Married but in love with another
I'm sure this isn't the first time this thread has occurred. Looking for some fresh feedback.
For starters I realize I'm a fool for getting involved with someone else while married. I was seeking what was missing and ended up with butterflies for someone else. (I said in love in the title but know I'm in the honeymoon phase) it has turned into a physical affair. The story...
Background - together 14 years. Married 9 years this month. I'm 30 she is 31. 2.5 year old daughter. Just moved 800 miles from both of our families 9 months ago.
My wife is my high school sweetheart. She asked me out and I accepted because my friends pressured me to find a girl and because i wanted the attention (come from a divorced home)I clung to her because she showed me attention and cared for me. I have had spurts of on again and off again feelings of love and in love. Usually around major events in our marriage (proposal, anniversaries, wedding, child birth). Some times the feelings lasted longer than others.
I recently realized my feelings are gone. I am not attracted to her. She has never accepted me for who I am, instead pushed her opinion on me to be better suited for her. I've changed so much in my life for her (many for the better I suppose) and now I just want her to accept me for me! I feel like I cannot make any decisions without her approval. When I do she regularly voices her opinion or rolls her eyes if she disagrees. I have shared this with her and she thinks I'm asking her not to say a word about any decisions I make instead of just accepting it and accepting me and learn to respect me enough to let me make decisions. She tries hard to please me at home (she stays at home with our daughter) by cleaning, caring for lots of the household responsibilities, etc. but that's not what I need. Her response is always "I don't get what you're saying or what you need."
She loves me, so she says. She says she wants to be with me forever. She says she has no one else. She is a great person and a great friend. She is an excellent mother. She is regularly depressed, likely because I don't put much effort into the marriage due to how she makes me feel. Ive tried to jump start it but it fizzles quick. She is not a sexual person, but I am and she stated she will never change.
Enter the affair. I sought relationship websites looking for someone and she#2 found me. I was up front and honest about my marriage. Felt I wanted out and said I wanted to form a relationship to help ease through the divorce process. She accepts me for who I am, we have much more in common, and her sexual drive matches mine. I find her very attractive.
Here is where I could use some advise. I want to be with the person I'm having the affair with. I can see her being by my side as we age and be happy about it, whereas I cannot see that with my wife. But I'm afraid to leave my wife because she doesn't have a good support system and I care for her, I don't want my daughter to move 800 miles away, and I feel bad for my wife as I don't want to her to hurt.
I feel like I'm being selfish wanting to move on but I know I would be happier in life with someone more compatible to me and not just my first love that I rushed into. Then again, am I selfish to stay in an unhappy marriage just because I don't want to hurt my wife and because I don't want my daughter to live 800 miles away?. (I would let them move back to be with family as I know my wife would badly need that support to be an effective mother)
I'm lost and could use some sound advice!