Married but in love with another
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 08-11-2013, 12:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Married but in love with another

I'm sure this isn't the first time this thread has occurred. Looking for some fresh feedback.

For starters I realize I'm a fool for getting involved with someone else while married. I was seeking what was missing and ended up with butterflies for someone else. (I said in love in the title but know I'm in the honeymoon phase) it has turned into a physical affair. The story...

Background - together 14 years. Married 9 years this month. I'm 30 she is 31. 2.5 year old daughter. Just moved 800 miles from both of our families 9 months ago.

My wife is my high school sweetheart. She asked me out and I accepted because my friends pressured me to find a girl and because i wanted the attention (come from a divorced home)I clung to her because she showed me attention and cared for me. I have had spurts of on again and off again feelings of love and in love. Usually around major events in our marriage (proposal, anniversaries, wedding, child birth). Some times the feelings lasted longer than others.

I recently realized my feelings are gone. I am not attracted to her. She has never accepted me for who I am, instead pushed her opinion on me to be better suited for her. I've changed so much in my life for her (many for the better I suppose) and now I just want her to accept me for me! I feel like I cannot make any decisions without her approval. When I do she regularly voices her opinion or rolls her eyes if she disagrees. I have shared this with her and she thinks I'm asking her not to say a word about any decisions I make instead of just accepting it and accepting me and learn to respect me enough to let me make decisions. She tries hard to please me at home (she stays at home with our daughter) by cleaning, caring for lots of the household responsibilities, etc. but that's not what I need. Her response is always "I don't get what you're saying or what you need."

She loves me, so she says. She says she wants to be with me forever. She says she has no one else. She is a great person and a great friend. She is an excellent mother. She is regularly depressed, likely because I don't put much effort into the marriage due to how she makes me feel. Ive tried to jump start it but it fizzles quick. She is not a sexual person, but I am and she stated she will never change.

Enter the affair. I sought relationship websites looking for someone and she#2 found me. I was up front and honest about my marriage. Felt I wanted out and said I wanted to form a relationship to help ease through the divorce process. She accepts me for who I am, we have much more in common, and her sexual drive matches mine. I find her very attractive.

Here is where I could use some advise. I want to be with the person I'm having the affair with. I can see her being by my side as we age and be happy about it, whereas I cannot see that with my wife. But I'm afraid to leave my wife because she doesn't have a good support system and I care for her, I don't want my daughter to move 800 miles away, and I feel bad for my wife as I don't want to her to hurt.

I feel like I'm being selfish wanting to move on but I know I would be happier in life with someone more compatible to me and not just my first love that I rushed into. Then again, am I selfish to stay in an unhappy marriage just because I don't want to hurt my wife and because I don't want my daughter to live 800 miles away?. (I would let them move back to be with family as I know my wife would badly need that support to be an effective mother)

I'm lost and could use some sound advice!
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Old 08-11-2013, 12:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married but in love with another

1. You've not owned your courtship. You only went along with things because she was showering you with awesomeness? No. If you did, then that makes you a douche. I'm sure you are not a douche.

2 You aren't attracted to her because you're in the fog of "loooove" with this other woman.

3. The woman you love now is not a good person. She is dating you and you are married. Hm. Character.

4. You have a child. Think about the child. Moving on? How do you move on when you have a child...wish I knew...

5. You won't be happier. Promise. You'll realize what you lost, what you had, and what you know you could have fixed. The affair will fizzle because soon the other woman just becomes a woman. A woman with issues and all the things your wife does--- it's just easy to be awesome when there's no responsibility to anything.

I speak from experience.
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Old 08-11-2013, 01:05 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married but in love with another

Whoa. You said you wanted someone to help ease you through the divorce process? And she accepts you?

Of course she does. It's easy and no commitment.

Divorce is dirty, emotionally speaking. IMO, go through it. Feel all of it. Sit in it. WOrk through it...so it doesn't surface later on.
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Old 08-11-2013, 01:15 AM   #4 (permalink)
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1. You've not owned your courtship. You only went along with things because she was showering you with awesomeness? No. If you did, then that makes you a douche. I'm sure you are not a douche.

2 You aren't attracted to her because you're in the fog of "loooove" with this other woman.

3. The woman you love now is not a good person. She is dating you and you are married. Hm. Character.

4. You have a child. Think about the child. Moving on? How do you move on when you have a child...wish I knew...

5. You won't be happier. Promise. You'll realize what you lost, what you had, and what you know you could have fixed. The affair will fizzle because soon the other woman just becomes a woman. A woman with issues and all the things your wife does--- it's just easy to be awesome when there's no responsibility to anything.

I speak from experience.
1. It's hard to explain. I want to love her but have always struggled. Our marriage has been pretty bad for the most part. We just kinda get along.

2. I found her unattractive way before the affair.

3. You may be right. Great point. I told her I would likely be divorced soon. Maybe I led her on?

4. Tell me, is it better to stay in a loveless marriage that is prevalent to her, my daughter? I would talk to her daily, likely facetime as well, and request a transfer to a city closer to my daughter once my contract is up. Move on was in reference to my heart as it relates to my wife.

5. You may be right, I'm trying to sort through that. That's why I posted.
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Old 08-11-2013, 01:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married but in love with another

What did you do on a regular basis in your marriage to keep your attraction to her and the love alive?

HOw much time a week did you spend with our wife, just the two of you doing date-like things that you both enjoy?
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Old 08-11-2013, 01:28 AM   #6 (permalink)
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What did you do on a regular basis in your marriage to keep your attraction to her and the love alive?

HOw much time a week did you spend with our wife, just the two of you doing date-like things that you both enjoy?
Not sure what you're looking for with the first question. I don't think I was ever fully attracted to her. I liked that she liked me. That fizzled a while back because we both did our own thing when coming home from work. No date nights, etc.

As far as time per week doing date things, not much. I work a ton and we have a young daughter that she doesn't feel comfortable leaving with anyone else. Since I've told her I want to be accepted and want to spend time with her she did surprise me a week ago with a date night (the neighbor watched our daughter, but we can't always do that because we don't trust the neighbors husband... He was out of town last week) we play iPhone games back and forth regularly and talk about them. We watch TV together (different couches)

I see your point...
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Old 08-11-2013, 01:36 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married but in love with another

You get what you put into something.

And as far as your child is concerned, I don't know what is best. I don't know how she'll internalize anything. I come from divorced parents and my dad tried for a while to be a dad, but his new life was so busy.

Yea. I wasn't right until my 30s. But that is ME. Can't speak for all.

I just say to be slow at this. Really sit with yourself WITHOUT the affair partner. You'll never get to any solution with that woman in the way.
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Old 08-11-2013, 01:37 AM   #8 (permalink)
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And it just sounds like, to me, you are grasping at any reason to leave your wife. Forget that she's a good mom and wife ...you said so yourself. She tries.

But I would think it would be hard to like anyone that you didn't spend time with. A garden grows where tended.
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Old 08-11-2013, 01:41 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Not sure what you're looking for with the first question. I don't think I was ever fully attracted to her. I liked that she liked me. That fizzled a while back because we both did our own thing when coming home from work. No date nights, etc.

As far as time per week doing date things, not much. I work a ton and we have a young daughter that she doesn't feel comfortable leaving with anyone else. Since I've told her I want to be accepted and want to spend time with her she did surprise me a week ago with a date night (the neighbor watched our daughter, but we can't always do that because we don't trust the neighbors husband... He was out of town last week) we play iPhone games back and forth regularly and talk about them. We watch TV together (different couches)

I see your point...
Yep that's my point.. the two of you let whatever you did have together die a long time ago. Generally when a person's feelings for their spouse die they tend to not remember the good, even the passion, that existed between them at one time.

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". A marriage needs to be nurtured.
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Old 08-11-2013, 01:41 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I speak from experience.
Did you cheat or get cheated on?
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Old 08-11-2013, 01:42 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I cheated way back when. On my older daughter's father--- we weren't married. Once I was "Free" to be with my affair partner, it lost luster. I didn't want my ex though. He was insane.

I am going through a divorce now...because my husband said he wasn't happy. He wanted a fast life. Whatever that means. Well, he wasn't happy when he moved out either...after a few months, he now wants to move home.

Yea. It's a clustermess. I take it day by day.
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Old 08-11-2013, 01:46 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Yep that's my point.. the two of you let whatever you did have together die a long time ago. Generally when a person's feelings for their spouse die they tend to not remember the good, even the passion, that existed between them at one time.

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". A marriage needs to be nurtured.
She still remembers the positive. I remember the negative. I just don't know if I have the drive to do it. I had this feeling before the affair.

My concern is I won't have the drive to nourish the relationship with the girl I'm having the affair with in the long run either...
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Old 08-11-2013, 01:48 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Happiness comes from within. I can't say that enough. No one is responsible for your happiness but you.

Sit with yourself. seriously.
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Old 08-11-2013, 01:49 AM   #14 (permalink)
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She still remembers the positive. I remember the negative. I just don't know if I have the drive to do it. I had this feeling before the affair.

My concern is I won't have the drive to nourish the relationship with the girl I'm having the affair with in the long run either...
I say to sit with yourself because you just said you see yourself getting old with this other woman. Now you say she's not worth it probably either.

Sit with yourself. Make no decisions. Get right with you.
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Old 08-11-2013, 01:54 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I say to sit with yourself because you just said you see yourself getting old with this other woman. Now you say she's not worth it probably either.

Sit with yourself. Make no decisions. Get right with you.
It's not that she is not worth it. It's that I may not nourish that relationship like I failed in my marriage and be back to square 1.

What do you mean sit with yourself?
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