Okay to start the story off, my husband and I met 6-1/2 years ago, we have been married 5-1/2 and have a 4 year old daughter. (Whom we both love and adore)
My husband and I have very different veiws on how a family with a child should act. Both my husband and I are very social people, and this last year I have been much less social, I don't want to go out on the weekends, I want to stay at home with my daughter and do family things where as he wants to still go out with the boys all the time. Which I put up with for about 2 years, then I started to notice a difference. He was coming home when ever he felt it was time to come home. Plus our bedroom life went down the toilet. (Also he had lost his job) So anyway, I ended up meeting someone and we had a texting relationship, we did kiss a couple of times, but nothing more than that, there was always something holding me back (I was married) Well my husband came across the text messages, and that was when everything really started. I tried to explaint hat what I did wasn't right and how sorry I was, but him being out all night and not wanting to be with me lead me to talk with this other man. We decided we were going to work it out, and things were great, until our first fight. Then it all came out again, how horrible I was and he called me every name in the book, but I was determind not to give up, and said to myself this is his anger talking he doesn't mean it, he just needs time. Well then things were okay for a while and another fight but worse. More name calling and verbal abuse. but I stuck it out again, and then this last argument he realized he can't make it work. I feel like I am falling apart, and I feel it is all my fault. BUT I do know that it takes two, and the reason I did what I did was because I was unhappy. Now my husband called me at work in the middle of the day to tell me he thinks it is best if we get a divorce. So I set up an appointment for my daughter with a counselor so she can talk with someone while we go through the process. But if anyone can tell me things that might help me get him back? I can't stand the thought of my daughter not having both of herreal parents at home every night. Having to deal with Step moms and step dads. I never wanted or dreamed of that for her. And I think about how happy we used to be and I know in my heart we could get back there, but only if he wanted to. Is there any advice any of you can give me? I can't eat or sleep which is causing major anxiety, and I just want my old life back? Please help.
Have you two been to a counselor together? To deal with the fall out of the texting/kissing incident AS WELL AS the differing viewpoints about raising kids? Has your husband taken any solid responsibility for his part in your mistake? Has he forgiven you (which is a process don't forget, it takes an effort to continually forgive every time the anger and bitterness surface again)? Have you calmly discussed with him ways to prevent the same scenarios happening again?
If he's saying that it's over, that doesn't mean give up. That means there are some difficult hurdles to jump and that you both need to work at it. If he's not willing to work however, it will be exhausting for you. Be prepared for that.
Sounds like a lot of trust has been lost on both sides. Trust is one of those nebulous things that can take an awfully long time to repair.
Primarily, both of you have to be committed to each other and to working through all of this -- a counselor would be a wonderful aid to help open up with one another, and possibly act as a mediator until the two of you can argue civilly on your own.
It's easy when someone's angry or their feelings are hurt to go right for the jugular and your husband, and yourself, need to resist going there. A moderator may help with that. Generally there's not much point in stirring up old s**t except to be vindictive and that's not very productive.
And if he just doesn't want to work it out, and genuinely wants to quit - then it may be less hurtful in the long run to just let go.
Thank you for all of your response, the more people that I have talked to the more I realize it isn't just my fault things went sour. They were that way before, and that is what lead me to do the "wrong thing" that I did, but I have realized now, that he will not accept his part in what happened, and we have decided the only thing left we can do is divorce. It breaks my heart, but I have to keep looking back at all the reasons I did what I did, and know that there is a man out there that will love me and want to be intimate with me and want to stay at home at night with me. And one day (not any time soon) I will find him, and this my husband will just then be the one who gave me the greatest gift our daughter.
" tried to explaint hat what I did wasn't right and how sorry I was, but him being out all night and not wanting to be with me lead me to talk with this other man."
He did NOT make you have an affair. Stop blaming your bad behavior on someone else's bad behavior.
If you want to pass on an honorable example to your daughter, you will STOP ALL COMMUNICATION with this other man - for good. Otherwise, she will learn from you and grow up to be a cheater, too.
If your marriage fails because the two of you won't care for and love each other, that's one thing. But if it fails because YOU have a man waiting in the wings, then you should be ashamed of yourself. Break it off and tell him you can NEVER be with him; let your husband see the letter you send this man. Tell your husband you want to work on your marriage and give it six more months, and HONESTLY do things to care for your husband.
Did you ever ask your husband WHY he started staying out? In most cases, it's because the new mommy started focusing 95% of her life on her child - which you yourself described. Where is the dad in all that? Time to be honest with yourself.
Oh, and call your parents up and tell them what has happened (the truth!) and ask them for advice. If you're unwilling to do that, well, then you're not really serious about anything but pleasing yourself.
I know how you feel. My husband wants a divorce only things is... he cheated on me. (while i was pregnant). I feel like the more i begged and fought for my family the less he thought of me after a while. I recently had our baby and I am on unpaid maternity leave. He left a week ago without any money or food. Its sad that I still love him. Im still in love and im still willing to make my family work. I wish things can go back to how they were. Im so miserable.
Thank you for all of your response, the more people that I have talked to the more I realize it isn't just my fault things went sour. They were that way before, and that is what lead me to do the "wrong thing" that I did, but I have realized now, that he will not accept his part in what happened, ..... but I have to keep looking back at all the reasons I did what I did, ...
You`re blameshifting and you`ve been talking to people who are trying to make you feel better.(probably after misinforming them)
Your husband has no part to play in your affair, you could have dealt with his selfishness in a dozen other ways but you chose to cheat.
I understand why your husband wants the divorce, you don`t understand that there`s no way he can get past your affair until you own it and you refuse to own it.
You are the reason your child will come from a broken home.
You are and no one else but you probably won`t own that either.