way or the other I want to get better for myself and children.
I have told him I will not fight him on the separation if that is what he wants. But again he says he needs time. It's like I am sitting around waiting for my life to blow up.
Even the other day I sat with him and tried to figure out what I would need to be able to keep the house and support myself and children.
Hurts so much. Im not saying this is the case with you but my husband needed time. Then he needed more time, so while he was having time I got bored and started doing some snooping. I went through his car and found a letter. I recorded him while he was talking to her on the phone. He denied it even when I had proof. So it wasnt really time my husband wanted it was to stay where he was in the house and with the kids but completely disband his relationship with me. Im not saying your husband is... but if you find some extra time on your hands you might want to check a few things just to be sure.
My husband wants time 
Re: My husband wants time 
