01-26-2010, 11:51 AM
Join Date: Jan 2010
| | confused (sex lies and video-games)
I met my wife J in our senior year of high school and we dated all the way through college before getting engaged our senior year and finally marrying when we were 25. A year and a half later (this past summer) she sat me down to have a talk about how I was becoming too cold and distant and how she thought since we don't have children yet it would probably be best to end the marriage.
Initially I was a bit unsettled, but not entirely angry - throughout our entire relationship jobs have been tough for her to find and when we moved to michigan for grad school, they got even worse; so i've been the primary supporter for the last 5 years, and was the only one making any money back when we both lived with our respective parents. I had been the only one with a steady job in michigan and the job i had required 70+ hours a week dealing with a monster of a boss and a non-stop work environment. I felt if i was cold and distant, it was to avoid the possibility of being volatile and abusive; and that it was me reclaiming some of my space after the daily grind of work.
But I had also been considering a career change to the Navy, and thought that there might be a grain of truth to what J was saying, so I agreed it was probably a good idea, that we should start scouting out what was necessesary to get her temporarily moved in with a family member back home in kentucky, and go from there.
(Now is a good time to mention that we used to both be serious world of warcraft players (online computer game) I had grown out of it over the past year, she still played as it was her primary social outlet, she's kind of a shut-in)
A week before her first trip back down I happen to glance at her packing list of stuff to take down and notice plans to take a side trip to Arkansas, where a male friend of hers in this online game lives. (Note that not 5 minutes after agreeing about the future including a divorce we both agreed not to do anything with other people outside of the marriage until the papers were final)
I didn't confront her about it as much as just casually discussed it with her (she was totally admitting that she was going down, but claimed that it was to meet a friend, not to do anything romantic. I trusted my friend of 10 years, on her way back from Arkansas she ran her car off the road and ruined the engine. At the time this was our only car, so I jumped on my motorcycle and headed down 6 hours to kentucky to take care of the situation, which she was freaking out about and couldn't decide how to manage. we came back up, she was at once amorous and ambivalent the whole time; she admitted to having slept with and fallen deeply in love with the guy; all while at the same time I had used my time with her away to come to my senses about how I shouldn't be so quick to abandon the marriage.
A week and a half later, she had to drive down to kentucky to pickup the car after it was repaired (via a rental) while she was down I was taking my military physical and getting ready to enlist prior to submitting an app to the officer program. When I called after finishing my physical; I couldn't get hold of her. After calling the relatives whose houses she might have been staying at, I realized that she'd told them she was leaving the day before to come back up here, while actually going to arkansas. 5 hours of freaking out and calling every number in the book (including his parents, who totally lied and covered for him) she called back, and a day later drove back home.
At this point I was 10x more angry about being lied to than about ever being slept around on (after all, there had been some semblance of a divorce occurring) I have her the cold, hard truth that if she was going to keep doing that sort of thing to me she could gladly go live other places with no hope of support from me. She changed her tune, and over the months tried to reconcile that it was just a stupid immature fling and that she wanted to be with me to support me and our future while I moved to this military career.
Now its about 2 weeks before I ship to officer school, and I'm having serious misgivings about her. I've had 2 weeks off of work so far and she's done nothing but play the stupid computer game and all but ignore me. So this time I gave her the talk, discussed that for both our sake I was willing to stay married until we get out of michigan and give her a chance to get on her feet and get a job, but that I wanted out. We both more or less agreed to this, and then the next morning she wanted to get frisky!
I'm utterly confused here and engaged in psychological combat between my sense of Loyalty and commitment, and my belief that this is not a healthy relationship.
So what do I do? I don't have time to divorce before OCS, might have time in between that and the next phase of training, and at the same time, really just want to start meeting new people and finding some shred of evidence that there's a decent woman out there who's the right match for me. (I repeat, i'm not saying I want to go out and get even. I just want dinner and coffee and a chance to find a kindred soul, the physical can and should wait)
sorry for the novel, but I don't feel this story makes any sense without a good chunk of its details.